Sex Stuff For Political Nerds
Self-helpy AF.
Welcome to an occasional advice column by me, Sara Benincasa, a person with many opinions. This column will not diagnose or “cure” anything at all! Hopefully, reading it will entertain and perhaps comfort you. Think of it as a big hug from your wacky auntie who rides a motorcycle. Send questions to saratoninnewsletter@gmail.com. If I use your question, I’ll keep you anonymous.
Several months ago, I lost my wife. Counting dating, we’d been together for 44 years. I’m finally getting back out in the world, starting with a new church. They seem liberal and friendly, which is good. I want to avoid right-wingers and make new friends.
Before I seek another long-term match, I do want to meet some sex-enthusiast "young ladies" around 45-60. I have ideas about how to be safe, I just want to find these partners. Any ideas? Thanks! - Progressive Silver Fox
Greetings to your thriving libido! I am so sorry for your loss, yet so glad that you’ve got a plan for making friends. Also, it seems you would like to throw your junk up in somebody new for maybe the first time since the Carter Administration. My brother in Christ, I am stoked for you.
Since we don’t have Wonkette Personals (although maybe once this existed? We had them when I was an intern at The Onion in the year 1885), here are three options.
The old-fashioned way: This would be putting yourself in actual real-life situations where you may meet friends or lovers. You’ve got this covered. Explore faith communities, running or hiking clubs, gyms, bars, volunteer experiences, etc.
The way of the app: At different times, I have tried Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, Raya, OK Cupid, and Coffee Meets Bagel. Each one has different benefits and drawbacks. There’s one I haven’t used, though, that might be good for you. Feeld is an app where people can list their preferences with great specificity. I have friends who use different labels (polyamorous, kinky, non-monogamous, open, demisexual, asexual, swinger, etc.) who seek partners there.
The way of the yenta: Ask a friend or family member to set you up. I’d save this one for when you’re looking for monogamy again, unless you wish to phone your dear cousin Mae to ask, “Ay yo, got any hot friends who wanna let me hit it from the back?”
Whatever method you choose, please be polite but clear that you are looking for a temporary, noncommittal situation for mutual orgasms and casual fun.
As a feelings-haver, I do not like to make fun of people for “catching feelings.” It is normal to develop an attachment to someone who is doing cums in and on you. But even when your sheets are dirty, you can keep your side of the street clean. Be ethical. Check in as you go along to make sure you are both still on the same page.
Now here is a Safer Sex Talk: I am guessing that unless you’ve had a vasectomy, you can still get a gal pregnant and/or contract a sexually transmitted infection [UPDATE: I want to make it clear that people with vasectomies can still get STIs! Anybody can get an STI! There is nothing morally wrong with STIs and they are very common, but they can be a literal pain in the ass!] Women in perimenopause can often still get pregnant! If you don’t know what that is, here’s some more info from the good Baltimore sluts at Johns Hopkins Medicine.
The horny commenters will share their pervert thoughts. Here is my final opinion: Besides being kind, the sexiest thing a man can do is go to a good therapist (if it is affordable, which it often is not!). The second sexiest thing a man can do is read some good books on relationships and healthy sexual intercourse. The third sexiest thing a man can do is become a paid subscriber to Wonkette!
For nearly three decades, sex just always worked for my husband and me, and now it suddenly doesn’t. I reached menopause a couple years ago and have absolutely no desire for sex. I love him and I’m attracted to him in so many ways but I can’t summon the interest in sex. My wonderful husband has been incredibly understanding, but I don’t know how long this will last. Also, the last time we did try to have sex he was unable to reach orgasm.
I am a progressive, bold punk artist kind of gal, but I have always been very shy in private about voicing my sexual urges or interests. I haven’t even tried to discuss it in-depth with him, because I don’t want to hurt his feelings more. You are the first person I am telling about this. — Sexy Lady Who Is Awesome
Sexy Lady Who Is Awesome, why do you think I gave you that nom de plume? It is because I believe you are sexy and awesome. You are doing something incredibly scary and brave: asking for help about an intimate issue! Sometimes it is easier to write to a wild stranger on a filthy leftist skank blog (hi) versus talking to somebody you know.
Let us once again consult our friends at Johns Hopkins Medicine, shall we? An inter-webs trip to Baltimore yields the article “How Sex Changes After Menopause”:
Your estrogen takes a nosedive during menopause (defined as when you haven’t had a menstrual cycle in 12 months) and the years leading up to it, called perimenopause. This change has a huge impact on your sexual function. It can lower desire and make it harder for you to become aroused. It can also make the vaginal canal less stretchy and you may experience dryness, which can cause intercourse to be painful. More than a third of women in perimenopause, or who are postmenopausal, report having sexual difficulties, from lack of interest in sex to trouble having an orgasm.
Here is my favorite sentence in that (very good!) article, by the way: “As you age, blood fills your genitals more slowly as you become aroused…” My Higher Power put me on the Earth to one day quote this sentence on Wonkette.
What I think is that you’ve likely got a great deal of life ahead of you, and you deserve to enjoy sex. I can’t tell you what will work for you, but I can suggest a few ideas.
First, I encourage you to consider a visit to a compassionate, experienced gynecologist who has a subspecialty in addressing sex issues for patients. You can ask about everything from hormone replacement therapy (HRT) to the benefits of regular exercise to the potential libido-dampening effects of any medications you may be on.
Next, I encourage you to think of your question to me as practice for what you may eventually bring up with a trained sex therapist. Look for American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) certification, if possible.
Finally, consider how a couples therapist may help you and your husband co-create a safer space in which you may speak openly with one another about your fears, hopes, and your love. This guide, a kind of Love Yoda but probably not green, will help you to understand what’s up and how to address it as a team.
You got this. And the commenters, whom I trust to address these issues with special care and thoughtfulness while still being filthy monsters, will likely encourage you as well.
Oh gosh, that getting-into-menopause-and-losing-interest-in-sex thing. Been there, done that. My husband is very understanding about the whole thing, if also perhaps a bit sad I'm not constantly jumping his bones as in days of olde. It's all part of being together for a long time. Desires ebb and flow. There are many ways to love.
I will admit both questions made me have emotions because I was so honored two Wonkette readers would write in asking such tender and vulnerable things. I also love a chance to get to be horny for Baltimore somehow? Anyway.