Skydance Merger Complete, Will Become Sentient And Kill Us All, Probably

‘A-bonta–bonta-bonta- That’s all folks!’

Gotta paint over that bad boy. Photo by Silas Lundquist on Unsplash

It’s all over: Paramount and Warner Bros. have been permitted to join forces in the worst fucking merger I have ever seen in my life, and I lived through the Clear Channel radio buyouts that destroyed traditional broadcast media!

That means that the $110 billion Skydance “media consolidation” continues to unfold like a horror film, with overly jolly reporting saying shit like this (emphasis mine):

Earlier in the week, tech was invoked nine times in Ellison and Kreiz’s press release about the new company’s leadership team, which includes veterans of Google, Facebook and Scale AI.

The executives signaled that they will employ artificial intelligence tools — which Ellison has called a “force multiplier” — throughout the business.

And they will move to improve the tech stack that powers streaming services like HBO Max, one of the many Warner assets that Ellison has sought to buy for the past year. (CNN is also a part of Skydance as of Tuesday.)

Great, because that’s exactly what Trump-loving tech billionaires needed, more propaganda power over already thoroughly cooked American brains.

The Trump-humping billionaire Ellison family now owns:

Paramount Pictures, Paramount+, HBO Max, Pluto TV, Warner Bros., CNN, CBS, CBS Sports, TNT, TNT Sports, Nickelodeon, Discovery, a whole multitude of intellectual properties along the lines of Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Star Trek, Top Gun, SpongeBob SquarePants, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and many more.

And of course, there’s also TikTok!

Not only are people going to get even dumber and crazier because of this, but it’s an absolute fucking nightmare for anybody who has ever worked in or loves Hollywood, or even simply respects the soft power that it has offered us for generations.

No longer! Big Tech (with a lot of help from a Saudi Arabia-led conglomerate, which now owns nearly half of Skydance, oh God) gets the propaganda power of our media now! From the Los Angeles Times, last month:

The Federal Communications Commission on Thursday granted Paramount Skydance’s request to allow Middle Eastern royal families to hold a substantial stake in a merged Paramount-Warner Bros. Discovery.

Foreign investors, including the sovereign wealth funds of Saudi Arabia, Qatar and Abu Dhabi, are slated to indirectly own nearly 50% of the equity in David Ellison’s proposed mega-studio. That will give them a hefty stake in CBS, CNN, Comedy Central, HBO and two historic Hollywood film studios. […]

As part of the Communications Act of 1934, Congress placed restrictions on foreign ownership of broadcast outlets because of concerns about national security. Current rules prevent foreign investors from owning more than 25% of a company that holds a U.S. broadcast license — unless the FCC determines that foreign ownership would serve a public interest.

Oh, we know whose interest that is!

But there’s a board, you say?

The board:

Former Activision CEO Bobby Kotick, who stepped down from running the Call of Duty publisher after Microsoft completed its $69 billion acquisition of Activision-Blizzard-King, is joining David Ellison’s board of directors at the newly christened Skydance following Paramount’s now-completed acquisition of Warner Bros. Discovery.

The Hollywood Reporter confirmed Kotick’s spot on the new board, which was disclosed in a new SEC filing, along with philanthropist Laurene Powell Jobs. Former UK Prime Minister Tony Blair also joins as a board advisor.

Yeah, THIS BOBBY KOTICK. This was what the WSJ had to say about that fucking schlub back in the olden days of 2021:

Activision has been thrown into turmoil in recent months by multiple regulatory investigations into alleged sexual assaults and mistreatment of female employees dating back years. Mr. Kotick has told directors and other executives he wasn’t aware of many of the allegations of misconduct, and he has played down others, according to people familiar with the matter and internal documents.

And don’t get me started on fucking Tony Blair!

In July, California AG Rob Bonta joined other attorneys general to challenge the merger, arguing the deal was not only illegal, but also likely to lessen competition and cause a decline in entertainment quality. And they were right!

“You tried” sad star meme, stolen from THE INTERNET.

LESS THAN THREE MONTHS LATER, here we are, with the Ellison family adding fucking Warner Brothers to their portfolios. Per CalMatters:

It’s the latest episode of California officials confronting big corporate interests over some issue, loudly promising to make business executives change their ways and then caving in. The corporation often makes some minor concessions that allow the officials to save face.

When David Ellison, the Paramount boss, threatened to move his company out of California if the merger was blocked, Bonta accused him of blackmail and renewed his pledge to crack down.

However, the threat changed the dynamics. As very similar articles in the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal described it, Bonta succumbed to political pressure — some from Gov. Gavin Newsom — to compromise.

Fuck you, Rob Bonta and other attorneys general, for pretending that this was something you cared about enough to actually fight for it, only to cave within three fucking months to some of the worst people on earth! Some of us have been fighting them for fucking years because we know they are shitbirds who should never be anywhere near any sort of power, soft or otherwise!

And a very hearty fuck you to David Zaslav, whose cynical statements about the creatives who made the film industry the force it was made me so fucking angry a few years back that I spent time and money I did not have to drive my ass hours to LA multiple times to march with the writers there, because it was the right thing to do!

I’m so fucking angry this was allowed to happen! Look at this shit! This is from Zaslav’s garbage goodbye video, during which he did not choke on a donut, somehow, despite my most fervent wishes.

Behind every one of those moments is the work, talent and commitment of everyone who does their part to bring it all to life. And that is what matters. Honoring the work that came before us, doing our part to carry it forward and knowing that the work continues.

For me, it’s been a great honor to be alongside all of you. I hope you take pride in what you’ve built, what you’ve created and the role you’ve played in shaping an extraordinary history.

What’s past is prologue. The future waits for each and every one of you. For your spirit, your ingenuity, your creativity and your courage.

Oh, fuck you.

And fuck you, too, California electeds and hopeful electeds. I would love to know why our current governor and probable future governor, along with LA Mayor Karen Bass, decided to come out in full-throated support of this mess!

Beyond media, here’s a partial list of shit the Ellison family owns or has investment stakes in, per Thomas Marketing Services:

Skydance, of course
Oracle
Tesla
Theranos (lol)
Sensei Ag
An entire fuckin’ Hawaiian island

You know what I own? A 2009 Toyota Yaris! God, to be a billionaire failson in 2026.

All this just shows me that elected officials and appointees, whose job is literally to protect us from big business getting out of control, didn’t think this through, and further that they aren’t thoughtful enough to grasp the true power and history of our entertainment industry, and they have stopped listening to those of us who do understand this.

During the Biden administration, we had Lina Khan pissing off every corporation that wanted to shit all over our antitrust laws. Now we’re handing our corporate mergers to Prince Bone Saw. At least Lina Khan’s working for New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani now, instead of rotting in a gulag somewhere, which we assume is next on their agenda.

Hooray for Hollywood.