Stephen Miller Charms America With Playful 'Boot Smashing A Human Face, Forever' Vision
In Trump's America, the children have got to be carefully taught.
Thursday’s White House press briefing brought in Stephen Miller as the Special Guest Briefer to help celebrate the unparalleled success of Donald Trump’s second first 100 days in office, and whoever thought that was a good idea should definitely keep the great ideas coming. Please, for the sake of democracy, put this man in front of the cameras at every opportunity.
Where Karoline Leavitt comes off as a confident liar who doesn’t care whether you know she’s lying, Miller is more like a North Korean news anchor shorn of the sincerity or credibility. All that’s left is the malice and lies, and a distinct sense that if anyone challenges the greatness, nay, the godlike perfection of Donald Trump, Miller just might bite them.
Stephen Miller’s greatest skill is hyperbole, and no one in the known universe is capable of delivering more exaggerated lies more efficiently than he can. He declared that we have just completed the “greatest a hundred days to begin any presidency in the history of this nation,” and seemed to imply that Donald Trump has now accomplished everything he set out to do, and can now just spend the next three years and a bit less than nine months of his term golfing. Or at least he could, if the infinite perfidy of Joe Biden didn’t keep causing problems that Trump has to fix.
If you really want to hate yourself, here’s the video of the full presser, but you could just as well skip it since half is just Miller stringing together variations on the words woke, communist, DEI, madness, and so on. The other half is Miller hate-fapping as he talks in lurid detail about the horrible crimes committed by bestial undocumented immigrants, the only kind there are.
Miller trotted out a whole lot of lies about “DEI” and “merit,” insisting that thanks to Donald Trump, only the most highly qualified people get jobs, especially if their qualifications include being friends or relatives of Cabinet members. He threw out plenty of scaremongering about trans people, warning that any elementary school teacher who “tries to turn a boy into a girl or a girl into a boy” will be prosecuted for child abuse, because Trump supporters believe that must happen all the time.
Then it was “critical race theory’s” time in the rantbarrel, and Miller was so excited about his plans for freeing little children from woke indoctrination that he didn’t even bother telling any lies about that topic. He simply went straight to a stirring vision of how the Trump administration will make sure children are carefully taught, instead. If you can stand it, we do encourage you to watch at least the first 20 seconds of this one, if only to remind yourself of why so many people were out marching against this shit yesterday.
“This administration is also fighting to get critical race theory out of our school districts.
“Children will be taught to love America. Children will be taught to be patriots. Children will be taught civic values, for schools that want federal taxpayer funding.”
This certainly sounded familiar to us, since it’s really a very familiar classic from the Western — or at least the South Pacific — canon.
You’ve got to be taught to hate and fear,
You’ve got to be taught from year to year,
It’s got to be drummed in your dear little ear—
You’ve got to be carefully taught! […]
You’ve got to be taught before it’s too late,
Before you are six or seven or eight,
To hate all the people your relatives hate—
You’ve got to be carefully taught!
Miller went on to explain that even though the administration is shutting down the Department of Education, any remaining federal education aid will come with some very tight strings indeed, vowing, “We're going to make sure these funds are not being used to promote communist ideology. For any nation to be successful, it cannot teach its children to hate themselves and to hate their country.”
We wonder if the funds can still be used to teach kids to avoid the straw man fallacy?
The Q&A was similarly insane, with Miller insisting that Donald Trump actually had “brought down prices across the board,” just like he promised, but nobody is giving him any credit for it. Miller even claimed that this week’s GDP report was a victory for Trump, because it “showed a 22 percent record increase in investment” in the USA.
Impressive! Trump brushed off the first-quarter GDP decline by blaming Biden, but Miller went his boss one better, spinning the report as great news by picking out one statistic and ignoring the shrinking GDP altogether. Do not accept any corn this man tries to serve you, is what we are saying.
Miller, clearly enjoying his own weird fantasies, insisted that all the jobs created during the Biden administration actually went to foreign workers, and virtually none to Americans, which, if true, would mean that virtually all 20 million Americans who lost jobs in the pandemic recession remained without work for the entire Biden administration. In fact, said Miller, his nose miraculously not actually growing longer and longer, the entire Biden administration was an economic “depression.” For American Americans! But don’t worry, as of January 20 they’re all at work again.
Miller also returned, again and again, to lurid tales of crimes committed by undocumented immigrants, especially when he was asked a question about whether the administration would obey the Supreme Court’s order to return Kilmar Abrego Garcia. The very question was outrageous to Miller, shame on journalists, who are the only people anywhere who care about the case, which we would find pretty insulting if we were on the Supreme Court.
“It is a sad reflection on the state of our media and many of the outlets represented in this room that you obsessively try to shill for this MS-13 terrorist,” Miller ranted, going on to gripe that the media never covered all sorts of horrifying crimes that were not committed by Abrego Garcia, who hasn’t been convicted of anything at all, as if his individual guilt or innocence mattered.
The point is, the media has never covered all those other horrible crimes committed by immigrants, and if you don’t believe it, just search the internet and you’ll see extensive coverage that the media didn’t write during yesterday’s news conference. Miller went into disgusting detail on one such horrific crime, a genuinely terrible murder and rape of a little girl in Texas in 2024, by two Venezuelan men Miller said Joe Biden had allowed into the US despite the fact that they were members of Tren de Aragua, the gang we are at war with. (The evidence they committed the crime is strong. A search warrant also alleged that the evidence of their gang affiliation was that they wore Air Jordan sneakers, used certain emojis in texts, and had tattoos.)
Ergo, Kilmar Abrego Garcia didn’t deserve due process in his case, and indeed anyone accused of being in a gang must be sent to a Salvadoran supermax forever if you love America. So should journalists probably. After all, as we will teach all the children, America is the best, most just, and most free nation on earth. And if you question that, you belong in jail too, forever, amen.
In conclusion, we sure do hope that Stephen Miller keeps doing press conferences, since he’s so darn likeable.
[Signorile Report / Houston Chronicle / Mediaite]
Yr Wonkette is funded entirely by reader donations. If you can, please become a paid subscriber, or if a one-time donation works better for you, this button is what you should click:
Dear legacy media, how come I'm not seeing any coverage of yesterday's protests?
He declared that we have just completed the “greatest a hundred days to begin any presidency in the history of this nation"
(obligatory FDR "bitch please" image here FFS)