Super-Rich Republicans Have Become Totally Selfless And Enlightened About The Whole Gay Marriage Deal

If you're as old as we are, and have had as much exposure to Reg'lar 'Murica as we have, you are probably still a bit dizzied at the pace at which the majority of Americans went from "Ew! Gheys!" to "Ah, ain't that a cute lesbian couple!" We close our eyes, breathe deeply and meditate on this nice trend of niceness whenever someone talks about gun violence, or obesity, or "creation science."

This epidemic of tolerance bleeding toward acceptance (eventually to wind up at Celebration ) is not isolated to the Lieberals and Mushy Middle any more, no, sir! Republicans with gay children no longer feel compelled to hide them away in their gay closets, but are emboldened to endorse their civil and human rights, just as if they were regular human beings.

This would all be well and good to the Gun and Fambly conservatives, who know that most rich Republicans are going to hell anyway because they belong to weird cults like the Presbyterian or Roman Catholic "churches." But now, rich Republicans are spending their electionmunniezspeech not to elect wingnuts who reliably back "free" markets as long as they get to spend most of their time opposing abortosodomy but to help gay marriage get legalized!!!11!!! 

Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council is so disturbed by this trend that he was unable to froth at the mouth about it. He instead merely noted that there aren't that MANY billionaires devoted to this cause yet. "They have money, but they're few in number," Perkins said, presumably with a straight face, before individually writing thank you letters to all 12 members of the One Million Moms.

Perkins and his brethren are rightfully PO'd that some rich guy can come in and outspend their grassroots campaigns to threaten soft-on-homo politicians with tough primary races. It's as if money has somehow gained more influence over American politics than the deeply held beliefs of We the People!

Cynics might think that hedge fund manager Brian Singer, who selflessly began American Unity PAC after his own gay son got gay-married in Massachusetts, has read the electoral writing on the wall. Cynics might think that Singer believes that independent voters can be convinced to vote for tax cuts and against welfare queens, as long as Republicans don't sound so much like a bunch of mean church ladies.

We are not cynics here; yr Major Major doesn't even own a dog, so we will give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he in no way is disengenuously trying to rebrand the political party that throws a constant tickertape parade for Wall Street where he makes his billions (the tickertape consisting of thousand dollar bills, and the confetti being cocaine). We think he is just super nice.

[ USAToday ]