Tarantulas? There’s A Tab For That! Tabs, Wed., Oct. 14, 2026

Morning news roundup!

Tabs gif by your friend Martini Glambassador!

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This is a tab I was legit going to give you and in comes Martini with the SPIDERZ. This happened in July AND YET: Tarantula-tossing candidate running for U.S. Senate sentenced to workhouse over 2024 incident.

According to the complaint: The woman told police Simonetti began banging pots and pans loudly upstairs and cut off the dwelling’s Wi-Fi. The woman later called police to say the door to the basement had been opened, and Simonetti began throwing things down the stairwell, including a live tarantula and the contents of a terrarium, along with nails, pins and tacks. Police say they found those items on the stairwell when they arrived.

The also complaint said Simonetti allegedly yelled “this is why you never f*&% with Marisa Simonetti.”

Oh, Minnesota. You okay? (MPR)

This is more important than the spiders, but I already had the spiders there for the tabs gif. Goddammit, goddammit, God bless the Pope. (Letters From Leo)

These are two pretty grave scandals — like partying in Dubai with fugitives who gave him hundreds of thousands of dollars — that were in the midst of dropping about Ken Paxton. It’s a good thing we all spent the weekend on “Is James Talarico In A Straitjacket RIGHT NOW?” instead! (Laura Bassett at Nightcap) Sure, I’ll gift link you the WaPo, I am nice like that! “Ken Paxton took campaign funds from donors with interests before his office.” Oh, word? Word. (Gift link Washington Post)

Montana Democrats an absolute mess. Headline completely undersells the shitshow. (The Hill)

Charlie Cook never met a race he didn’t want to lean Republican. G. Elliott Morris takes his “no blue wave, just a ‘red undertow’” apart. (G. Elliott Morris)

CORRECTION! Sometime last week I said some dumb Fuck Joe Biden 24-year-old sexxxbomb was the new press secretary, but she is apparently an assistant or a deputy. This is the new press secretary.

Also, it sure seems like the new press secretary, Katie Zacharia, is lying about being a lawyer yikes! (Popular Info)

Yeah no, I don’t think that counts?

(The Chinese bar is only for Chinese citizens, and she does not speak Chinese.)

You know who would have been legit PISSED about Michigan prison officials taking a prisoner’s Quran and replacing it with a Bible? Gretchen Carlson, not even kidding. Remember when she SPIT FIRE when the stupid one and the rapey one said Obama shouldn’t have given Osama Bin Laden proper Muslim burial rites? Anyway, I just thought of that, this sucks. (MLive)

You guys, I just had a brand new idea nobody’s ever thought of before: What if we taxed wealth??? (NBER) Gavin Newsom is backing the California initiative that would invalidate the initiative for a billionaire wealth tax. Gavin Newsom can eat a fuck! (Gift link Wall Street Journal)

Professor Senator Warren’s got a new Trumpflation tracker! (Senate Banking Democrats) Crap letter from a dude (Scott Bessent) to Elizabeth Warren. (Yahoo Finance)

Now learn about the SPIDER BITE DANCE!

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