Ted Cruz Drops Out Of Campaign To Spend More Time Being Hated By Own Family

We won't have Ted Cruz's lip booger to kick around anymore

Following his loss in the Indiana primary, Ted Cruz announced he is suspending his campaign. Donald Trump is now pretty much the nominee, unless the GOP establishment can figure out a way to travel through a time warp and convince the young Donald to pursue a career selling DeLorean motorcars.

"We left it all on the field in Indiana. We gave it everything we've got but the voters chose another path," Cruz said. "So with a heavy heart but with boundless optimism for the long-term future of our nation, we are suspending our campaign."

Cruz also said a lot of stuff about the need to keep fighting against the evil Democrats and their socialist agenda. CNN, apparently preparing ahead like the New York Times obituary writers, had a postmortem of Cruz's campaign ready to go in minutes. Nerd God Wil Wheaton offered a more trenchant analysis:

Also, GOP chair Reince Priebus choked back an unknown quantity of bile and tweetedthis sweaty-foreheaded message of ( *gasp* ) party unity:

The idiots on MSNBC are already talking about Cruz's coming 2020 campaign. Enjoy the End Times, kids!

[ CNN ]