Ted Cruz Had One Good Night, Will Never Shut Up Now

Who's got two thumbs and is a raging a-hole?

Ted Cruz finally managed to score a big win in Utah on Tuesday night. Yee haw for him, however you say that in Canadian-Cubanese. Dang near every Mormon and all their sister-wives turned out to cast their vote against Donald Trump, just like Mitt Romney told them to, and it worked! Cruz swept the state, with nearly 70 percent of the votes, seizing all 40 delegates in his chubby little fist.

It probably means precisely jack squat diddly zip nothin' for Cruz's future chances in other states because you know the old saying: as Utah goes, so goes Utah. But that doesn't mean Cruz isn't already imagining, inside the pus-filled abscess that is his brain, in which corner of the Oval Office he will prominently display his Buddy Christ.

Cruz's glorious singular victory -- he did not win Arizona, where Trump defeated him and won 58 delegates, which is more than 40, FYI -- garnered him the oh-so-coveted endorsement of sad pathetic loserboy loser Jeb! Bush, which by our calculation is more a punishment than a prize. As with everyone who has very reluctantly endorsed Cruz, it has absolutely nothing to do with him and everything to do with hating Donald Trump even more than the universally loathed shit muffin Cruz. Behold Jeb's low-energy "Fine, Cruz, I guess" statement:  

I wanted you all to be the first to know that today I am endorsing Ted Cruz for President.

Ted is a consistent, principled conservative who has demonstrated the ability to appeal to voters and win primary contests, including yesterday’s Utah caucus.

Isn't that so wow? Cruz is able to get some people -- though not many -- to vote for him. Sure, Trump is a lot better at it than Cruz is, but maybe when you're Jeb Bush and you can hardly get your own family to support you, winning Utah seems impressive.

Go on, Jebbers, say some more flattering things about your new boy Ted:

For the sake of our party and country, we must overcome the divisiveness and vulgarity Donald Trump has brought into the political arena or we will certainly lose our chance to defeat the Democratic nominee, most likely Hillary Clinton, this fall.

[contextly_sidebar id="75DFyVNT04TSd45GMzgAZO9G9oxpT3Sc"]Guess Jeb was all done saying nice things about Ted, though at least he, unlike Cruz's other recent endorser Lindsey Graham, has never chuckled about how you could stone-cold kill the sombitch on the Senate floor and no one would give any fucks whatsoever. But maybe that's only because Jeb isn't as good at joke-making, or life itself, as good ol' Graham.

[contextly_sidebar id="dFmwGpP1j1iCqonqpozfuGToYoKib9LC"]Also? We fail to see how Cruz is less divisive than Trump. On Tuesday, in one of the ten thousand and seven statements Cruz issued after the terrorist attacks in Belgium, he said the key to preventing American Muslims from becoming radicalized is empowering law enforcement to "patrol and secure" their neighborhoods, which is not only de facto in-fucking-correct, dumbass, and also divisive as hell, but is especially Trumpian of him.

However, given that both Cruz and Bush previously called for banning all Syrian refugees from the United States, unless they're the Christian kind because those are guys are cool, it's safe to say Jeb doesn't know "divisive" from his own elbow.

In other opposite-of-super Tuesday election night news, Bernie Sanders scored decisive wins in the Idaho and Utah caucuses, Hillary Clinton whomped him in Arizona and still maintains a sizable delegate lead. Now some whiny-ass titty-babies are petitioning the White House because they are quite certain that independents who last-minute switched their voter registration to Democrats and thus had to cast provisional ballots were victims of "voter fraud and voter suppression," which means (a) they don't even understand what the hell voter fraud is, and (b) they don't have a clue how elections is formed.

We're sure President Obama will get right on that.

[ NYT / Jeb Bush Facebook ]