Texas And Border Patrol Now In Armed Standoff With Each Other, Jefferson Davis Unavailable For Comment Because He's Dead

Yee-haw!

Whew, things are heating up down in Texas, forcing the United States government on Thursday night to file a motion with the Supreme Court notifying it that the Texas National Guard has “deployed armed soldiers and vehicles to block federal gov from accessing the river” in Eagle Pass, a town along the Rio Grande. Seems bad!

Can sumter be done about it?

This particular face-off is taking place in Shelby Park, a public park in Eagle Pass that fronts the Rio Grande. The federal government had sued Texas for slapping up concertina wire and other barriers in the area, but a court allowed Texas to keep going so long as the Border Patrol still had access to the river and roads on both sides of the new fencing so it could do its job of spotting migrants, rescuing them in case they were bleeding out all over Texas’ beloved razor-wire buoys, and then taking them into custody.

To which Texas apparently said fuck ‘em:

That fencing further restricts Border Patrol’s ability to reach the river in particular areas.  The relevant stretch includes the area of Shelby Park, which contains the boat ramp from which Border Patrol routinely launches the patrol boats it uses on this stretch of the Rio Grande[…]. It also includes the staging area that Border Patrol has used to evaluate and begin inspecting migrants that it has apprehended along this stretch of the border. 

Thursday night’s filing includes an affidavit from the area’s Chief Patrol Agent describing just how much harder this action by the National Guard has made the Border Patrol’s job. Which of course is the point:

A TNG Major walked up to the agents and Texas DPS personnel and informed them that TNG would no longer allow anyone, to include Texas DPS, to drop off or turn over subjects at that location. The TNG Major further informed the Border Patrol agents that TNG would not allow any transport units to pick up the subjects under the port of entry, and that the agents would have to walk the migrants to Loop 480 to transport them outside of Shelby Park for further processing. Loop 480 is a two-way industrial highway, where there is not a lot of space to safely intake migrants.

Of course all of this is fine with Greg Abbott, the elderly Draco Malfoy cosplayer currently d/b/a the governor of Texas, because Abbott has yet to meet a migrant he felt like treating as a human being and not a silhouette on a shooting range.

Abbott was being interviewed by legendary mouth Dana Loesch about what all he done to keep Texas and America safe from the scourge of desperate migrants hoovering up all of America’s strategic baby formula reserves. And what all he’s done is everything short of flat-out gunning unarmed people down, for which the governor expressed grave regret:

“We are using every tool that can be used, from building a border wall to building these border barriers, to passing this law that I signed that led to another lawsuit by the Biden administration, where I signed a law making it illegal for somebody to enter Texas from another country. And they're subject to arrest and subject to deportation.

“So, we are deploying every tool and strategy that we possibly can. The only thing that we're not doing is we're not shooting people who come across the border, because of course, the Biden administration would charge us with murder.”

Yes, the Biden administration would charge you with murder BECAUSE YOU WOULD BE COMMITTING MURDER, YOU SHIT-ENCRUSTED FOREST OF DRIED-OUT ASS HAIR.

We’re sure the idea of shooting migrants for crossing the border gave Loesch’s audience of knuckle-dragging, human-shaped septic tanks enough spank-bank material to last until at least her next show.

Maybe Abbott remembers when Trump suggested shooting migrants in the legs to slow them down and thought he’d one-up the former president to prove a point, like some sort of hugely racist Riggs and Murtaugh duo. Though we’d remind Abbott that doing so is also illegal.

Not many governors would go on record as saying how disappointed they are that they cannot legally murder people. But not many governors are bloodthirsty twatwaffles who probably think “Walker, Texas Ranger” was a documentary.

[DOJ / NBC News]