That Cambridge Analytica Video Sure Did Land Like A Hot Turd!

Monday afternoon, Channel 4 in the United Kingdom of Tea and Crumpets released an investigative journalism report about creep-ass Trump campaign "data" firm Cambridge Analytica, which probably helped steal the 2016 election for Donald Trump and Russia, by stealing hundreds of millions of people's Facebook secrets, and probably by doing other stuff too. The hidden camera report showed CA execs talking about doing traditional "data" operations like bribing opposition candidates and ratfucking them by catching the whole thing on tape, and sending pretty Ukrainian hooker ladies to ratfuck candidates maybe by literally fucking them. Oh boy, that video was a hot turd that stunked up both Washington DC and London Town! Know what is so fun? Channel 4 is releasing ANOTHER segment of its exclusive report a little later this afternoon after it airs in the UK, specifically about CA's participation in American elections. So exciting, right???

Let's look at the fallout the video has caused SO FAR!

Some folks in Washington ran away from the hot steaming turd, because they know ALL ABOUT the hot steaming turd.

Senator Ted Cruz was a Cambridge Analytica guy before Donald Trump was, and as the  Dallas Morning News  notes, reports about CA stealing people's data and using it for evil came out while CA was working for Cruz . But it's OK, because CA told Cruz all the bad press was fake news, and he believed them, because he's a jackhole like that:

"They assured us the claims made in the press were false," Cruz spokeswoman Catherine Frazier said Tuesday.

She said the campaign's contract with the firm included explicit assurances "that all data used by them were obtained legally ...

Yeah OK whatever. Let's take our counterpoint from Manny Garcia, deputy executive director of the Texas Democratic Party:

"Ted Cruz will stop at nothing to weasel his way into power, even if it means weaponizing stolen information to manipulate people to like him. [...] Cruz's campaign exploited personal information to create psychological profiles on millions of Americans. All to keep lining the pockets of Cruz's billionaire super PAC donors — like Robert Mercer, who funded this propaganda machine."

Hahahahahahaha, that sounds more like the Ted Cruz we know and loathe! He has to WEAPONIZE STOLEN INFORMATION TO MANIPULATE PEOPLE TO LIKE HIM. And why? Because everybody hates Ted Cruz and his stupid face. 

Hit up the  Dallas Morning News  for more about the Cruz campaign's history with Cambridge Analytica, if you wanna!

GOP Senator Thom Tillis of North Carolina, along with the NC Republican party, also   paid Cambridge Analytica for its services in 2014, to help beat or maybe steal an election from Democrat Kay Hagan, by portraying her as an ISIS-loving gal. Tillis wouldn't answer questions about CA on Monday, but he did strangely back away from   his own bill to protect special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation. Probably just a coincidence.

These other US American lawmakers are PISSED, though.

All kinds of senators are asking bipartisan questions like "Where the fuck is Mark Zuckerberg" and "Where the fuck is Sheryl Sandberg also?" and making fresh raw demands for those Facebook bigwigs, and all the other tech bigwigs, to park their asses in Congress and answer some damn questions. GOP Senator John Kennedy and Democratic Senator Amy Klobuchar sent Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Chuck Grassley a letter that said, "BRING US THE HOT CARCASSES OF SOME FACEBOOK EXECUTIVES," but so far Grassley is like "Eating a delicious cob of corn, get back to you when I just can't corn no more!"

Other senators demanding Mark Zuckerberg's ass on a platter include Mark Warner, Ron Wyden, John Thune, Roger Wicker and Jerry Moran. Oh, and Dianne Feinstein seems pissed:

Over in the House, Rep. Adam Schiff, ranking member of the House Intelligence Commmittee, also expressed a desire to haul some tech bro asses in front of his committee to find out more about how Cambridge Analytica stole people's private information and how the Trump campaign used it, and we bet he has questions about that Russian "researcher" Dr. Kogan AKA Dr. Spectre AKA Dr. Kogan Again, who has ties to the Kremlin, who harvested the data of tens of millions of Americans for Cambridge Analytica from the Facebook app he created. We're sure HPSCI Chair Devin Nunes will get around to calling that hearing soon as he pulls out of this one dairy cow, allegedly.

MEANWHILE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE POND!

People are pissed over there too! Parliament wants to pop Mark Zuckerberg on the face with the croquet mallets all MPs carry at all times, but the Brits went further than that last night as regards Cambridge Analytica, which is based in the UK. Elizabeth Denham, the information commissioner of Britain, tried to get a warrant to raid Cambridge Analytica's offices and steal its servers, but that didn't fly, because Denham's office (the ICO) couldn't find a judge to sign it. Meanwhile, Facebook's own investigators showed up at CA's offices to raid it, but the ICO told them to fuck off and they did, which is good, because Guardian reporter Carole Cadwalladr, who has done a lot of the best reporting on Cambridge Analytica, tweeted that the Facebook people were there to "secure evidence," presumably so the authorities couldn't "secure it" first. This seems to be the first time Facebook has ever tried to "secure evidence" in this way! "Nice try, Facebook," Cadawalladr said on Twitter.

Keep your internet tuned to Cadwalladr's Twitter feed for all the latest breaking news about Cambridge Analytica, how Facebook is currently acting like A BIG ASS about this, and also this weird thing about what else CA's Kremlin-connected Russian "researcher" was "researching":

"The Dark Triad"? Sounds totally normal and not at all menacing!

Did we mention Channel 4 is releasing another CA report in just a little bit? That is happening! Watch this space!

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[ Dallas Morning News ]