The Christians Having A Satanic Panic Over Taylor Swift Will Be So Mad When She Is Mayor Of Tampa*

*For a day.

In a video posted to Twitter on Monday, Democratic Tampa mayor Jane Castor asked Taylor Swift to accept the key to the city, as well as the "responsibility" of being the honorary "Mayor For A Day."

“#TAMPA are you ready for it? We’ve got a reputation to uphold‼️ Tag @taylorswift13 if you agree “Mayor Swift” has a nice ring to it. 😉 #TSTheErasTour”

— City of Tampa (Taylor's Version) (@City of Tampa (Taylor's Version)) 1681141604 

Swift's Eras tour will be in Tampa later this week, and Mayor Castor said she wanted to do something special to welcome the pop star to town — at the behest of her fans, whom no one wants to cross on social media.

“We know Glendale changed its name, Arlington made a street sign and Vegas illuminated their Gateway Arches,” Castor said in the video. “But here in Tampa, we’ve got a reputation to uphold. We want to go bigger. So I want to present you with a key to the city and invite you to be our honorary mayor for a day. Mayor Swift has a nice ring to it!”

While this may simply seem like a cute thing to do in order to promote one's city, it could very well upset Christians and Republicans in the state, both because Swift has spoken out in support of abortion rights and LGBTQ rights ... and because they think she is an evil witch/Satanist.

You see, over the last few weeks, Christians on TikTok and other social media sites have been losing their everloving shit over Taylor Swift, who is also a Christian, supposedly doing actual, for real witchcraft and Satanic rituals on stage on her most recent tour — specifically during the song "willow." The performance for "willow" is basically just a stage recreation of the video, which does in fact involve a lot of cloaked figures dancing around a willow tree made of golden orbs (I think?).

Given that there has long been a subset of people who legitimately think Swift is somehow the clone of Anton LaVey's daughter Zeena (who is still quite alive, so why they would need a clone of her I couldn't tell you), as well as people who think every pop star is a Satanic Illuminati Project Monarch Manchurian Candidate, it seems pretty likely that this was done for the purpose of fucking with these kinds of people.

By these rules I am the clone of at least 17 other brunette ladies, including your cousin and a girl you went to high school with. 

Some who subscribe to this theory also believe that Zeena LaVey Schreck is also ... Victor Hugo?

We can assume this means that Taylor Swift not only wrote such hits as "Look What You Made Me Do" and "Blank Space," but also Les Miserables ?

I guess she can probably do anything, if indeed she is a real witch with real magic powers. Time travel is likely nothing to her. 

 @kuolkmm 

Taylor swift performs witchcraft in her recent show #evil #illuminati #conspiracy #conspirancytheory #conspiracytiktok #kuolkm #kuoldanny #illuminati #death #asaprocky #devil vil

One of the people promoting this conspiracy is the unbelievably smug Tailah Scroggins, whose whole deal is that she used to be into "new age" stuff before she discovered how super great and awesome Jesus is (one assumes this occurred when she was 14, for about a month after she watched The Craft for the first time).

 @tailahofficial 

Praying for her salvation❤️🙏🏽 #fyp #foryou #foryoupage #taylorswift #Jesus #godisgood #christian #demonic #church #bible #christiantiktok #christianity #christiantok #spiritual #prayer #christiangirl #christianboy #christiantiktokcomunity #pop #popculture #news #moms #momsoftiktok #tailah #tailahofficial

I'd say she's like the Mike Warnke of TikTok, but she makes him seem positively charming.

"It’s pretty comical to me that people say 'stop shoving Christianity down our throats when the world, society, huge artists, movies, everything is shoving witchcraft and rituals, crystals, astrology, all that? They’re shoving it down our throats and God forbid someone says 'Jesus loves you,'" Scroggins whined on her TikTok.

The difference, of course, is that Taylor Swift is not hugely invested in Tailah Scroggins or anyone else donning a cape and dancing around a willow tree made of golden orbs. (Curious:  Tailah actually means Taylor in my old accent. There are no coincidences.)

“Nothing to see here just a giant satanic snake at the Taylor Swift concert. Satan and his follower do not hide anymore is all out in the open.”

— GERALD MIRABAL (@GERALD MIRABAL) 1680403070 

But I digress! This is kind of a genius move, as it may very well serve as more ridiculous culture war bait for Ron DeSantis, who is somehow compelled to take up every inane grudge held by the wackiest conservatives and Christian nationalists on social media. He could very well be so desperate for the approval of these people that he may even go so far as to put Swift on trial for witchcraft, earning the wrath of Swifties everywhere and destroying his chances to ever become president of the United States in the process.

Either that or Taylor could use her Satanic powers (Satanic time travel powers?) in combination with her honorary mayor powers and become governor of Florida herself. It could happen!

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