The Golden Toilets These Designers Swear Will Make You 'King' On The 'Throne'! Tabs, Wed., May 15, 2024

Morning news roundup!

Tabs gif by your friend Martini Glambassador!

GUYS! DAMES! You know what you should not forget? To let me buy you a drink in Toronto, Ontario (?), Canada, this Sunday! We will be at the Library Bar in the Fairmont Royal York Sunday, May 19, from 3-5 or 6 I forget what I already said, and we will buy you drinks and snacks! HOORAY!

On deck: Milwaukee July 14 before the RNC, and Chicago August 18 before the DNC! I am bringing Evan and Dok and Robyn and Shy, for a party the likes of which Wonkette has never known except for the time I accidentally ate acid before Bill Clinton’s Charlotte DNC speech in 2012, by accident! Then in 2016 we had a new baby and were super dumb and boring and then there was “pandemic” if you can even believe such a stupid thing in 2020. GET YOUR STAND AROUND AWKARDLY SHOES ON, SUCKERS, WE’RE BACK!

Goodness, you scamps get into such trouble on my days off. Like this ridiculous New York Times poll that is wank wank emoticon! (Jay Kuo)

Josh Marshall addresses the ridiculous New York Times poll, just noting that Republicans are never expected to own their lousy shit poll numbers, and that’s not even taking into account that this one is REALLY DUMB, but apparently the “share link” never works even though Josh Marshall claims it works! Good luck reading his column! (Talking Points Memo)

Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s brainworm thinks you should vote for him, the brainworm. (Alexandra Petri, obviously, at gift-linked Washington Post)

Also Robert F. Kennedy thinks we should “compromise” on abortion, to a week everyone can agree on. Roe v. Wade was the compromise. (NBC News)

Apparently Brett Kavanaugh really did pay his debts off the old-fashioned way: by having rich white parents. That’s nice for him! (Everything Is Horrible)

The “sad life” of a “Trump toady”? The fuck you say! It is all whiskers on kittens and golden toilets filled with the finest shit for Michael Cohen to plumb! (Chris Lehmann at The Nation)

George Conway, meanwhile, thought this particular Trump trial was a dumb unimportant sideshow, but he has disabused himself of the wrongness of his dumb notion. President Mobster’s Mobster Shit Matters. (The Atlantic)

“‘This guy is a convicted felon who admitted in his testimony that he secretly recorded his former employer, that he only did it once allegedly and that this was supposed to help Donald Trump,’ [Sen. JD] Vance told reporters outside the courthouse. ‘Does any reasonable, sensible person believe anything that Michael Cohen says?’” I can’t recall, what was Michael Cohen convicted of, Senator? Oh shit, really??? YOU MEAN HE WAS CONVICTED OF DOING THE STUFF THEY’RE TRYING TRUMP FOR NOW? I would probably have left that part out. (Politico)

Wonkpal Sarah Taber, running for North Carolina Ag Commissioner, knows how to stop the cow flu, yay! But uh oh, it is vaccines :( (Sarah For NC)

AARP, of which Shy and I are its newest members, eesh don’t tell anybody, is plumping for HB 5461, which would allow a payroll deduction to help Michiganders save for retirement. That sounds helpful! (AARP) Also I was already reading this about 401k’s because we literally have no retirement savings, and I believe I mentioned we are 51 and 52 years old AIYEEEE. It is all like “401k: A durr?” and it is written for dumb babies and my accountant sent it to me like GIRRRL, how about you stop being a DUMB BABY. (Forbes)

I too also woke up from my five-year coma and went home to my kids and mom for Mother’s Day. Stupid People magazine making me cry.

This shit about eels — anguillas — is insane. First of all, ALL European and American eels are born in the Bermuda Triangle. Secondly, THEY CAN CLIMB WALLS. Fuck that noise man. NOPE. (Atlas Obscura)

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