The Top Ten Posts Of 2016 Will Keep You From Crying Your Pants Off On New Year's Eve!

This seems appropriate.

WHOA, has it been a whole year since the last time it was a new year? We guess it has, because we have a calendar! Depending on what time it is where you live, you are either already drunk or about to get drunk or have already passed out. Just kidding, we know you're all drunk. But before you go put on the 2017 onesie your lover crocheted for you and make out with strangers at midnight, you should read this, your top ten countdown of all the hottest posts of the year, that you (YOU!) clicked on!

But first, how can we close out the ghastly trash-fire that was 2016 without shaking you down for money? That's right, it's time for love offerings, so PASS THE PLATE, MORANS. 

And why should you do that? Because oh hi we love you and it takes MANY MONEYS to make "Wonkette" happen time and time again, each and every day and twice on Sundays, and we want to be here fightin' with you as we enter the Age Of Trump, which is terrifying, but it's a thing that's happening. Give us dollars, plz?

OPTION ONE:  CLICK HERE and go to the donations page and give us $5, $10, $25, eleventy gazillion, or however many dollar moneys you feel the Lord is leading you to part with. Since it is now tradition, here is the Wonkette Shake-Down Lion Toddler, bein' cute and shakin' you down for the contents of your wallet:

YOU CANNOT EVEN RIGHT NOW.

OPTION B: Go tothis here page, what's called "Ad-Fewer Subscriptions." There, you can subscribe to Wonkette just like your grandma subscribes to AOL. Pick the subscription level you want, and WHOA HEY, where'd all those ads go???? Why is Wonkette running so smoothly and not hurting your face and making you cry a lot? Because you're a big subscriber now, you big shot! Yes, there will be a few ads, but they're for actual verified Wonkette pals and they AREN'T ALLOWED TO DO VIDEO and they stay right there in the sidebar where they belong, so deal with it.

OK! ARE WE READY TO DO A COUNTDOWN IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION, WHILE WE POUR CHAMPAGNE DOWN YOUR THROAT? YES WE ARE!

(Brought to you as usual by Beyoncé.)

TEN!

 Let's Talk About Juanita Broaddrick:  A story about one of the women who accused Bill Clinton of rape. It was very controversial and made some people mad! We actually updated the post, toclarify some of the things that made people GRRR, and also some apologies for things that weren't communicated good in the first post, so read that one! But we play the top ten as it lays, so that's Number 10.

NINE!

What they said.

 Dear FBI: ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING? A story about how, right after the FBI sent love notes to Congress about "PSSST HILLARY EMAILS, LET'S THROW AN ELECTION!", the FBI also started conveniently dropping shit from its vault about old Clinton investigations, you know, just 'cause, why not.

EIGHT!

 Nice Grandpa Bernie Sanders Gonna BURN YOUR SH*T DOWWWWWN:  A story about how ooh girl, the Democratic Primary got nasty there for a while there, didn't it? Oh well, no reason to start that fight again DO NOT START THAT FIGHT AGAIN, OR THERE WILL BE ASS-WHOOPINS.

SEVEN!

 GO FUCK YOURSELF AMERICA:  A story we published at nothing-o-clock in the morning, once it was official that America, which needed to go fuck itself, should go fuck itself for electing Donald Trump.

SIX!

 Here Are 12 Of The Stupidest Things Ever To Come Out Of Donald Trump’s Mouth Hole:  A story that should be self-explanatory, you ding-dong. It was on 2015's top ten list too, because it was written in that year! By me, who is writing at you now!

FIVE!

 Michelle Obama Just Unleashed Hell On Donald Trump, And It Was BAD. ASS. A story about that INCREDIBLE speech Michelle O. gave for Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire, that wasn't even like a political speech, but more of a wholesale flaying of Donald Trump, which he deserved.

FOUR!

 Donald Trump SO MAD Colorado Fire Marshal Refused To Let Him Die In A Fire:  A story about Donald Trump getting stucked in an elevator, and then (of course) shitting on the firefighters who rescued him. Tremendous!

THREE!

 World’s Sexiest North American Leaders Break Entire Internet, With Sexiness:  A story about when Justin Trudeau came to Washington, and the whole internet climaxed at the same time.

TWO!

Via Flickr

 Off The Menu:  Hey, you guys remember when we had Colin, and he brought "Behind Closed Ovens" over from Jezebel, and we turned it into "Off The Menu" because Gawker was a dick and wouldn't let Colin use the name of his own series after they laid him off? Anyway, every one of those posts, about terrible restaurant customers, great restaurant customers, and so on, got a ton of views, and people would just sit there for hours on the page with the "Off The Menu" tag waiting for the new one, or they'd sit on Colin's author page, so COLLECTIVELY, Off The Menu gets our Number 2 spot!

OHHHHHH WE ARE SO CLOSE!

Bring us home, Beyoncé!

Thanks, Beyoncé! YOU READY?

ONE!

 Goodbye Ruby Tuesday, You Are Getting Crap Sued Out Of You:  A story about how Ruby Tuesday got the crap sued out of it in a class action lawsuit, just because it stole a bunch of wages from its employees. UNFAIR!

Whew boy, that was great! Lots of stories, for you to catch up on and fall in love with all over again and share with your entire knitting circle and Facebook!

We would say more in this post, but it's New Year's Eve, so screw off.

Love,

Yr Wonket pals