The Wonkette Geopoliticker: What We Missed In Cartegena While We Made Our Groupon Twitter Jokes

 
 From the US perspective, the Summit of the Americas was super awkward this past week, and that's not even counting that Secret Service thing (goodness gracious!).

No, it was also awkward because everyone disagreed with us, about everything, ALL WEEKEND LONG. It was like they don't even think we own the place! 

Latin America is enjoying some kind of golden age or something. Each country has its own socialist leader, just about, and their economies have thrived the past several years while everyone else's sucked a giant fat one. As such, they expect to be heard when speaking on the following:

Decriminalizing Drugs

Even the conservative presidentes (Mexico's Calderon, Colombia's Santos) are getting pretty loud about legalizing weed (happy 4/20, everybody!) and maybe even coke, too. It's one thing to sit here in America and do all the drugs, as we Americans are wont to do, but the other countries involved get warzones instead. Like South-Central LA during the worst of the crack epidemic, but with machetes. Could we maybe try things differently than we are, they ask? No, not in an election year. Try again in 2013 (reason number 7,997,962 to re-elect Obama, except that he kind of sucks on this).

Engaging With Cuba

They're serious; if Raul Castro is not invited to the next summit (2015, Panama), there will be no next summit (2015, Panama). A massive boycott of the event is planned if we don't stop being such massive cocks. Is there a more fossilized policy than the 52-year-old embargo we stick to? Again, election year. Try back after November.

Returning the Falklands

Argentina, with the complete backing of every nation in the western hemisphere, demands their Falklands back from Britain. To whom should they logically belong? This is so obvious to anyone with a map, but we're officially neutral on this one. Go figure. The very next thing Argentina did after we proclaimed our indifference was nationalize its largest oil company, one fuck you for another. Oh, and their economy is growing twice as fast as ours. Ouch.

So that's what we all missed while we made our Groupon Twitter jokes. It's cool though, so what who cares!