They Gave Us Head (Third in a Series)

Are you watching one of the news channels right now? Who are these people? Wonkette provides a field guide to the campaign surrogates. In this issue: Teresa Heinz-Kerry, Matt Dowd, Joe Lockhart, Ken Mehlman.

Head: Teresa Heines-Kerry, rich widow

Plays for: Kerry-Edwards

Is on TV Because: She says the craziest shit

Specialty: Loopy, stream-of-consciousness monologues that offend everyone.

Distinguishing Characteristic: African-American. . . but notthat kind of African American.

In One Month Is Likely to Be . . .Counting her money.

Head: Matthew Dowd, chief worrier

Plays for: Bush-Cheney

Is on TV Because: Used to be a Democrat!

Specialty: Folksy yet frightening. Creative poll spin, i.e., "No president with over 40 pairs of brown shoes and with approval ratings between forty nine and fifty has lost after being ahead in the third consecutive weekend."

Distinguishing Characteristic: So doesn't really care any more. Wears baseball cap on live TV. Has other shit to deal with.

In One Month Is Likely to Be . . .Thankful.

Head: Joe Lockhart, pasty-faced large person

Plays for: Kerry-Edwards, some title that's kind of meaningless, everyone knows what he does

Is on TV Because: He wants to be. As much as possible.

Specialty: Smiling benignly and appearing reasonable while saying the most insane shit.

Distinguishing Characteristic: Can't button top button of shirt.

In One Month Is Likely to Be . . .Fetching coffee for Feldman.

Head: Ken Mehlman,

Plays for: Bush-Cheney, big wig

Is on TV Because: Jennifer Millerwise unavailable.

Specialty: Looking like he's twelve years old.

Distinguishing Characteristic: Is so on message won't concede election until 2006.

In One Month Is Likely to Be . . .Selling Mopeds in Greece.