They Killed Kennedy! Those Bastards!

Because America is terrible, we have to (have to? get to!) commemorate the last time we managed to successfully kill a president. USA! USA! Believe it or not, we've managed to limp along for 50 years without a random nutjob (or a gaggle/plethora/cell/swarm/herd/nest/whatever of nutjobs) knocking off the resident of our nation's highest elected office. Dallas, having the misfortune to be both, well, Dallas, and the location of the last shooting, was thinking it would be kinda sorta nice to commemorate the prez that got himself shot in their fair city:  

Officials in the city where President John F. Kennedy was gunned down Nov. 22, 1963, want to observe the 50th anniversary of that day with a celebration of his life.

The city plans a ceremony that would include readings from Kennedy speeches by historian David McCullough and military jets flying over Dealey Plaza, where the 35th president was shot.

OK, that sounds...well, not nice , really, but fine, we guess. But, America being 'merica, we're gonna have to fuck up this little commemoration thing somehow:

But some who believe the assassination was a conspiracy involving high-ranking U.S. officials say their views shouldn't be excluded from the commemoration.

"It's absurd to move the discussion of his death to another moment," said John Judge, executive director of the Coalition on Political Assassinations, a Washington, D.C., nonprofit that studies 1960s murders of public figures. "Our First Amendment rights are being violated."

Uhhhh...what is this we don't even.

First, let's mosey over and look at the website for the world-renowned " Coalition on Political Assassinations ." Yep. Looks pretty much exactly as we figured. Popular photos of the assassinated looking pensive? Check. Scheduling for insane conference of insanity? Check. Bragging about your appearance in the very WSJ article that mocked you? Check and check and hell yeah check.

Next, as we always tire of explaining: there is no goddamn First Amendment right to say what you want, wherever you want, when you want. Dallas gets to have Kennedy jamboree in Dealey Plaza. Dallas does not have to include you in Kennedy jamboree. Dallas cannot stop you from coming to Kennedy jamboree and educating the sheeple about the real truth behind the Kennedy assassination or the moon landing or UFOs or 9/11, but Dallas still does not have to let you be an official part of Kennedy jamboree:  

Mr. Judge, 65 years old, said conspiracy-theory proponents have gathered at Dealey Plaza every Nov. 22 since 1964. Next year, he added, will be the first that Dallas hasn't granted a permit for the meeting, which usually involves a moment of silence and a few speeches. He said the city should move its ceremony elsewhere, adding that his group's members would find a way to disseminate their theories during the city event, possibly even dropping protest banners from nearby buildings.

Yes. Dallas should move the official celebration to, say, a nearby Holiday Inn Express, because for sure Dealey Plaza belongs to you, Coalition on Political Assassination. Stop pestering us all with your uppity scholastic conferences and articles. The Editrix has informed us that all the truth we need is right here , and that everyone knows that Woody Harrelson's dad and other assorted and sundry tramps murdered JFK. We've reviewed that evidence quite carefully, and it involves such compelling reasoning as Charles Harrelson cannot grow sideburns and the CIA and their disinformation servants are lying against the laws of the solar system.

Fuck it. We're sold. Give us Dealey Plaza you truth-blocking bastards.

[ Wall Street Journal ]