Those Cakes We Like… Have Been STOLLEN By The DEEP STATE

Oh no, it's Christmas 2016 all over again!

So many Wonkers have been approaching me asking about my Festive baking recipe. Big, strong Wonkers who haven’t cried since they were born. They come up to me with tears in their eyes and say “Cakes, the DEEP STATE has STOLLEN our Holiday Spirit and only you can save us.”

I have wonderful news for you. Today I plan to help you recover your Holiday Spirit. Only I can do this. Me. Not Sleepy Joe Biden. Seriously, the FAILING NYT says Sleepy Joe Biden is OLD, he can’t save you. Not Ron De Sanctimonious. Just Me.

Ok… even I can’t keep that up for long.

I have recently been experimenting with stollen recipes. Stollen is a fascinating bread which has been around for centuries, did you know it was served at the Council of Trent in 1545? The stollen of the 16^th century was vastly different from the fruit filled Festive loaves of today, back then the Advent season was a time of fasting for Catholics, so bakers were forbidden from using butter and had to resort to using an oil made from turnips instead. This resulted in hard, tasteless loaves - the kind you hope are served up on certain GOP Presidential candidates’ plates this Festive period. It was only after the Reformation that butter was able to be brought into common usage and the recipe for the soft, fruit filled,  spiced bread that is modern stollen was able to be developed.

There’s lots of symbolism involved in stollen, the bread seems to be tied quite closely to the Nativity story, with the humps on the loaves supposedly representing the camels of the Wise Men, and the dried fruits and candied peel representing the precious jewels and other gifts carried in the packs of those camels. In Germany it has been traditionally baked at Christmas to honour princes and church dignitaries, and to sell at fairs and holiday festivals, since the 14th century. My favourite story though, is how in 1730,  Augustus II the Strong, Elector of Saxony, King of Poland, and Grand Duke of Lithuania, ordered the Bakers’ Guild of Dresden to make a giant stollen weighing in at 1.7 tonnes. This giant stollen was to be shared between the 24,000 guests at the annual Zeithainer Lustlager. This festival still occurs today, and giant stollen are still made, although now they usually weigh 3-4 tonnes. Incidentally, the record for the world’s largest stollen is held by the German grocery store, LIDL. In 2010 they managed to bake a huge stollen, measuring in at 237 ft (72.1 metres) in length.

I’ve attempted this recipe using both strong bread flour, and All-Purpose (plain) flour. I prefer the All-Purpose flour version, it seems more true to the original stollen – a heavier, more rustic loaf. You can also opt to just soak the fruit in hot water, but I recommend using the alcohol as it just tastes so much richer. Some recipes suggest using less mixed fruit, but I think 150 g is perfect for this amount of dough – you don’t want to be stingy at this time of the year, not unless you’re Ebenezer Scrooge.

This recipe makes 12 servings of stollen and your carbohydrate count is 34.9 g per serving, or 418.8 g for the whole loaf. Pease don’t eat the whole loaf in one sitting.

Equipment

Small pan

Small bowl

Large bowl or stand mixer

Baking sheet

Baking paper

Clean dish towel

Wooden spoon

Ingredients

250 g All-Purpose / plain flour (or strong bread flour if you prefer a lighter, fluffier texture).

150 ml apple juice

7 g yeast

130 g dried mixed fruit (raisins, sultanas, etc)

20 g candied citrus peel

50g whole almonds (blanched)

50 ml spiced rum (or brandy)

Small pinch of ground cloves

Generous pinch of All Spice

Generous pinch of ground cinnamon

100g marzipan (chilled)

10 g butter (melted)

25 g confectioners sugar

Method

Gently heat the apple juice in your small saucepan, when it still warm enough to be able to comfortably dip your finger into it turn off the heat and add the yeast to the pan. Leave for 10-15 minutes until the yeast creates a thick, bubbly foam.

Add the flour to your large bowl or stand mixer and pour in your yeast mixture. Mix together until it forms a smooth dough. Cover with your clean dish towel and set aside somewhere warm to rise for -2 hours, set yourself a timer.

Place your dried fruit and citrus peel into your small bowl and add your rum or brandy along with 100 ml of hot water. Set aside.

Now you’ll need to blanch your almonds if you haven’t bought them already blanched. Almonds in their skins are a bit over-dressed for what we have planned. Give your pan a quick clean and then fill to about ¼ full with water. Bring the water to a rolling boil and add the almonds. Boil the almonds for 60 seconds then remove from the heat, drain, and immediately rinse under cold water. You will now be able to easily remove the skins. Your almonds are now perfectly dressed for this little party.

Prepare your baking sheet by covering it with a sheet of baking paper.

Set aside your almonds and find something to distract yourself with until your dough has finished rising. I recommend cats. Cats are always an excellent distraction.

When your timer goes off, quickly drain your fruit and squeeze out as much liquid as you can. Add your fruit mix, almonds, and spices to your dough and knead until the fruit and nuts are well combined with the dough. Roll out your marzipan into a long tube, now wrap your stollen dough around the marzipan. At this point you can lay it flat out and bake a standard, loaf shaped stollen, or you could wrap it around to from a wreath shape. Place your stollen on your prepared baking sheet, cover with the clean tea towel, and leave to rest for around 1 hour, or until it grows in size by roughly ¼.

Preheat your oven to 320 F (160 C). If you’ve opted to make a stollen wreath, use a sharp knife to partially cut through the wreath in order to separate the dough into 12 portions. Place your stollen into the oven and set a timer for 20 minutes.

One your 20 minutes is up, turn your oven down to 260 F (130 C) and continue to bake for another 25 minutes.

Remove your stollen from the oven and brush with melted butter. Sprinkle generously with confectioners sugar, and leave to cool completely before eating.

Enjoy your stollen with a delicious glass of mulled wine, mulled cider, or a festive drink of your choice – consult your trusty Wonkette bartender, Hooper, for further drink related advice. The Deep State wishes you a Happy Holiday full of friendship, fun, good cheer, and excellent food.