Ticking Time Bomb Jim Webb Would Like To Be President Of Vietnam Flashbacks
Time isn't holding up. Time isn't after us
"Democrat" Jim Webb came off kind of creepy in the Democratic debate Tuesday, and it wasn't just when he talked about that time he killed a guy, though that didn't help. Like, not quite "You know he fucked underaged prostitutes in Thailand on leave" creepy, but you can totally see him sitting in the basement smoking and watching old movies all night like your friend's scary dad, ready to snap all the time. We know, we know: That's a cruel stereotype of Vietnam vets. And the fact that Jim Webb fits it perfectly makes it no less cruel. Even so, look at this guy explaining what political enemy he's proudest of, and following it with a creepy grin:
I’d have to say the enemy soldier that threw the grenade that wounded me, but he’s not around right now to talk to ...
And yes, as Gawker points out, Webb was a legit War Hero, awarded the Navy Cross for some seriously badass war-hero stuff that included surviving two grenade attacks while destroying three bunkers; as they approached the last of them, the enemy soldiers threw a grenade, according to Webb's medal citation:
Observing the grenade land dangerously close to his companion, First Lieutenant Webb simultaneously fired his weapon at the enemy, pushed the Marine away from the grenade, and shielded him from the explosion with his own body. Although sustaining painful fragmentation wounds from the explosion, he managed to throw a grenade into the aperture and completely destroy the remaining bunker.
So, brave man, no doubt. And also a guy obsessed with making sure that he got enough time to speak during the debate; we counted at least three times he complained to moderator Anderson Cooper that the clock was his enemy and he wanted to frag it. Here's a one-minute montage of all Webb's problems with time, from Bloomberg Politics:
Maybe it's that time in combat that left him aware of the minutes ticking away, ticking, ticking, like the Rolex watch that he wore in the 'Nam.
It was nice of him to not attack Bernie Sanders for applying for Conscientious Objector status during the war, and nice of Sanders to say "Jim Webb is the kindest, bravest, warmest human being I have ever known," and to praise Webb for his support of the post-9/11 GI Bill. But for the most part, Webb kept reminding us that he's the most Republican of the Democratic candidates, as in his strange pivot to complaining about China during a question about Libya.
And frankly, his closing statement struck us as just plain weird:
And then he stared into the camera and muttered, "Saigon ... shit, I'm still only in Saigon ..."
You never know -- this may have been enough to show Webb's exactly the rightish guy for the VP slot, to prove the Dems have a Tough Guy on the ticket. Or maybe you just don't want to bother him when he's watching movies in the basement, man.
Note: This post was written after Dok Zoom drank a quart of Jim Beam, ate a handful of mushrooms, and punched a mirror while doing Tae Kwon Do in his underpants.