Today In History: A Guy Pretended To Be A Russian Tsar And Got Away With It For A Year

Love a False Dmitry.

The enigmatic Mr. Poe, courtesy of our pal Cheryl

Today is a very special day. It is Pinot Grigio Day. I kid! Every day is Pinot Grigio Day if you’re doing it right. It is also the anniversary of the death of False Dmitry I, with whom I am just a little bit obsessed. So instead of your usual Saturday morning fare, I am going to just go ahead and tell you that story. It’s worth noting, however, that accounts of this vary and even the ones that seem a little more accurate than others in most areas are still pretty batshit in others. If you ever have a chance, I highly recommend reading Dutch merchant Isaac Massa’s account of the whole affair (as he lived in Russia during the Time of the Troubles), because it is bananas.

The best cure for impostor syndrome, I have found, is to read books about actual impostors (or watch documentaries — like that one about Frédéric Bourdin, which is fabulous and fucked) and realize that you could never, ever, ever pull that shit off even if you really, really wanted to. Or at least I sure as hell couldn’t. No one would ever believe I was Anastasia Romanov.

So! Once upon a time in 16th century Russia there was a fella by the name of Ivan the Terrible. Maybe you have heard of him? Ivan the Terrible had four sons, Dmitry, Ivan, Feodor, and Dmitry. Is that a typo? It is not! Dmitry was the name of Ivan’s first son who died as an infant, and I guess Ivan just really liked that name and decided to use it again on his youngest son. His second son, Ivan, was supposed to succeed him, but he died when he was 27, because Daddy Ivan allegedly flipped out and bashed his son in the head with his scepter.

Then there was his son Fyodor, who became Tsar in 1584 after Daddy Ivan’s demise. Fyodor was, shall we say, not all there. Conveniently, however, he married the very smart and capable Irina Godunov, the sister of his dad’s pal Boris Godunov, and the two of them ran things for him behind the scenes. Less conveniently, Irina could not get knocked up, which was a big problem because the main job of a 16th century woman who married a Tsar or a King was to give birth to at least two boys — an heir and a spare, as they say. Also, it was kind of up-in-the-air if Dmitry could actually succeed Fyodor because he was Ivan’s child with Maria Nagaya. Maria was either Ivan’s 5th, 6th, or 7th wife, but it doesn’t really matter because the Russian Orthodox Church only counted his first four marriages as real.

Still, Dmitry was considered the Tsarevich (heir apparent) and stayed that way because Fyodor and Maria only managed to have one child — a daughter who died as a toddler. Shortly after Ivan the Terrible’s death, Dmitry and Maria were sent to live in Uglich, where they were very popular and beloved by all. Alas, in 1591, at the age of 8, Dmitry either has an epileptic seizure and falls neck-first onto his own knife or commits suicide by stabbing himself in the throat.

If that sounds a little sus to you, you are not alone. Pretty much everyone then and now believes that Boris Godunov had him killed, including his mom, who was swiftly sent off to a convent after his death.

So, when Fyodor kicks it in 1598, Irina takes over for about a week, releases all the prisoners from the prisons (which does not go over well), and heads off to a nunnery, handing the reins over to Boris, who then becomes Tsar (like he always planned?!?!).

Boris’s reign kicks off what is known as the Time of Troubles, due to all the royal chaos and the fact that a famine will come and wipe out a third of the Russian population. Bad times all around!

But then, in 1600, a figure emerges from the shadows of Poland-Lithuania, claiming to be none other than the previously assassinated Tsarevich Dmitry of Uglich.

False Dmitry I

This new Dmitry claims that his mother knew Boris Godunov was going to send assassins after her son and thus faked his death by letting them kill another random boy instead, and he starts collecting support from all the Polish royals, as well as from some Russian boyars (nobles, basically) who are sick of Tsar Boris’s shit.

Boris has the situation investigated and determines that False Dmitry is actually a fugitive monk named Grigory Otrepyev. No one actually knows if this is true or not, and there are not many better theories.

“Dmitry” marries Marina Mniszech, a Polish noblewoman and a devout Catholic, as part of a deal with her father (to whom he also promises land). Around this time, he may or may not convert to Catholicism to secure more support.

“Dmitry” eventually puts together an army and, in March of 1605, he actually invades Russia. On the way, they get joined by the Cossacks, who also hate Tsar Boris. Actually, just about everyone at this point hates Tsar Boris. They win some battles, they lose a lot more, and the whole thing probably wouldn’t have been a success, save for the fact that Boris keels over and dies in April — meaning that for all his planning and scheming, dude only got seven truly miserable years of Tsardom.

Boris’s son Fyodor II does get crowned Tsar at this time, but his tenure only lasts two months before False Dmitry I (as he is popularly known) gets to Moscow with his army of Poles and Cossacks and demands the 16-year-old step down. He refuses, but then a bunch of boyars come and arrest him. A few days later, he and his mother are killed.

On the 18th of July, Mommy Maria comes back from the convent where she is now known as Marfa, and confirms that her son survived and that this is he. Prince Vasily Shuysky — a lead Boyar who had previously traveled to Uglich to confirm Dmitry’s death and whose army had previously soundly defeated False Dmitry I’s army in battle — changes his mind and decides he believes Dmitry’s claim as well. Thanks in part to this proof — and the fact that, whether or not anyone actually believes him, they’re glad to be done with the Godunovs — False Dmitry I is crowned Tsar on July 21, 1605.

During his reign, he does some popular shit for the people of Russia, most importantly restoring Yuri’s Day, the one day a year where serfs could transfer to a different landowner, should they so choose — a tradition canceled by Tsar Boris (another reason he wasn’t so popular). However, he’s brought a bunch of Polish people with him and has a Catholic wife and they don’t like that too much.

Alas, his reign ends up being even shorter than Godunov’s. At some point, Prince Vasily sours on him and starts plotting against him, telling everyone who will listen that he is going to force Russians to become Catholic and also that he is secretly bisexual and going around raping everybody. Vasily and his supporters also claim that Dmitry is planning to kill all of the top families in Moscow and replace them with Polish people, that he is either a runaway monk named Grigory Otrepyev or Actual Satan, that he practices the occult — all kinds of crazy shit.

This is, it seems, quite effective and on May 17, 1606, a whole bunch of noble and regular Russians alike decide it’s time to kill False Dmitry I and his supporters and also maybe all of the Polish people in Moscow. Accounts of this vary! Some say he was killed and then dragged through the street by the genitals along with his male lover, others say he was chopped up and burned and his ashes put into a cannon and shot in the direction of Poland. Vasily Shuysky becomes Tsar and everyone rejoices! Sort of. No one really cared that he was Tsar as they were all just pretty tired at that point.

That, as you may have guessed, is not the end of the story! About a year later, another guy pops up like “Hello! I am Dmitry! I totally survived that whole cannon thing!” and gathers a bunch of supporters — including Marina Mniszech, who is like “Oh, absolutely, that is definitely my husband right there! I’d know him anywhere!” False Dmitry II then assembles a whole ass army and starts heading towards Moscow, but gets wasted one night and is killed by a Tatar princeling he’d had flogged.

That is also not the end of the story! Another guy popped up out of nowhere and announced that he had survived that murder as well, and he started trying to move on Moscow with the help of some Cossacks who were happy to recognize him as Tsar. But as soon as he got there, he was murdered as well.

And that’s pretty much the end of that! Though obviously not the end of Russian impostors, what with the Romanovs and all.

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