Town Hall Debate: Sort of Half-Assed Live Blogging

9: 00Charlie Gibson's gonna hold them to their time limits "forcefully but politely." Funny, that's what we like about Mr. Wonkette.

9: 03Kerry pats Bush on the back! Checking for that wire. . .

9: 05Weapon of mass deception! Hey, that's a. . . joke!

9: 07"I can see why your colleagues think he changes his position a lot... Because he does!" Bush was like wetting his pants to say that. And so he said it again!

9: 09Is it just me, or does Bush get more drawly when he's talking to, uhm, "a group of folks"?

9: 14Global test! Global test! Global test! Bush is so psyched. He's going to start jumping up and down and clapping his hands if someone asks about "frivolous lawsuits."

9: 18Bush: "I talk to Tony Blair all the time! He has an easy name!" (Also: He's not sighing, but he is about to throttle John Kerry.)

9: 21Love it when Bush talks about not joining the International Criminal Court. Do average Americans know what that is or do they think he's talking about the Superfriends?

9: 23Kerry meets with foreign leaders. Good thing Bush is in semi-hysterics or that would be an opening for him.

9: 27Bush is grinding his teeth into stumps. Oh, fuck: "That answer almost made me want to scowl." . . . Uhm. Yeah. I think I could hear crickets. I mean, that jokebombed. Bombed like a bad war.

9: 29Oh, yes. The rumors on the "internets." The interweb. Whatever. You have to excuse him. . . he mainly just uses it for porn.

9: 31Hmmmm. . . back door draft . . .

9: 33Good thing that no one really knows who Charlie Gibson is, or Bush steamrolling over him like a grumpy elderly driver would probably get noticed.

9: 37Shorter Bush: "Stop fucking with me! Stop it! Stop fucking with me!"

9: 39The voice in his ear just told him to speak more quietly.

9: 40BREAKING: Canadians want to kill you with their pretend drugs.

9: 41Even worse: There is a third world (Jupiter?) that wants to kill you withitspretend drugs. However, Bush's plan does let you get a dimebag for just over a buck, if you're old. . .

9: 42A reader explains: "third world" means "people who do not look like me." So we revise our warning:Brown peoplewant to kill you with their pretend drugs.

9: 47Again with the OB-GYNS. Let them practice their love, already. Also: Kerry is the first presidential candidate in history to go out of his way to remind people he's a lawyer.

9: 49Bush just called Kerry "Kennedy." He wishes. (Both of them.) Also: Kerry won an award! Yay Kerry!

9: 50Also: Yelling about OBGYNS, a reader points out, is not showing them much love at all.

9: 53Hey, wait: Bush comes from a "school of thought"? Where to begin. . .

9: 54I THINK I AM LOSING MY HEARING BECAUSE BUSH IS SCREAMING SO LOUD.

9: 55Mr. Kerry: Please do not look straight the camera again. You frighten me. (Not as much as BUSH'S SCREAMING, though.)

9: 57Kerry acknowledges wealth of the the men on the stage. Charlie Gibson chuckles, thinks to self, "Yes... yes, I am rich."

9: 59"BATTLING GREEN EYESHADES!!!!!" Acid flashback? Childhood nightmare?

10: 01"DISEL ENGINES!!!!!!!" Uhm. And then, uhm. . . "SORE SPOT!!!!!" Yes, yes, the environmentisa sore spot for you, Mr. President, clearly. . .

10: 05Ah, yes, the great halls of Europe. I think I saw Battling Green Eyeshades there once.

10: 10Did the President of the United States really just ask Charlie Gibson if he "needed wood"? Where's Bob Dole when you really need him. . .

10: 15Ack. A thoughtful, morally-charged question! But Kerry respects the "feeling behind it." After all, he's not pro-stem cell research using cells from "abortions or something like that." Whatever: Kerry is friends with Superman!

10: 18Shorter Bush: He was against embryonic stem cell research before he was for it.

10: 21Ha! Bush said he'd choose judges based on whether or not they'd vote for him! Ha! Ha! Funny because it'strue.

10: 22Dred Scott case? Wha? Isn't this teevee? Oh well. At least we know for sure that Bush doesn't support slavery. Whew.

10: 28Q: Name three times you've made a mistake. A: I WAS RIGHT TO GO TO WAR. AND THAT'S A TRICK QUESTION. FUCK YOU.

10: 30Dad Wonkette writes in with his summation: "Kerry waxed Bush's ass." And you wonder how I turned out this way.