Trump Demands To Be Tried By Jury Of His White Peers, In West Virginia
His lawyer says it's more 'diverse' there.
Last night, before he went to sleep and probably had some big scary meat sweat nightmares, Grandpa Crimefarts posted this on TruthSocial:
The latest Fake “case” brought by Crooked Joe Biden & Deranged Jack Smith will hopefully be moved to an impartial Venue, such as the politically unbiased nearby State of West Virginia! IMPOSSIBLE to get a fair trial in Washington, D.C., which is over 95% anti-Trump, & for which I have called for a Federal TAKEOVER in order to bring out Capital back to Greatness. It is now a high crime embarrassment to our Nation and, indeed, the World. This indictment is all about Election Interference!!!
LMAO. Gonna skip all the rest of that wackass malarkey and just laugh at the part about the “politically unbiased nearby State [sic] of West Virginia.” Which Donald Trump won by 39 points, his highest margin anywhere. Because when you’re a white supremacist, “unbiased” means “where the white people are.” Because Donald Trump knows the Constitution says he has a God-given right to be tried by a jury of his peers, i.e. 12 hootin’, hollerin’ moonshiners.
Yeah.
So we’ve moved on to the phase of the indictment where Washington DC is Black and therefore cannot offer a fair trial to a white man. One of Trump’s lawyers, John Lauro, literally said yesterday that West Virginia is “much more diverse” than DC. We guess he’s referring to how many flavors of meth you can find taped under the toilet seat in an average Pentecostal church bathroom. (He also says “speedy trial” is BAD! He thinks Trump should have “years” to get his defense ready. Sure, man. Will this dude even still be Trump’s lawyer two months from now?)
White Republicans are also levying pretty rock-solid allegations that the judge, Tanya Chutkan, is Black (she was born in Jamaica) and was appointed by a Black president. Additionally, she may have walked past Hunter Biden in a hallway at some point in her life, but there’s actually not any direct evidence of that, but they’re just saying she might have. These are being treated as full-blown scandals.
Ron DeSantis, who is “running” for “president” “against Donald Trump,” opined yesterday that people should just be able to move cases out of DC in general. "A D.C. jury would indict a ham sandwich and convict a ham sandwich if it was a Republican ham sandwich. I think Americans need to be able to remove cases out of D.C. I think the juries are stacked." It’s such a surprise to hear a guy who’s spent the week demanding Black Republicans look on the bright side of slavery would have such an opinion.
People known for being professionally full of shit like Greta Van Susteren are crowing about an article that says the judge, Tanya Chutkan, previously worked at the (very large) law firm of Boies Schiller Flexner, where Hunter Biden spent one year as “of counsel.” This works on rubes whose mental image of “law firm” is a mom-and-pop operation that also serves as an ice cream parlor, taxidermy specialist and after-hours titty bar.
We are sure there are way more people saying idiotass things like this, but we don’t care. None of it amounts to an argument that Donald Trump isn’t culpable for the traitorous crimes he committed right in front of our fucking faces.
And let’s be clear: Donald Trump is being tried in DC because he mounted a conspiracy to overthrow the Republic in DC. He is being tried in south Florida because he hid the American national security secrets he stole from the government in his ugly trash palace in south Florida.
That’s how this works.
All this about the judge and DC is just whinyass racist bullshit from whinyass racists, and all people making these arguments are invited to go play in traffic at their earliest convenience. Fuck you.
But don’t play in traffic in front of the Elijah Barrett Prettyman Federal Courthouse in DC this afternoon, because it’s barricaded off for a VERY special event: the arrest, arraignment, and fingerprinting of Donald J. Trump. (ABC News says still no mugshot, goddammit. God’s holy blue state of Georgia will save us on that front.)
Here is this afternoon’s schedule:
4:00: Arrival
4:05: Fingerprinting
4:10: Last chance to poop
4:15: Arraignment
4:20: Execution
Please be advised that everybody needs to get the fuck out by 4:30 because they rented out the courthouse for a kids’ birthday party tonight, and the clown needs somewhere to get ready.
OK, we are just fooling. There will be a 15-minute trial before the execution, obviously. This is still America, after all!
OK, we are just fooling again! There will be no execution, but we are going to make that joke every time Trump catches a charge.
It starts at 4:00 p.m. The New York Times reports he’s flying down from Bedminster, and will appear before magistrate judge Moxila A. Upadhyaya. One of the people reportedly traveling with him will be Boris Epshteyn, whom the New York Times has identified as the most likely candidate for “Co-Conspirator #6” in Trump’s indictment. (Perhaps!)
He will get booked, which at this point should be old hat for him.
“He is also expected to answer a series of intake questions that include personal details, such as his age.” New dementia test to ace!
Blah blah blah, Trump will say not guilty, blah blah blah, you know the rest.
Maybe one of his moron lawyers will go ahead and try to argue that Trump should either be tried before a jury of fundamentalist Christian talking cows in good standing with the Ku Klux Klan, or not at all.
Wonkette will throw up a livestream for everybody to watch, we reckon.
Good day for America!
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
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CNN just panned on the mob of angry Trump soldiers ready to tear the country apart to reinstate the king in DC. Both of them were waving big flags.
"It is now a high crime embarrassment to our Nation..."
Well, DC's crime rate dropped since you moved your flabby ass back to Florida.