Trump Explains How He Will Eliminate Crime Via Killing Spree

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already. Mom's spaghetti!

Saturday was a big night for Donald Trump. He was heading back to Fox to sit down with Bret Baier to show America's enraged senior citizens he's still got it. His face was caked with orange goo, his combover was neatly parted a millimeter above his left ear, and his signature red tie dangled several inches below his groin. Ope, there goes gravity!

And then ... he whiffed it . No, that's too generous. Honestly, what is the word for going on television and admitting that, yes , you did realize you had classified documents in your pool locker, and, no , you didn't give them back when the government asked, and, yes , you knew they weren't yours, but actually you were far too busy for 18 straight months to go through the stuff you stole on the way out of the White House and pull out your golf sweaters and commemorative Time Magazine covers, so, yes , you did fail to comply with a grand jury subpoena?

 Hindenberg-ed ? Is that a word?

PREVIOUSLY! Donald Trump Charms And Delights America In Bret Baier Interview 

We've had a good laugh at Baier growing a pair and telling Trump to his face that he lost the election, although he made up for it later by calling Hunter Biden a drug dealer on air. And speaking of drug dealers, check out this clip flagged by the Daily Beast .

Trump begins by dissing his wife and praising China. As you do. 

Seems Melon was "in charge of a blue ribbon committee" stacked with "socialites" that considered the problem of addiction in America. But Trump asked Xi Jinping "Do you have a drug problem?" and Xi said "No, no, no, I do not have a drug problem ... because we immediately give a quick trial and a death penalty to drug dealers." ( Bullshit. )

"A drug dealer will kill approximately 500 people during the course of his or her life," Trump babbled on, repeating claims debunked long ago when he previously advocated for mass murder.

Baier then pointed out that Trump supported the First Step Act in 2018, to reform prison sentencing and help offenders return to society. Of course, this being Fox, Baier highlighted the small percentage of those released who re-offended. But Trump countered by pointing to Alice Johnson, a "high quality" woman who "got like 50 years in jail." Trump pardoned Johnson in 2020 after Kim Kardashian lobbied him on Johnson's behalf — an avenue for clemency so improbable that it only served to highlight the hopeless plight of tens of thousands of prisoners who don't have access to a billionaire celebrity to champion their cause.

"But she'd be killed under your plan," Baier interrupted.

"Huh?" asked the stunned mango.

"As a drug dealer," Baier pushed.

"Uhhhh, it would depend on the severity," Trump demurred, just seconds after scoffing that Americans needed to quit being "babies" and start mass murdering people involved in the drug trade.

"According to your data, she's technically a former drug dealer. She had a multi-million dollar cocaine ring," Baier pressed. "So even Alice Johnson in that ad?"

"She wouldn't have done it if it was death penalty," Trump blarbled. "In other words, if it was death penalty, she wouldn't have been on that phone call."

No one has conclusively proved that the death penalty is a deterrent to violent crime, and indeed a 2018 study showed that the murder rate declined in countries which abolished capital punishment. Whether imposing the death penalty for non-violent drug offenders would act as a deterrent has never been tested, although Trump seems quite certain that it would eradicate the problem. And with it the Eighth Amendment's ban on excessive punishments!

Trump went on to say that Johnson "wasn't much of a dealer" and "got treated terribly," which is clearly the case. Naturally, he refused to grapple with his own policy prescription which would treat her better by summarily murdering her, although he concedes that perhaps "the country isn't ready for it."

He also launched into a disquisition on China's "weakness" in the 20th century because "they were all drugged out." Then "things happened and they had strong leadership and things happened and they started to build." Which is an impressive yadda-yadda-yadda-ing of the Communist Revolution and a strongman state.

"If you speak to President Xi, he would tell you 'without the death penalty, we would have a non-functioning country,'" said the guy who routinely accuses his enemies of being "MARXIST COMMUNISTS."

But as always, Trump returned to his favorite subject: his own victimhood, albeit through the prism of a poor Black woman who turned to narcotics distribution in desperation and got a five-decade sentence.

"Honestly, she was treated terribly," Trump went on. "She was treated sort of like I get treated."

The former president had no comment on whether the death penalty for violation of the Espionage Act would have been a sufficient deterrent that he wouldn't have committed the crime 37 times. And strangely, Fox's very serious journalist Bret Baier never asked.

[ Daily Beast ]

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