Trump Hairball Brad Parscale Says Trump Actually Winning, Bless His Heart

We'd say we feel sorry for him, except for how that would be lying.

Donald Trump's overpaid hairball campaign manager — who totally shit the bed in Tulsa, and who's maybe trying to hold on to his job right now — was allowed to write an op-ed in the Washington Post about how ACTUALLY, if you squint your eyes and look at reality upside down, Trump is winning.

Y'all, this is so sad.

It's not poll numbers or rally attendance or ability to string together a sentence without trying to cure coronavirus with bleach, so what is it, Brad, WHAT IS IT?

Well, he will tell us, like in the fifth paragraph of this thing.

We will start with the third, because the first two are just over-hopeful "Don't count us out yet! George W. Bush was down in the polls too!" garbage, and they are boring.

The president's reelection war chest, including a record-setting $131 million raised in June from thousands of donors at all levels. [...] The massive amount raised in June eclipses the total raised in any single month of 2016.

But not Joe Biden's June of 2020, during which he raised $141 million. Biden is up 12 points, 53-41, per Monmouth, which is in line with all the other polls, most of which are showing double-digit Biden leads right now, with many of them showing Biden well over 50 percent.

OK, that fifth graf, where we learn the most important way Trump is leading:

And when it comes to the most important factor ...

Russian interference?

... enthusiasm, President Trump is dominating.

Oh, SAD. Brad Parscale, who is supposed to be such a numbers whiz, apparently has heard about that USA Today /Suffolk poll and read that Biden has an enthusiasm deficit, compared to Trump. (That poll also found Biden up 53-41.) Poor Brad is clearly excited that "[h]alf of Trump backers say they are 'very excited' about their candidate, almost double the 27% of Biden backers who say that." Smelly Brad maybe didn't read the part about how fully 44 percent of Biden voters are doing so mostly because they despise Donald Trump. Another eight percent say we "need a change."

Unwashed Brad, who looks like he didn't get a callback to play Oscar the Grouch's understudy on "Sesame Street" because c'mon, even grouches bathe sometimes , doesn't seem to understand that the story of this election, and every single election since early 2017, has been about something called negative partisanship .

Wonkette cites her all the time, but pollster badass Rachel Bitecofer has been the one who's been the most right about all the voting trends since then, and her data shows that it's not which candidate people LOVE the most, but rather which candidate people HATE the most, who drives people to the polls. Hence, "negative partisanship."

So yes, Captain Stinky, Trump's got the enthusiasm. To bring Biden voters to the polls.

(We feel like we say it nine times a day, but these people will never understand how much average Americans despise Trump. All the people who say they would vote for a wet smegma-covered rock if it got the Democratic nomination? Yeah well, Wet Smegma Rock would be beating Trump 53-41 too right now, if it had gotten the nomination. Bad luck, Wet Smegma Rock! Anyway, that is negative partisanship defined, while also using the words "wet smegma rock" in a sentence. YOU'RE WELCOME, BITECOFER.)

Used dishcloth Brad Parscale goes on to brag about how Trump broke all kinds of voting records in the GOP primaries, vs. previous incumbent presidents running unopposed in primaries, using that as evidence that Trump's really secretly got this thing in the bag. Of course, part of the negative partisanship model, and the numbers we've seen so far, is that it's totally expected that Trump's voters are going to show up too. It's just that way fuckin' more of us hate Trump, compared to Trump voters who hate Biden.

And believe us, our loathing seethes with every passing day, especially as we watch the Trump pandemic kill 130,000 Americans and as we learn about Trump's boss Putin's program to pay bounties for dead American troops, which Trump still refuses to acknowledge. (Something tells us there might be a lot of "negative partisanship" coming out of military base towns on November 3.)

Parscale offers no more numerical support for his thesis, because he doesn't have any. He tries to call Biden the "insider" and Trump the "outsider." He tries to tick off a few bad things about Biden's record, but it's all limper than his limp beard.

The campaign has only just begun to define Biden and introduce the American electorate to who he really is: a 47-year career politician whose actions decimated American working families and betrayed black Americans.

That giant wanking motion you hear right now is yourself, making a giant wanking motion. Seriously, look down, that's you doing that.

To end this post on a fun note, there is a delicious   new Gabe Sherman that just dropped. It says Trump is "down in the dumps" about his shitty poll numbers, BRAD. It says last week Trump called Tucker Carlson whining like "what do I do? what do I dooooooooo," BRAD. It says they're probably going to cancel Trump's already-once-canceled convention speech, because of how Jacksonville now requires masks, and Trump doesn't want to look like a loser like he did in Tulsa, BRAD.

And so much more! There is Mark Meadows whining, the Joni Ernst campaign whining, and also this, about all that "enthusiasm" for Trump BRAD was just talking about:

Trump campaign internal polls show Trump's level of "strong support" dropping from 21 to 17 points since last week.

Sad!

And according to Sherman, some Republicans are saying Trump is "on his own" if he doesn't fix shit by Labor Day. Spoiler, BRAD, but he'll still be Donald Trump on Labor Day. He'll still be the dumbest, shittiest, most loathed president in world human history!

He's not fixing it by Labor Day, BRAD. Have fun with your poor life choices, BRAD.

Open thread, BRAD!

[ Washington Post / Vanity Fair ]

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