The Right Is Having A Real Normal One Over Trump's Unsealed Indictment

Naturally, they're blaming everyone but the guy with boxes of classified documents under his bathroom chandelier.

Yesterday, following the release of Trump's unsealed indictment, while we were laughing and laughing about how incredibly brazen Trump was about having a bunch of classified documents stuffed in a bathroom with a damn chandelier in it, Republicans were throwing spaghetti up against a wall to see what ridiculous response to the indictment would take.

Naturally, my first instinct was to go over and see what all the Qanon people were saying, because I so admire their ability to turn an L into a W for themselves — and don't worry, you guys, the white hats are in control . They know this because Trump sent out a video of himself talking about the indictment in front of a painting of the Monroe Doctrine, in order to send them a message about how the United States of America would never tolerate a puppet leader and Trump is still actually in charge of everything? It's not entirely clear because I don't think these people necessarily understand the Monroe Doctrine, but that is their theory and Biden, in this situation, is the puppet leader who shan't be tolerated.

Another idiotic theory holds that this was all just an "operation" to make it acceptable to arrest and charge former presidents with crimes.

But Nevermind That! Let's Play "Who Wants To Kill Us All?"

No surprise, leading the pack is Kari Lake.

“If you want to get to President Trump, you're going to have to go through me and 75 million Americans just like me," Lake explained. "And most of us are card-carrying members of the NRA. That's not a threat, that's a public service announcement.”

““If you want to get to President Trump, you're going to have to go through me and 75 million Americans just like me. And most of us are card-carrying members of the NRA. That's not a threat, that's a public service announcement,” Kari Lake ”

— Shannon Watts (@Shannon Watts) 1686374909 

That leaves 259 million other Americans in the nation, whom we have to imagine they are also very comfortable with killing.

Rep. Andy Biggs is also very excited to murder us.

 Andy Biggs   

"Lock Her Up?" I Don't Know Her! "Back The Blue?" We Never Said That!

i dont know her mariah carey GIF  Giphy  

One of the defining issues of Trump's 2016 campaign was his promise to send Hillary Clinton to prison for email crimes, resulting in the endless "Lock Her Up!!" chants at his rallies and beyond. That never happened, largely because there was literally nothing to indict her on.

Now, however, they are absolutely shocked and appalled by the idea that Biden would have his political rival indicted, despite the fact that he obviously had nothing to do with Trump being indicted. Presidents don't indict people. Trump was indicted by a grand jury, in Florida, ostensibly made up of people who are not running for president. That, however, has kept absolutely no one from pretending that this is exactly what is happening.

"It is unconscionable for a President to indict the leading candidate opposing him. Joe Biden kept classified documents for decades" tweeted House speaker Kevin McCarthy. "I, and every American who believes in the rule of law, stand with President Trump against this grave injustice. House Republicans will hold this brazen weaponization of power accountable."

“Today is indeed a dark day for the United States of America. It is unconscionable for a President to indict the leading candidate opposing him. Joe Biden kept classified documents for decades. I, and every American who believes in the rule of law, stand with President Trump…”

— Kevin McCarthy (@Kevin McCarthy) 1686273764 

"Let’s be clear about what’s happening: Joe Biden is weaponizing his Department of Justice against his own political rival," tweeted House Majority Leader Rep. Steve Scalise.

"Biden is attacking his most likely 2024 opponent." tweeted Senator JD Vance. He’s using the justice system to preemptively steal the 2024 election. This is what’s happening, plain and simple."

For his part, Ron DeSantis seemed to have forgotten his deep love of the police, suggesting that law enforcement is biased against Republicans, when he knows gosh darn well that law enforcement could never be biased against anybody.

"The weaponization of federal law enforcement represents a mortal threat to a free society," tweeted DeSantis, who has spent millions on recruiting police officers with records of violence from around the country and has proposed starting a civilian military force in Florida. "We have for years witnessed an uneven application of the law depending upon political affiliation."

And Marjorie Taylor Green agreed! 

“Biden and his weaponized DOJ are coming after President Trump because the American people are ready for FOUR MORE years of a Trump White House. I’m excited to join President Trump on Trump Force One on our way to the Georgia GOP Convention!!”

— Marjorie Taylor Greene 🇺🇸 (@Marjorie Taylor Greene 🇺🇸) 1686410178 

Perhaps there is something we could defund to fix that problem?

AND AMERICA WEPT ...

Trump himself responded on Twitter, not in front of a Monroe Doctrine painting, speaking not for himself but for America as a whole, which he claimed "went to sleep last night with tears in its eyes." I actually fell asleep during the first episode of that documentary about Natalia Grace, the girl who is either an abused and neglected adopted child or a murderous adult pretending to be a child, so can honestly say that wasn't the case for me, personally. Can't speak for the rest of you!

To be clear, when he says "THE RADICAL LEFT MARXISTS, FASCISTS, COMMUNISTS, LUNATICS, & DERANGED MANIACS" he is referring to well over half the country, which really does put into question his assertion that "America" went to bed with tears in its eyes.

It seems important to note here that practically all of these people also believe that the 2020 election was "stolen" — so their running theory is that people who are capable of stealing an election that easily are purposely trying to "take out" Trump by going through all of this to take him out, even though if Trump loses the Republican primary, they will still have to run against another Republican. Why would anyone bother? Especially since no one is going to drive voters to the polls to vote for Biden like Trump did. This would be an objectively terrible plan if it were true, which it's not, because Joe Biden was not even on that damn grand jury to begin with.

Trump got indicted because he did some very obviously illegal shit. That's it, that's the whole story.

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