Trump Grappling With Painful Realization That Nancy Pelosi Is His Real Dad

Vladimir Putin, you've been replaced! Haha just kidding, no you haven't.

Donald Trump is super chill right now, you guys. That's what the White House is telling us. He's cool and calm and collected over how he's losing his WALL fight, and hard , and he's totally easy breezy about Nancy Pelosi canceling his State of the Union lie-fest, just light as a feather, it's like Folgers in his cup and he can't believe it's not butter and

The Left has become totally unhinged. They no longer care what is Right for our Countrty!

— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump) 1547733875.0 

"Countrty."

Anything else?

So funny to watch Schumer groveling. He called for the firing of bad cop James Comey many times - UNTIL I FIRED HIM!

— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump) 1547737469.0 

There it is. Is Schumer groveling? Not that we can tell. But Trump isn't all that scared of Schumer, so let's all project our pant-shitting rage fear on to him!

Trump is scared of Nancy Pelosi, though. Oh damn, he is terrified, and he's got all kinds of excuses for why he's not attacking her, all of which are intended to deflect from how he hasn't quite processed yet that Nancy Pelosi is the boss of him (JUST LIKE WE SAID SHE WOULD BE).

A woman? THE BOSS OF HIM? The fuck you say!

The New York Times   reports that Trump is confused and freaking the fuck out over why he's such a failure on this whole WALL thing (because America hates him and always will), but that he really thinks one day America will forget all about the government shutdown and remember how he STOOD FIRM for WALL (he's stupid). But he's not mad at Nancy Pelosi, though! (Is he allowed to be mad at Nancy Pelosi? She hasn't sent him a letter telling him if he's invited to be mad at her.)

Anyway, it's no big deal. Even though Trump craves attention and wrongly thinks he's good at saying words good on TV, the Washington Post   says he's "indifferent" to Pelosi doing a shutdown TO HIS FACE. Maybe it's because his defenders, like Rep. Steve Scalise, are propping him up by telling reporters Pelosi only canceled his State of the Union because she is "afraid of hearing what the president has to say." Yeah, maybe that's it. (That's not it.)

Or maybe he's developed a thicker skin and is letting things roll off his back, like such as how Pelosi calls him the "whiner-in-chief" behind his back, and says talking to him is like getting an unsolicited golden shower from a Russian skunk hooker, or when she makes fun of WALL by calling it a "beaded curtain," or when she makes fun of his obsession with WALL by suggesting maybe he's got peener issues. (Nope, not that either.)

Or maybe Trump has a real strategy here, a method to his madness when it comes to dealing with Nancy Pelosi, STOP LAUGHING, IT'S NOT "FUNNY" TO SUGGEST DONALD TRUMP'S BRAIN WORKS WELL ENOUGH TO FORMULATE "STRATEGIES":

Trump is a proud counterpuncher, but when it comes to Pelosi, he has pulled back on his jabs. That is deliberate, aides and advisers said, because the president believes she would help protect him from impeachment and because he considers her more reasonable than other Democrats.

Jesus Christ, what a fucking moron.

Former Trump adviser and guy who cries a lot during MSNBC interviews Sam Nunberg has thoughts. For once, they are sorta correct thoughts!

"I think that, as usual, he thought he would be able to charm her and that at the end of the day, they would have this great bipartisan type of dealmaking," he said. "I think it's completely naive."

Correction, Sam Nunberg: It was completely naive. That ship has sailed, and now it's Nancy Pelosi's world, and Trump is just eating Big Macs with his thumb up his ass in it. Guess she was serious recently, when she was asked if she considers herself to be Trump's equal, and she replied, "The Constitution does."

Politico quotes a couple of Democratic reps, explaining why Pelosi has the upper hand here. For Pramila Jayapal, it's that Pelosi is "just a badass," STOP THE PRESSES, PRAMILA SAID A CUSS, LET'S TALK ABOUT IT FOR 45 DAYS! For Anna Eshoo, it's that Pelosi is "satin and steel," to which Wonkette replies, OK, CONGRESSWOMAN ESHOO, THAT'S KINDA PORNY !

fyi Politico, this is how you describe a laird's throbbing member in a historical romance novel, not a human woman,… https: //t.co/7kNXq8209O

— Rebecca Schoenkopf, Wonkette Editrix, King Of You (@Rebecca Schoenkopf, Wonkette Editrix, King Of You) 1547738623.0 

Here is the zingiest zinger Trump has been able to come up with for Pelosi on Twitter in the past week:

Why is Nancy Pelosi getting paid when people who are working are not?

— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump) 1547558759.0 

Weak.

The boss of him responded:

.@realDonaldTrump, stop holding the paychecks of 800,000 Americans hostage. There is no reason for them to be suffe… https: //t.co/47OecCZGQ1

— Nancy Pelosi (@Nancy Pelosi) 1547563240.0 

At press time, the president of the United States was wishing he could ask his original real dadfor some moneyto stand up to the mean lady for him, but WOMP WOMP he can't, because his dad is in hell.

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