Donald Trump is having a big constipation tantrum, according to this statement from his spokesman/hired friend Steven Cheung, who literally takes money to say things like this:
Hahahaha, YAY. New Bob Woodward book! (Wonkette commission link has been fixed.) And right here before the election and everything. Whenever Trump manages to pass his morning shit and get his hands free, we imagine he’ll be screaming “ELECTION INTERFERENCE!” on Truth Social.
Before we get into the content of the Woodward book — surprise, but it sounds like Trump is exactly the traitor we’ve suspected he is, even after leaving office — we must ask: How can one be “successfully suing” Bob Woodward, when the lawsuit has not actually yet been, ahem, successful? Hate to be precise about language here, but inquiring minds and all that.
Anyway, book! According to Woodward’s new book War, Trump has called Vladimir Putin as many as seven times since leaving the White House, and back in 2020 when Trump was still president, he secretly sent Putin COVID testing equipment, specifically Abbott Point of Care testing machines. You know, because poor Putin was so scared of COVID. Back when Americans were dying by the tens of thousands and tests were in extremely short supply.
Trump mailed that human excrement COVID tests. Not for the Russian people, for Putin personally.
“Please don’t tell anybody you sent these to me,” Putin said to Trump, according to Woodward.
“I don’t care,” Trump replied. “Fine.”
“No, no,” Putin said. “I don’t want you to tell anybody because people will get mad at you, not me. They don’t care about me.”
Uh oh, cat out of bag now!
We’ve all been wondering if Donald Trump as a non-president has been conducting American foreign policy behind Joe Biden’s back, meddling in foreign affairs, possibly making deals regarding Ukraine, and just generally sucking enemy dick behind closed doors. (We still don’t know why Trump stole all those highly classified state secrets, after all. And does he still have any of the docs he stole? Curious!)
So it’s interesting that earlier this year — 2024 — he kicked an aide out of his office so he could love-chat on the phone with Putin, according to Woodward. That’s the same (unnamed) aide who told Woodward Putin and Trump might have talked as many as seven times since Trump lost the 2020 election.
Jason Miller and his butthole mouth say that’s fake news:
Woodward asked Trump aide Jason Miller whether Trump and Putin had spoken since he left the White House. “Um, ah, not that, ah, not that I’m aware of,” Miller told Woodward.
Sorry, we should have said that Jason Miller and his butthole mouth say that’s “Um, ah, not that, ah, not that I’m aware of” fake news.
Woodward’s big conclusion for his book — which is actually about the Ukraine war, the Israel-Hamas war, and both Trump and President Joe Biden — is that based on everything he’s uncovered, Trump is worse than Richard Nixon, to which we reply no shit, dude.
“Trump was the most reckless and impulsive president in American history and is demonstrating the very same character as a presidential candidate in 2024,” Woodward writes in the book, “War,” which is set to be released Oct. 15.
(We have changed that link to the Wonkette commission link, should you wish to purchase it. Not afraid to be servicey!)
Woodward reports that Keith Kellogg, one of Trump’s national security guys — hey, did y’all know Trump isn’t president? — “secretly met with [Benjamin] Netanyahu during a trip to Israel earlier this year.” Wonder what they talked about! Ha ha, probably nothing.
There’s a whole lot of behind-the-scenes about the Biden administration’s handling of the Ukraine and Israel wars, including what a remarkable intelligence success the US pulled off in 2021, in the lead-up to Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, when they scooped that Putin was planning on invading with 175,000 troops. “It was an astonishing intelligence coup from the crown jewels of US intelligence, including a human source inside the Kremlin,” says Woodward.
“It was as if they had secretly entered the enemy commander’s tent and were hunched over the maps, examining the number and movement of brigades and the entire planned sequence on the multifront invasion,” Woodward writes.
CNN’s report also has a chilling account of how close the Biden administration believes Putin got to using nukes in Ukraine.
There’s also an account of a weird speakerphone call in March between Trump, Lindsey Graham, and Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman. (Graham was in Riyadh with MBS.) Apparently Trump made fun of Graham in front of the crown prince, for once calling for him to be removed over the murder of Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi. Ha ha! Silly Lindsey Graham.
“Graham brushed it off, professing to have been wrong about the autocrat,” says the Post’s account of Woodward’s story.
Also this tidbit from Graham about a different autocrat:
“Going to Mar-a-Lago is a little bit like going to North Korea,” the book quotes Graham as saying. “Everybody stands up and claps every time Trump comes in.”
If you want Biden dirt from the book, the Washington Post has this juicy bit about how he regrets appointing Merrick Garland as his attorney general:
Reacting to the prosecution of his son Hunter — by a special prosecutor named by Garland amid partisan recriminations over the Justice Department’s prosecution of Trump — the president told an associate, “Should never have picked Garland.”
CNN has a whole bunch more where that came from. Also anecdotes about Kamala Harris, including that she thinks one of the reasons Biden might be so comfortable with her is that “I’m the only person around who knows how to properly pronounce the word motherfucker.”
As for the Trump revelations, well, in any normal world, that’d be an October surprise, and the news would be talking about it wall-to-wall for weeks, wouldn’t they? Trump secretly conspiring/phone-spanking-it with the dictator of our greatest enemy? Prioritizing that dictator’s safety over that of his own country’s citizens at the beginning of the pandemic?
But instead, the October surprise is that Russians and Republicans are currently flooding the zone with shit and fake news about hurricanes because Russians and Republicans are literally fine with it if even their own supporters in hurricane zones die from misinformation AKA lies, as long as it hurts Democrats. That’s the October surprise.
Also whatever else Trump’s allies/America’s enemies have cooked up for release between now and November 5.
[Washington Post / CNN]
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“Should never have picked Garland.”
You've never been more right, Joe.
Don't get me wrong folks, but in any normal world, Trump wouldn't be on the ticket. He and his enablers would all be in prison, or in the process of actually going there. They would be all in panic and afraid of having their lives ruined for good.
In a half-way normal world, Trump might be on the ticket, but would be polling in the 20s.
So, honestly, the fact that the race is supposedly close (I am still confident that you folks aren't that stupid, and that a big blue wave is coming) ... basically means that the US is a failed nation already, and the only question is about "how fast" it is "downhill from here".