Rudy Giuliani Only Said All That Dumb Shit Because SQUIRREL! MAGGIE HABERMAN! MAGGIE HABERMAN HOLDING A SQUIRREL!

Sure, BLAME A WOMAN.

Where did we last leave Rudy Giuliani? SHADY PINES, MA? Where he belongs?

No! Instead he's been lunatick-ing around the past 48 hours about how Trump might have done all the collusion, but collusion isn't a crime, despite how CONSPIRACY, which for these purposes is a synonym of COLLUSION, is totally a crime. He also dropped some new knowledge about a second Trump Tower Russian meeting, a sort of planning meeting that occurred two days prior to the main Russian treason event on June 9, 2016. Once he broke news of that -- blaming the "leak" on Lanny Davis and Michael Cohen, despite how it hadn't been published anywhere -- Giuliani promptly made the TV rounds to say maybe there wasn't another Trump Tower Russian meeting and that whoever broke that fake news (RUDY GIULIANI) is clearly a yooge fucking moron who should go to SHADY PINES, MA, where he belongs.

Giuliani tossed the English language's salad in many other ways on Monday, like for instance telling CNN that the only real crime here is hacking, and because the president is not a 400-pound hacker in New Jersey, he is innocent. Trump doesn't even know How To Computers! But let's not get bogged down with all that, because there is new information about that second Trump Tower meeting that maybe happened (according to Giuliani) but maybe didn't (according to Giuliani), who can even say (not Giuliani!).

The Daily Beast interviewed Giuliani, who claims he said all those things because he was trying to catch and kill an upcoming Maggie Haberman New York Times story about the second Trump Tower meeting. We all know the best way to kill stories is to TALK ABOUT THEM ON TELEVISION A WHOLE BUNCH.

Giuliani said the only reason he diarrhea-ed with his face on TV was because all these reporters were calling for comments about the newly revealed Trump Tower meeting:

Giuliani told The Daily Beast that this included reporters from The New York Times , such as the paper's star Trump reporter Maggie Haberman, who had reached out about the alleged pre-meeting meeting. So, he added, "Jay [Sekulow] and I spent a great deal of [Sunday] trying to run it down."

Giuliani said that he believes they managed to "shut it down" and help kill the story ...

You can tell by how Wonkette is writing about it right now!

Maggie Haberman has been appropriately chastised by Rudy Giuliani, and she promises to never do it again. Just kidding:

"We don't talk about sourcing, and wouldn't now—but I have lost the thread of what the former mayor is talking about," Haberman said.

HABER-BURN!

It's pretty clear why this would be a damning admission -- if there was indeed a "planning meeting" for the treason meeting, attended by Donald Dipshit Jr. and Paul Manafort and Jared Kushner and Michael Cohen and (COOPERATING WITNESS) Rick Gates and several others, that means the treason meeting was viewed in Trump Tower as a much bigger fucking deal than they've been claiming. It also makes it even more unbelievable that Donald Dipshit Sr. wouldn't have been looped in on it.

And oh boy, the timeline this helps us to construct! If there was a planning meeting two days before the big treason meeting, that would be June 7, 2016. That night, Donald Trump made an announcement for his gathered deplorables:

"I am going to give a major speech on probably Monday of next week and we're going to be discussing all of the things have taken place with the Clintons," the presumptive Republican nominee said from his Westchester, New York, estate. "And I think you're going to find it very, very interesting."

UH OH! What kind of information did he think he was about to get about Hillary Clinton? Perhaps something from some Russians in Trump Tower? NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION ... yeah actually that is just straight up fucking conspiracy.

Let's check in with Grandpa's Twitter machine and see what he's confessing to today:

By next week he'll be claiming Don Jr. was just the coffee boy and moreover that he's never loved his firstborn son.

Only the second part of that will be true.

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[ Daily Beast ]