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TRUMP UNITES AMERICA! (Behind The Strong, Classy Black Dudes Playing The Foosball)
Kneeling is SO disrespectful!
Sunday mornings in the fall are special in America. A day that nearly the entire country holds sacred. Businesses shut down, some states suspend liquor sales, and the streets are quiet. The good people of America are participating in the hallowed religious ritual ofgoing to churchwatching professional football on the teevee machine. We here at Wonkette are not entirely immune to this phenomenon, some of us having been raised to believe in a magical sky man that grants touchdowns to worthy receivers, such as Steve Largent, PBUH. Your humble Shypixel, in particular, grew up in a family based upon faith. Faith in the trio of professional teams that called Seattle their home, the Supersonics, the Mariners, and especially the Seahawks. As any good, true, and loyal fan does, I nurture a deep and unreasoning hatred for the rivals of my team, and for the stars of those accursed enemy teams. You can see where I am going with this, I hated Colin Kaepernick before it was cool, and for a good reason. I mean, he played for the 'Niners, nuff said. Then he started bending the knee during the national anthem...
Since that initial act of protest againstour national anthem, America, and everything we hold dearthe lack of attention focused on the staggering number of black people beingmurderedaccidentally deadified without any possible blame by our nation's finest, the "Police," the protest has spread through the NFL like a virus, with players across the league kneeling, sitting, or squatting during the anthem. Clearly, this is a national emergency, on par with the bad hombres of Mexico, and old Elton John song titles.
You know who doesn't like that? Known tiny-hands-haver and acting President, Donald Trump. In the long and storied tradition of sitting US Presidents releasing public announcements attacking private citizens, dating all the way back to 2017, D.J. Trumpkins firmly denounced an unnamed footballer man, calling him a "Son of a Bitch"during a stump speech for the unfortunately named Luther Strange (R- Marvel Comics). You know who didn't like that? Football mans. And Basketball mans, too. Grand Champion Of All Basketballing, LeBron James, was surfing the Twitters and calling Our Dear Leader a bum. Even the NFL was like, "Whoa, dude!" and slid waaay down the bench. Faced with such popular backlash, the healthiest President of all time( citation needed )did what any sane person would do, distance themselves from the asinine comments, and apologize.
Hahahahahaha! JUST KIDDING! Stupid being is as stupid does, President Gump doubled down with a trademark twitter tirade. He decried the great disrespect these bad egg sportsballers are showing our great country! He demanded that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell force his peons to stand! He uninvited star Warrior of Golden State, Steph Curry, from the White House! Mr. Curry, the current holder of the NBA's Most Steph Curry Player title and noted basket maker, had already rather publicly declined the invitation to Trump's House Of Pussy Grabbing, but what the hell, YOU CAN'T QUIT,YOU'RE FIRED!™Yes, my gentle Wonkers, our beloved orange diaper king has taken the situation in hand, and like a delicate surgeon, he has meticulously removed this dire national infection, restoring our national unity.
Hahahahahahaha! I AM KIDDING AGAIN! DAMN YOU GUYS ARE GULLIBLE! In a development that only people with functioning brains could have foreseen, fanning the flames has only made the fire bigger. Bigly bigger. One might even be inclined to say YUUUGE! We are rather gleefully able to report that by this morning's writing, the infection has spread across the entire Wide World of Sports. We had already seen cases of Acute Anthem Kneeling in the WNBA, when the aptly named for our analogy Indiana Fever bent the knee to godless communism as a team this past Wednesday. But now this infection has spread to our NATIONAL PASTIME! Yup, you read it here fourteenth, Colin Kaepernick has ruined baseball. Last night, Oakland Athletic Bruce Maxwell became the first MLB player to join this insidious and satanic movement . He even released a statement, justifying his literally pissing all over Old Glory and Betsy Ross's corpse:
"The point of my kneeling was not to disrespect our military or our constitution or our country," Maxwell said. "My hand was over my heart because I love this country and I have family members, including my father, who bled for this country, and who continue to serve. At the end of the day, this is the best country on the planet. I am and forever will be an American citizen and grateful to be here, but my kneeling is what’s getting the attention, and I’m kneeling for the people who don’t have a voice.
"This goes beyond the black and Hispanic communities because right now we have a racial divide that’s being practiced from the highest power we have in this country saying it’s basically OK to treat people differently. I’m kneeling for a cause but I’m in no way disrespecting my country or my flag."
Is that all? No, that is not all! Far away in the Fairy Tale Land of London, players from the Jacksonville Jaguars and Baltimore Ravens staged a massive kneel-down before playing their American football game, inexplicably, in England. Great! Now people in other countries will know that some of us aren't racist fucks. Thanks, Jaguars and Ravens, way to keep it in the family. Even more galling to Trump-loving #MAGA panty-waists, the owner of the Jaguars knelt down beside his lessers in support. But his name is Shad Kahn, so he is probably, you know, one of those people . Take it away, Shad:
— Aditi Kinkhabwala (@AKinkhabwala) September 24, 2017