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Trump Wetting His Britches Over Going To Prison, Wearing Jumpsuit, Being Utterly Alone Forever
Thoughts and prayers, bud.
Rolling Stone has some joyful news to share, the kind that provides warm fuzzies, like those heartwarming stories where a lost dog is reunited with its owner after years, or like when there’s a story about an old white lady who accidentally meets a Black guy when she texts the wrong person on her Jitterbug phone, but there’s a happy ending because she’s not racist to him.
Donald Trump is scared shitless of going to prison and having to wear the jumpsuit. Bless his heart. He’s probably scared he won’t look pretty. You know, the way he looks pretty in his normal play clothes he wears to the golf course.
Trump told Kristen Welker this weekend that he’s not scared of prison at all, but according to reporting from Adam Rawnsley and Asawin Suebsaeng, that’s a lie. This is the sub-hed of their piece:
Would he be sent to a “club fed” style prison — or a “bad” one? Would he have Secret Service protection? And what would they make him wear? Those are some of the questions Donald Trump is asking his lawyers as his many trials loom.
Let’s answer as best as we can:
Bad one, hopefully. You scared? BAWK BAWK BAWK.
Dunno, maybe. You scared? BAWK BAWK BAWK.
The same thing the other inmates are wearing.
Oh, also we bet whatever powdered wombat cum he puts in his hair to make it look like that won’t be available at the commissary either, so Eric will have to bake it into a cake and smuggle it in if Trump needs it.
Specifically Trump has been asking his lawyers and whatever passes as his friends if he’s going to have to wear “one of those jumpsuits.” And maybe do they think a judge might let him do prison at home? What if he “wins” the election, by whatever clever means America’s enemies come up with to make that happen? Will he get to stay out of prison then?
They probably don’t even have a Diet Coke button or a Big Mac slide in jail.
Lots of good walls to fling ketchup at, though. Locked doors with tiny windows. Of course then he’d probably get put in the hole.
LMAO can you imagine how often Trump would get put in the hole?
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Honestly, it’s really unclear what it would look like, trying to jail that fucker. First of all, he’s indicted under 91 felony counts. Would he get to go to a really gross Georgia jail for a while, and then transfer to the feds? Or would the feds get him first?
And then there are the logistics of what an actual prison sentence might look like. Don’t click this link if you don’t want former federal prosecutor Chuck Rosenberg stealing ALL YOUR JOY about the prospects of Donald Trump spending the rest of his natural life in prison where nobody ever visits him, not even Don Jr. probably, if he gets some therapy after Daddy goes away. Here’s another buzzkill.
Let’s not think about those things right now. He’s frightened, and that’s what matters.
Rawnsley and Suebsaeng end their piece drawing one of the only parallels available, that of Nixon’s disgraced vice president Spiro Agnew:
Like Trump, Agnew campaigned as a populist pugilist eager for conflict with the political left. But as the criminal investigation of him mounted, privately “Agnew was utterly terrified of going to jail,” his biographer Charles J. Holden told Rolling Stone. “He was still terrified of that and the humiliation of it haunted him as well.”
Thoughts and prayers, Donald. We’re sure it’ll all turn out fine.
Or maybe some Deep State judge will give him the death penalty, just for fun.
Guess Trump will just have to wait and see along with the rest of us.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.