Trump Wins Peace Prize! No, Not That One.

It's a very special peace prize for a very special boy.

Just a boy with his participation trophy.

Donald Trump’s boner for the Nobel Peace Prize is well-documented. He’s been campaigning for one for years, often in his whiny, passive-aggressive, self-pitying way.

Usually, the whine is accompanied by him adding whatever number of wars he thinks he’s stopped since he came back into office earlier this year, a number that varies depending on the day and how many of the feeble neurons in his dying brain are firing.

There are plenty of reasons Trump has not won a Nobel Peace Prize. One, he hasn’t really stopped any wars. Two, the military on his order is currently blowing up boats full of unarmed South American civilians with the glee of children stomping on ants. Bombing campaigns don’t usually result in peace awards. If they did, Henry Kissinger would have won one.

Wait, what? He did? Okay, aside from Henry Kissinger, the Nobel Peace Prize folks don’t usually reward murderous bombing campaigns.

And third, Trump has been gauchely campaigning for it like he’s in the middle of an Oscar campaign. Can you imagine Mother Theresa or Nelson Mandela telling every camera pointed their way that they deserve a Nobel Peace Prize? Of course not. They were too busy surviving prison and fending off leprosy.

At the same time that Trump has been on this peace prize kick, Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) is working on staging the World Cup next year across the three countries of North America. Gianni Infantino, the current president of the legendarily corrupt organization, has been working overtime to ingratiate himself with Trump.

And boy, does he know all the sweet spots. In August he showed up in the Oval Office with the World Cup trophy to announce the tournament draw would be held at the Kennedy Center (which Infantino referred to as the Trump Kennedy Center, purely by accident, we’re sure). Trump’s obsession with remaking the Kennedy Center is well known. The only venue that he might have rather seen the draw happen is the ballroom at Mar-a-Lago.

Infantino is lucky Trump let him leave with the trophy. There can never be too much gold in the Oval Office for Trump.

Then Infantino had an idea: What if FIFA made its own peace prize and awarded it to Trump? Our big, wet boy would get himself a nice trophy, and FIFA would get itself in Trump’s good graces. There is nothing the man likes more than shiny gold baubles and people kissing his ass up one cheek and down the other.

So that is what FIFA did on Friday:

Oh Lord, he couldn’t wait to get those little fingers on that fake medal so he could hang it around his own neck. And congrats to the photo staff at The New York Times for using a picture of him snagging the medal with those tiny hands like a little kid grabbing for birthday cake. As many people noted, his resemblance to the Grinch was uncanny.

Man, look at Trump in that clip. He’s absolutely glowing. He thinks he has earned this for all his hard work stopping 127 wars, or whatever number he claims he’s up to now. He is the only person in the room who does not know that this is a fake prize invented for the specific purpose of sucking up to him.

Also, what in the name of an unholy God is this trophy that went with the medal? It looks like the poster for a movie about zombies conquering Earth.

Friday’s event also included the Village People singing “Y.M.C.A.” Because it wouldn’t be a Donald Trump event without some kitsch.

If you are in any way a fan of both soccer and democracy, you’ve had a rough couple of men’s World Cups. In 2018, the tournament was held in Russia under the eye of Vladimir Putin. In 2022, Qatar played host amid allegations that the Middle Eastern nation used slave labor to build some of the venues, among other atrocities.

In fact, the list of controversies related to the 2022 tournament has its own long, long, long page on Wikipedia. The 2018 tournament’s page is only slightly shorter.

But 2026 was going to be different. The Cup would be held in the United States, Canada, and Mexico. Finally, we thought when we first heard the news, one of the world’s greatest sporting events will be held in a democracy. In fact, three democracies!

Instead, it’s two democracies and whatever the hell the United States is now with the giant orange galoot in charge.

Ah, well. Nevertheless.

[YouTube]

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