420 Comments
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Thomas B.'s avatar

Those of us from Missouri know that Ed Martin is, in fact, that fucking stupid.

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My Erdos Number Is Five's avatar

Dick dick dick dick dick. Come and arrest me.

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Eureka's avatar

The phrases “the men and women of DOGE” sounds so off.

It’s men. And barely legal ones at that.

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StlSaxist's avatar

I figure a person's fears pretty much define who they know they are and who they're not. If you have to tell me how smart you are, you're not all that smart. If you have to prove how much a manly man you are, you're not. If you're afraid of being called a dick, or your attorney has to threaten people that think you're a dick, well, guess what?

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Eddie Torriale's avatar

We have taken the liberty of drafting a response for the busy Congressman:

Dear Acting:

I write you to advise you that some asshat has stolen a piece of your official stationery and sent this nonsensical threat to make you look foolish. Perhaps it was some unvetted young Musk acolyte who neither knows nor cares what the Constitution says.

You, of all people, would know not only the free speech parameters of the First Amendment, but also know the provisions of Article I, Section 6, Clause 1 of the Constitution. The clause states that "The Senators and Representatives" of Congress "shall in all Cases, . . . and for any Speech or Debate in either House, they shall not be questioned in any other Place."

You are, of course, also aware of The Westfall Act which is a federal statute that "accords federal employees absolute immunity from common-law tort claims arising out of acts they undertake in the course of their official duties", and immunizes such employees by substituting the United States itself for the employee as defendant in a case ( See, Wuterich v. Murtha, 562 F.3d 375 (D.C. Cir. 2009).

You probably even know that the immunity does not extend to the president, who the Founding Fathers believed knew better, (but see Donald Trump was indicted for urging followers to “fight like hell” See, page 15 of 23-cr-00257-TSC Document 252 (Government’s Response to immunity motion) for Indictment 23 cr 257, United States v Donald Trump.).

As a student of history, I am sure you are aware that the Alien and Sedition Act was repealed long ago.

Finally, I would note the writer apparently didn't even read the quote which notes that some Americans want to respond to fights by fighting back on equal terms, and does not say that the Congressman will. As an attorney who drafts indictments, you would certainly know the difference between a quote from someone else and a threat.

You will likely want to prosecute whoever tried to make you look stupid.

Sincerely yours,

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Hops: 86/47 or bust's avatar

Well, Ed, Elon Musk -is- a dick. I don't see what the problem is, other than Elon Musk himself.

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Eureka's avatar

This might be a good time to mention that the hot rumor making the rounds in the fever swamps of Reddit is that Elon Musk had a botched penile enlargement surgery. So this might be an extra touchy subject.

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TalentNotAutotune's avatar

This guy wants to know what a "dick" is? Tell him to look in the mirror.

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Always Be Ithacating's avatar

Childishly, re Musk: I can't help thinking that if your complexion is best described as 'suet', don't waste your time and money on cosmetic surgery. All you'll get is people wondering, "what is wrong with that suet?"

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Thorn Spike's avatar

“Makeshift Synecdoche” is the name of my new garage band.

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Daniel O'Riordan's avatar

How does one file one of these requests for information and clarification that Mr. Martin is dutybound to pursue? Considering the normal rhetoric of your average Republican office holders, we should easily be able to generate a whirlwind of requests concerning statements by R's that could certainly be construed as threats against public officials.

I shall have to go to the DC US Attorney's Office and see if there is information along those lines.

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Rick G.'s avatar

You miss the whole "speech or debate" thing in law school, Ed?

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Queroloustwo's avatar

Does this mean that we can still say FUCK TED CRUZ?

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Daniel O'Riordan's avatar

They'll have to pry my FUCK TED CRUZ off my cold, dead lips.

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𝔅𝔢𝔢𝔩𝔷𝔢𝔟𝔲𝔟𝔟𝔞's avatar

Not quite on point, but where else *could* I post this?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSmYxKIs3PI

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Reb-t86's avatar

This Substack gives me glee

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Wookiee Monster's avatar

Can we just pause for a second remark on the absurdity of Bizarro cavewoman MTG chairing a subcommittee?

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Mr blob's avatar

I feel like there was a sitcom about this on ABC in the mid 00’s

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/2/26/The-cavemen-show-picture.jpg

The Guy on the right is a young Nick kroll

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Wookiee Monster's avatar

Yeah, it was based on those “so easy a caveman could do it” Geiko commercials but it was produced by people who had no idea what made the commercials funny.

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𝔅𝔢𝔢𝔩𝔷𝔢𝔟𝔲𝔟𝔟𝔞's avatar

And green-lighted by people who also had no idea what made the commercials funny. (Might have been amusing in the 1950s, when TV was expected to be stupid.)

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Daniel O'Riordan's avatar

My grandfather told me about going to the neighborhood bar in the late 40's, the only place with a television. They watched a game show where a guy started out in socks, t-shirt, and boxers and added an article of clothing when the contestant got a question right, the goal to identify the historical figure he was dressing as.

When it was over, the guy Grandpa was drinking with went to the pay phone, found the number for NBC in New York, and called them and told them that, if this was the best they could do, they might as well hang it up right now.

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VwllssWndr's avatar

That show would be the biggest hit on TV now.

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