Trump's First Days In Office Were Epic F*ck Show, And We Can't Stop LOLing

never.

Maybe our free press and access journalism aren't completely dead yet , because Ashley Parker has a REALLY FUN new piece out in the Washington Post , about the Trump regime's first few days in office, and HOLY SHIT, Trump's team is a bunch of clowns. The sources are mostly anonymous, so nobody knows who told Heather that Sarah Beth has a crush on Jonas but Jonas hates Sarah Beth because Donald always lets her sit on his lap, and Jonas never gets to sit there ever, meanwhile Derek and Ginger are boning, even though Derek is secretly gay and is blowing half the Secret Service, AND LIKE OMG.

Now, we're not saying anybody is actually gay and blowing half the Secret Service, but MAN, these folks are sniping at each other, like the incompetent dicksnorts they are.

Let's look at some fun stuff that happened in the West Wing since the inauguration, and remember that, even as they spend the next four (or two, or three, depending) years gaslighting us and destroying the country, they will ALSO be making us laugh, because LOL WHAT KNUCKLEFUCKS.

Sad! Donald Trump Was 'Visibly Enraged' By All Them Marchin' Ladies Gussied Up In Pussy Hats!

As the WaPo tells it, Trump came back from that nice interfaith service on Saturday, and as usual, he turned on the TV. And when he did, he saw that ONE MILLION BILLION women were protesting him in DC and around the world, as opposed to the four inbred Bubbas who attended his inauguration. And the TV was making fun of him! Seeing this, he "grew visibly and increasingly engraged," just like the crowd of pussy hat ladies was growing visibly and increasingly!

So his staff was like "Chill bro, do a tweet, rub one out," but he knew that would not do, so it was he, Donald Trump, who demanded that Sean Spicer go out and have that pathetic hissy fit news conference. 

Everybody Thought Sean Spicer Stepped On His Dick, But Trump Wished He Stepped On It HARDER AND STOMPIER!

For real:

... [I]n Trump’s mind, Spicer’s attack on the news media was not forceful enough. The president was also bothered that the spokesman read, at times haltingly, from a printed statement.

Trump has been resentful, even furious, at what he views as the media’s failure to reflect the magnitude of his achievements, and he feels demoralized that the public’s perception of his presidency so far does not necessarily align with his own sense of accomplishment.

Remember, the president has feelings too, and also the nuclear football.

Everybody Hates Kellyanne Conway!

So, according to WaPo, Jared Kushner is Mister Tuff Guy around the West Wing, and "two people close to the transition" say "Trump’s most loyal campaign aides have been alarmed by Kushner’s efforts to elbow aside anyone he perceives as a possible threat to his role as Trump’s chief consigliere." Sorry, Steve Bannon, but you'll never be as pretty as He Went To Jared. Anyway, BUT ALSO, apparently Jared tried to keep Kellyanne Conway from getting a job during the transition, and other aides are complaining about her so much:

Because Conway operates outside of the official communications department, some aides grumble that she can go rogue when she pleases, offering her own message and promoting herself as much as the president. One suggested that Conway’s office on the second floor of the West Wing, as opposed to one closer to the Oval Office, was a sign of her diminished standing.

SNAP. But wait, it gets sassier:

Though Conway took over the workspace previously occupied by Valerie Jarrett, who had been Obama’s closest adviser, the confidant dismissively predicted that Trump would rarely climb a flight of stairs.

STAIRS IS HARD, especially when you're the oldest president ever and you're also weak and pathetic. Bet Popular Vote Winner Hillary Clinton could visit any West Wing office she wanted, by walking to it on her much younger feet.

But maybe Trump loves Kellyanne Conway still, for real! He was reportedly super jazzed about her thoroughly embarrassing performance on "Meet The Press," and he was GRRRR at the lamestream media and the entire American population for LOLing for 24 hours straight when she said "alternative facts." Unfair!

Kellyanne Conway Has Gotten Death Threats, STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!

OK look, Kellyanne Conway is one of the most despicable people we've ever laid eyes upon, but it should go without saying that if somebody is death threating her, that is WRONG AND BAD AND EVIL AND UN-AMERICAN AND CUT THAT THE FUCK OUT. Apparently she has to have her own Secret Service detail now, because of this.

Of course, there are also reports that Conway was throwing 'bows at one of the inaugural balls, because that's the kind of Jersey girl she is. (To be fair, she was reportedly breaking up a fight between two men, and decided she needed to beat some ass. If she wasn't such a craven trashball liar, this would make us respect her more.)

Kellyanne Conway Will Get Off Our Television Now?

IF THIS IS TRUE, HOLY SHIT, PLEASE MAKE IT TRUE, MERCIFUL GOD:

Conway said she now hopes to limit her television appearances. Instead, she is taking on an expanded portfolio ...

THAT'S RIGHT, GET OFF OUR TEEVEES.

Anyway, the article ends by saying it's all good now and everybody is getting along, at least until Jennifer finds out Craig fingered Caroline in the Situation Room, which allegedly upsetted Steve Bannon because he still hasn't found nobody to finger in the White House, and probably never will.

[ Washington Post ]