Tucker Is SOOOOO SURE, You Guys, Like, UGH, WHATEVER!

He's going to his room now to sulk, bless his heart.

Tucker's not doin' so hot, y'all.

Everybody knows for sure now what a liar he is, and he's had all 89 million hours of January 6 footage for weeks now and no matter how he cuts it, it's still a video of a terrorist attack, and he can't seem to find a clip that proves that Antifashli Babbitt was a fed. Donald Trump is maybe about to be indicted — which shouldn't bother Tucker because he totally hates that guy — and we don't know what else is up Tucker's ass right now, but he just seems in poor form.

We think that's how we get monologues like that thing he delivered the other night, where he sounded like he was malfunctioning like a funny primitive computer, the kind that takes up a whole room and smoke comes out the side.

And we guess it's how you get clips like this from last night, where he is just defiantly poopypants and YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM and all the rest. He, Tucker, is whining that the news media doesn't like to tell the truth. He, Tucker, is whining that the media forces its viewers to go along with "whatever CHILDISH SLOGAN they've come up with this week."

What slogans?

"January 6 was an insurrection, guys!"

"Vladimir Putin is a war criminal!"

"Trans women are women!"

Those are the slogans. After the slogans, Tucker would sarcastically say "OKAY!" or "ALL RIGHT!" like a sulking teenager rolling his eyes because you are so lame and embarrassing and he hates you and he's going to his room to sulk now. He's very upset.

None

— (@)  

For the record: January 6 was a terrorist insurrection committed by domestic terrorists and Vladimir Putin is a genocidal piece of shit and trans women are women and Tucker Carlson gives aid and comfort to our enemies and also has well-documented masculinity issues. 

Now everybody groan and dramatically roll your eyes and say I'M SOOOOOOO SURE.

(By the way, guess which whiny Florida Man just felt the need to dramatically walk back his recent Putin ball-lickery and tell Piers Morgan that Putin is indeed a "war criminal" and then steal a 2014 John McCain quote about Russia?)

So that was Tucker's show last night.

 Here is a clip of him yelping every 1.57 seconds in his high-pitched voice about "dumb, desperate people in middle age hoping to keep on to their stupid TV jobs, you add scripts and some hairspray, and they just repeat the lies FOR you!" He says he's talking about China, but everybody on the internet is looking at him funny and saying words like "projection" in Russian. And "Tucker just roasted himself live on air." And "a rare glimpse of self-awareness from Tucker."

Now everybody flip your hair out of your face and dramatically roll your eyes and say I'M SOOOOOOOO SURE again.

None

— (@)  

And those are the only clips from Tucker's entire hour last night that matter, or that we were able to find in five seconds of looking before we got bored.

If you want to read his whole entire monologue, you can do that, but we don't recommend it. The Fox News description says it is about the "radical climate agenda." OK, sure, Tucker, radical wanking motion dot gif.

The first words of his monologue were "Let's enter Fantasyland for a moment," and that just sounds like some kind of icky groomer talk and we don't like it.

Besides, again, everybody knows with 100 percent accuracy what an active liar Tucker is now, so, you know, fuck it.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here! 

And once that doesn't exist, I'm also giving things a go at the Mastodon (@evanhurst@newsie.social) and at Post! 

Have you heard that Wonkette DOES NOT EXIST without your donations? Please hear it now, and if you have ever enjoyed a Wonkette article, throw us some bucks, or better yet, SUBSCRIBE!

 Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons .