Uh Oh, Looks Like Ted Cruz Did The Black Dahlia Murder! Tabs, Wed., Dec. 24, 2025

Morning news roundup and your guide to this week!

Dec 24, 2025

Tabs gif by your friend Martini Glambassador!

So what’s the story for this week? You’re looking at it! And maybe a cocktail this evening.

Here’s your movie date! ZiggyWiggy will see you Thursday for our traditional Christmas matinee of Die Hard at 5 p.m. ET. Then, this Saturday, it’s The Long Kiss Goodnight. Lol I love that movie. I still say “I’m not a MONSTER” every time I hand a child a doll (before trying to murder her).

Because Christmas sits awkwardly on a Thursday this year, I’ve executive-deciderered that we’re taking Friday off too rather than making the staff come back to sit around with their Christmas thumbs up their Christmas asses. I’ll give you something each morning of this crazy long weekend to comment around, but that’s going to be it, suckers! “Enjoy” your time with “family” just kidding for the scare quotes, you’re good people, so most of you probably have family that doesn’t hate you. Good job everybody!

But very seriously for a moment, thank you with all my heart for keeping Wonkette not just alive in this very stupid year but with money for hiring such wonderful writers and paid days off too.

A Christmas bonus for Wonkette? Oh you shouldn’t have! Unless you wanted to!

Wonkette Christmas Bonus $$$

And now for your tabs! I’m trying not to include anything too horribly terrible or terribly horrible … only partly terrible and a little bit horrible!

Here’s a bona fide NICE: Supreme Court tired of embarrassing itself for Trump, for once, declines to let him send the National Guard immediately to Chicago (and Brett Kavanaugh is all WHAT WHO ME KAVANAUGH STOPS? I NEVER!). (Ruling)

Just in time for Christmas, the LA Times makes an awfully good case that Ted Cruz did the Black Dahlia murder. (Archive link)

Okay, so maybe (?) Epstein did kill himself, but if he did, he had a wet kiss for Donald Trump on the way out? (Epstein File at Justice) But DOJ is like nah mang we are definitely way on top of this thing we put every FBI agent on for months already.

Rep. Joyce Beatty is suing the administration to pry Trump’s name back off the Kennedy Center because fuck all those fucking fucks. (Washington Litigation Group)

I don’t know if Marcie or Evan have given you this one yet, but oh, look who did all the exact same mortgage frauds he’s (unsuccessfully, so far) charging all his enemies with? (Pro Publica)

The weirdo infighting at the Widow Kirk’s Miles of Smiles Convention! (I am just saying, if my husband had his neck blown off, my smile might be somewhat less gleaming.) (MS Now)

Looks like we’re deporting fact-checkers, for fact-checking. So that’s not great! (State Department)

What if the Anti Defamation League wasn’t grossly licking Trump’s knob? (Jewish Telegraphic Agency)

An oldie but a … well, it’s about dick pics, but the solicited kind. (Mel Magazine)

Christmas songs and things to look at! (Cassidy Steele Dale at Think Future)

Somebody Vacation-ed grandma, on a plane. (Fodor’s)

Marcie put this in her Wonkerful List playlist yesterday, but does it even count if you can’t watch the video???