UK Shan't Have Boris Johnson To Punt In The Bollocks, Anon, Mayhap!

He has been pitched under a loooorry, cor blimey!

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson announced his resignation today, following the resignations of roughly three million (or 60) members of his cabinet in recent days in the wake of a tawdry willy-grabbing scandal and Johnson's generally chaotic tenure in office. In a speech outside 10 Downing Street, Johnson offered such wisdom as "No one is remotely indispensable" in politics, and "Them's the breaks," yes really. He didn't bother apologizing for any of the decisions he'd made in office, or for scandals like his parties at Number 10 during lockdown, or his constantly changing stories about when he first found out former House of Commons Whip Chris Pincher was a sex pest.

Instead, he blamed his Conservative Party for being a bunch of cattle, explaining that he'd argued it would be "eccentric to change governments" when he was doing such a bangers-and-mash job, but "as we've seen in Westminster, the herd instinct is powerful when the herd moves, it moves." Johnson did not specify what particular species of livestock of which his party consists.

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A parody Twitter account for Larry, the Downing Street cat who'll soon be on his fourth prime minister since he took up residence when David Cameron held the office, offered Larry's services as caretaker PM until Johnson is replaced.

““I am willing to serve as caretaker Prime Minister because that’s frankly less ridiculous than the idea of Boris Johnson hanging around a minute longer” #YesWeCat #LarryForPM”

— Larry the Cat (@Larry the Cat) 1657192123 

The account, we'll add, is not connected to any official British agency. See what happens when you get your hopes up?

Technically, Johnson has only resigned as head of the Conservative Party; he'll formally remain prime minister until his party chooses a new leader in a process that we'd like to think involves a farcical game of croquet played with flamingos as mallets. Honestly, it's nowhere near that interesting, according to this rundown from CNN ; all told, it's likely to take anywhere from a few weeks to even months.

In the meantime, every subject of the British Crown will take turns to act as a sort of executive-officer-for-the-week, but all the decisions of that officer 'ave to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meetin'. By a simple majority, in the case of purely internal affairs, but by a two-thirds majority, in the case of more major ... and then Queen Elizabeth told us to shut up, betraying the violence inherent in the system.

Johnson has appointed temporary members of the cabinet to keep the government running until a replacement is named, and he's pledged to make no changed to existing policies or to implement any other "changes in direction" while his time runs down. In an encouraging development, Rudy Giuliani hasn't said anything about flying to London.

There won't be new elections either, since the Conservatives hold a majority in Parliament, so the UK will end up with another Conservative as Prime Minister. CNN has a brief overview of some of the likely candidates; we're sort of rooting for Trade Minister Penny Mordaunt, since her name seems rich with opportunities for at least one pun. Or maybe this "Tom Tugendhat" fellow, should he turn out to be an actual person and not a Tolkien character.

In an analysis piece, the Washington Post     offers this brief requiem for the Johnson Era before pulling the flush handle:

In the end, it wasn’t a policy failure that ended his premiership. It wasn’t a money scandal involving dodgy deals or crony contracts. It wasn’t really a lack of vision. What did in Johnson was his constant bobbing, weaving and ducking. His dissembling. His prevarications over a series of scandals — coronavirus lockdown parties, the refurbishment of his official apartment and the appointment of an ally accused of sexual misconduct.

His fellow Tories expressed not disappointment in Johnson, but disgust.

“Enough is enough,” said outgoing health minister and leadership contender Sajid Javid. “I have concluded that the problem starts at the top and I believe that it is not going to change.”

Johnson’s Cabinet ministers were sick of being shoved in front of the cameras to tell fibs on morning TV news shows — only to find out hours or days later that Johnson and his aides hadn’t told them the full truth.

With Johnson there was always another shoe to drop.

There's also the possibility that members of his own party may succeed in getting Johnson to actually leave Downing Street before the stench gets into the carpeting too bad. Former PM John Major said leaving Johnson in power after he's lost support "may be unsustainable," while former top Johnson aide Dominic Cummings tweeted that Conservatives should “Evict TODAY or he’ll cause CARNAGE.”

Cummings said Johnson even now is “playing for time” and will try to stay on if he’s allowed to remain in office until the fall. “He doesn’t think it’s over,” he said, speculating that Johnson is plotting and thinking , “ ‘I can still get out of this, I got a mandate, members love me, get to September.’ ”

We would recommend that British security agencies keep an eye out for weirdos in fur vests and horned hats in the meantime.

[ CNN / WaPo / NYT / NBC News ]

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