United Airlines Pure And Good And Innocent, According To United Airlines

Why did he victimize United Airlines so?

United Airlines has moved to phase three of its beautiful performance art installation on How To Do Things Real Bad. The first phase was where the airline overbooked a flight from Chicago to Louisville, and then VERY NICELY DEMANDED that a 69-year-old doctor named David Dao should GTFO off the plane, but he didn't want to, because we guess he was under the silly impression that if you buy a plane ticket to go to a place, a plane will take you to that place. Anyway, he resisted, and then Chicago Aviation Department police were forced to fuck the doctor up all bloody, because this is America, and corporations are people with beliefs too, and United Airlines sincerely believed he should GTFO off the plane.

Phase two was when United was like "Oh goodness we dunno, ask the Chicago PD, it's their fault, not our fault," and the Chicago PD -- which has LITERALLY NO HISTORY OF VIOLENT BEHAVIOR EVER -- was like "Oh gosh, we think Dr. Dao fell down the stairs."

So, phase three! It's the letter from United CEO Oscar Munoz to his staff, to let them know that no matter what, he has their back, as they all hold a space for each other through this very difficult time, of fucking customers the fuck up and then suffering the public consequences. The letter is ... well, it sure is a thing! Let's read it:

Dear Team,

Like you, I was upset to see and hear about what happened last night aboard United Express Flight 3411 headed from Chicago to Louisville. While the facts and circumstances are still evolving, especially with respect to why this customer defied Chicago Aviation Security Officers the way he did, to give you a clearer picture of what transpired, I've included below a recap from the preliminary reports filed by our employees.

See? It is the doctor's fault! Now, to be fair, you're not really supposed to tell police officers to fuck off, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, perhaps this is a situation United Airlines created for itself, with its practice of overbooking flights, maybe? Like, for real, sometimes all the people who buy tickets for flights are going to show up.

As you will read, this situation was unfortunately compounded

UNFORTUNATELY COMPOUNDED

when one of the passengers we politely asked to deplane

POLITELY ASKED

refused and it became necessary to contact Chicago Aviation Security Officers to help. Our employees followed established procedures for dealing with situations like this.

ESTABLISHED PROCEDURES. Wait, what? There are "established procedures" at United for "BRB hold my beer, gonna go fuck up this one customer"?

While I deeply regret this situation arose, I also emphatically stand behind all of you, and I want to commend you for continuing to go above and beyond to ensure we fly right.

I do, however, believe there are lessons we can learn from this experience, and we are taking a close look at the circumstances surrounding this incident. Treating our customers and each other with respect and dignity is at the core of who we are, and we must always remember this no matter how challenging the situation.

Oscar

Well that is very nice, and we're glad to know United Airlines is good and pure and wonderful and does no wrong.

Munoz then included a recap of the incident, which says the airline made Dao a very reasonable offer to get off the plane and go away now, and then he had the audacity to get all yelly and say he needed to go home on this airplane right now. And they KEPT telling him very nicely that he did not get to go on airplane he bought ticket for, thinking dumbly that the ticket in his hand meant he would get to go on airplane. Dao just didn't get it, so United had to call in law enforcement to bring the pain, but all law enforcement did was lovingly carry the doctor off the plane after he accidentally fell down go boom and ended up covered in his own blood. And hey, they eventually let him back on the plane and, after they cleaned up all his gross blood, the plane still took off two hours later. No harm, no foul, right?

They ... do know there is video, right? In case anybody from United didn't know there is video, here is video:

Or maybe United will notice what is happening to its stock prices right now, and that will activate the compassion in their hearts to try to do better next time:

Anyway, the Transportation Department is now reviewing the incident, and Illinois Democratic congresspeople like Mike Quigley and Jan Schakowsky have released statements that say "WTF, BRO, UNITED AIRLINES, U ARE FUCKED UP." But they probably should amend their statements, because Dr. Dao's hometown paper, the Louisville Courier-Journal , has published an important journalism piece about how he, the guy who ended up all bloody, has had some problems with the law in the past, so we guess that means he is No Angel and probably deserved it.

What in the hell is wrong with the world?

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[ Chicago Tribune ]