Veep Debate: Not Really Live Blogging, But Hey. . .

8: 58PM:They have just completed the essay portion of the debate.

9: 10PM:Cheney: "I have never said there was a connection between Iraq and al Qaeda." Yes! And watch these monkeys fly out of my ass!

9: 23PM:Bush-Cheney's global test: You must be able to beat up Howard Dean. "If [Kerry] can't stand up to the pressures of Howard Dean, how can he stand up to terrorists?" Of course: the terrorist threat posed by Howard Dean. We're pretty sure we saw him trying to set his shoes on fire during Letterman last night. . .

9: 30PM:Should have had on the drinking game: "Tora-Bora," "inaccurate," "terror" and all its derivatives, "body armor," "90 percent of the coalition casualties," "fail" and "when John Kerry is president of the United States."

9: 31PM:Direct engagement! It's funny when Cheney accuses Edwards of lying because it clearly confuses him: "No sir, no sir, no sir. . . "

9: 42PM:"Factcheck.com"! But don't be surprised that the Vice President is at least a little internet-savvy. That's where he buys the virgin blood he needs to survive.

[Ok, it's basically live blogging. But don't get used to it! Totally fucks with the drinking game. . . ]

9: 44PM:Cheney tries to duck the first domestic policy question, saying it's supposed to go to Edwards even though Edwards answered the last one. But it's about education, so maybe he'll be able to relate it back to Chechen school massacres and scare us anyway.

9: 48PM:Turns out that first question was about jobs, not education. Apparently the only thing worse than the Bush-Cheney education record is the Bush-Cheney jobs record, so Cheney switched the subject.

9: 57PM:Shorter Dick Cheney on gay rights: "I like my daughter ok, but I would totally do my running mate."

10: 03PM:Shorter John Edwards on gay rights: "We shouldn't be talking about this. We ought to be talking about... something I am less conflicted over."

10: 05PM:Cheney and Bush just can't shut up about the OB-GYNs. . . Is it just a blatant attempt to appeal to women, or is there something totally creepy going on? Wait, don't answer that. . .

10: 07PM:Gwen is really into asking if Dick or John feels "personally attacked." Is this a debate or an encounter group? How's she going to end this thing? "Okay guys. . . HUG!"

10: 12PM:Is Edwards playing our drinking game or what?

10: 14PM:"I was not aware of those statistics about black women," says Cheney: "See, we don't pay that much attention to African American women in this administration. . . I mean, we have the one!"

10: 16PM:BREAKING NEWS! Edwards: "I agree with John Kerry."

10: 19PM:BREAKING NEWS: Edwards: "I like John Kerry."

10: 20PM:Gwen: "Without mentioning their names, tell us why yours is a better candidate." What the fuck? Is this like a party game? Pictionary?

10: 22PM:BZZZZZzzz! Edwards says the forbidden word! No soup for you! You have to clean up after dessert! Here's your lovely parting gift. . .

10: 23PM:He did it again! But you know, Gwen, this game sort of sucks. . . .

10: 30PM:Please be over.

10: 33PM:Cheney: "Hard to know where to start?" Hell, finish already. . .

10: 35PM:MILL WORKER!!!! Where's that moonshine?

10: 37PM:Hey, who won?!?! Oh, right: Soon the media will tell us. Oh, wait. . . We are the media! Tune in to NBC and we'll tell you what to think!