Welcome To Trumpville, Population You!
It'll be the Greatest, Most Beautiful Depression!
Wednesday was “Liberation Day” at the White House — the day Donald Trump’s new tariffs would liberate us from the prosperity of the Biden economy — so Trump held a big announcement ceremony at the White House Rose Garden, which is so much better now that it’s uncontaminated by roses. We made a point of not livestreaming it for you yesterday, so you are very welcome.
Trump insisted that Liberation Day would be remembered forever as the day America became wealthy again, the day that he put a stop to foreign countries and “scavengers” constantly cheating America and “raping” our economy, and yes, that is exactly how he put it because he is a disgusting pig.
Here he is, explaining the magic of tariffs.
Oops, we seem to have pulled up the wrong tariff clip. We won’t inflict the actual speech on you, but we will note that Trump walked out to a very tinny, sparse rendition of “Hail to the Chief,” which may indicate that DOGE fired a third of the Marine Band.
We must also point out that all through the speech, in the YouTube live chat, some dipshit kept posting “BITCOIN OR SLAVERY” over and over. It made as much sense as the speech itself.
The Big Beautiful Speech
Trump, always quick to throw in all the good news he can, began by claiming that winning two unfilled House seats in Florida Tuesday changed the GOP majority from one seat to seven, so you can have full confidence in whatever numbers he throws out about tariffs.
He explained that his long-delayed 25 percent tariff on all imported cars and trucks would go into effect immediately, and also insisted all the autoworkers in Michigan voted for him, especially the Teamsters, who we should add do not build automobiles.
Trump ran through a rapid-fire list of grievances against other countries, and explained that in the good old days prior to the 1920s, tariffs made the USA richer than at any time in history, and that they generated so much money the federal government could barely count it, let alone know what to do with it. You remember how everybody was prosperous in the late 19th century and there was no poverty, don’t you? Well it’s true, so don’t question him.
Trump also claimed that the US switched from tariffs to the income tax in 1913 “for reasons unknown to mankind,” possibly because we have erased all records of how American farmers demanded an income tax that would apply to everybody, instead of tariffs that left them getting low prices for what they produced, but made buying equipment to produce it insanely expensive. Hilariously, conservatives thought they could kill off a bill to enact an income tax by requiring it be a constitutional amendment, but it sailed through Congress and was quickly ratified by the necessary three quarters of the states. No one knows this, however, certainly not presidents.
Trump also lied, as he always does, that swapping tariffs for the income tax meant that “citizens, rather than foreign countries, would start paying the money necessary to run our government,” because no one will ever convince him that tariffs are paid by US buyers, not foreign countries.
Even more weirdly, he insisted that the Great Depression was the result of abandoning tariffs, a view held by perhaps seven economists, two of whom are actually stuffed toys. He regretted that the Smoot-Hawley tariff was simply too little, too late, so sad. Again, real economists and historians agree the tariff worsened the Depression, but we bet they all voted for that pinko Roosevelt.
Throughout the frenzied, stream-of-sociopathy address, Trump talked at an extremely rapid clip, and while I am but a humble Doktor of Rhetoric, not an MD, it seemed to me that he must have snorted at least quadruple his usual pre-speech intake of Adderall.
He griped about trade deficits as if they actually were paid out of Americans’ pockets, when they simply measure the difference between what we buy and what we sell. (As a rich nation, we buy many nice things!) We do not actually go broke when we buy more stuff from a given country than we sell to that country, but Trump considers that a very sneaky thing for those countries to have inflicted on us, because he is an idiot.
We should add that, in his speech at least, Trump seemed to forget his earlier online (multiple) suggestions that he is actually imposing tariffs on fentanyl, which being illegal is not generally taxed. He may return to that, however, because he is so confused/sundowning/in a state of not giving any shits about making sense at all.
The Big Beautiful Plan
Trump finally explained (if that’s the word) his plan (if that’s the word) for taxing Americans into prosperity. We can at least be sure that “taxing” is the word, since that’s what a tariff is.
For starters, there will be a universal 10 percent tax on all imports, no matter where they’re from, even small volcanic islands near Antarctica that have no industry or people. Those penguins have been cheating us for too long, and Trump will probably send ICE after them.
On top of that base, the “plan” would add additional import duties on a country-by-country basis, supposedly based on a very scientific calculation of existing tariffs they place on US imports, plus all their “non-monetary barriers and other forms of cheating,” because apparently there is a formal math number for “cheating.”
The added tariff would supposedly be half of that very scientific total (on top of the baseline 10 percent), because Trump said the US is being very generous and “kind” in its retaliation. Trump made a great show of reading various total cheating amounts and “reciprocal” (not reciprocal) tariff rates off a chart. It is a chart, so you know the numbers are real and unquestionable:
That chart immediately made big strong economists exclaim, with tears in their eyes, “Sir, that is some bullshit. Vietnam does not charge anything like a 90 percent tariff on US goods, sir, you fucking liar, sir.”
Trump’s claim that there’s any rational basis for the calculation is, of course, pure bullshit, as The New York Times explains (gift link).
Each country’s new tariff rate appeared to be derived by:
• Taking the trade deficit that America runs with that nation and dividing it by the exports that country sent into the United States.
• Then, because Mr. Trump said he was being “kind,” the final tariff number was cut in half.
That is not really a number that means anything, economists all agreed, because if we are importing a lot of cheap electronics from Vietnam, that’s good for US consumers even if Vietnam is not buying an equal amount of Maine lobsters, Idaho spuds, Miami Sound Machines, or Cleveland Steamers from the US.
A White House spokesperson had previously told reporters that the rates were calculated by Trump’s Council of Economic Advisers and that the numbers were based on very well-established methodologies that the spox did not reveal, but they were truly scientific as fuck.
The Big Beautiful Fallout
Trump claimed that the miracle of tariffs would bring in $6 trillion, which is a very stupid way of bragging that he would be raising Americans’ taxes by SIX TRILLION DOLLARS. He insisted that the only people who would conceivably complain would be “globalists, outsourcers, special interests,” and of course the “fake news” media, who hate America.
In actual financial markets, the reaction was about what you might expect: International stocks plunged, industries predicted sharp price increases on imported goods, and futures markets in the US dropped sharply too. NBC News pointed out one “funny” little irony, which is that several of the US’s top adversaries, notably Russia, won’t be hit with tariffs much at all beyond the 10 percent basic tax, because they were already under US trade sanctions and thus had little or no trade deficit for Trump to be mad at. The tariffs won’t affect other countries we already don’t trade with, such as Cuba, North Korea, and Belarus.
Products from some of the poorest countries in the world, like Cambodia, Lesotho, and Bangladesh, which primarily export cheap goods to the US but import little themselves, will be hit with extremely high retaliatory tariffs, so that will teach them something about being poor and not buying enough US shit. Again, the tariffs will be paid by US consumers, so expect much higher prices on clothing, textiles, and other stuff at the dollar store. Err, the two-dollar store.
In conclusion, it is a brand new day of prosperity, and don’t you forget it, buster.
[CNN / NYT (gift link) / MSNBC / NBC News]
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I remember when some idiot said “if the Dow drops 1000 points in two days, the President should be impeached immediately!”
I repeat:
𝗜𝘁'𝘀 𝗲𝗮𝘀𝘆 𝘁𝗼 𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝘀𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝘀𝗼𝗹𝘂𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗲𝘅 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗯𝗹𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗱𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝘂𝗰𝗸 𝘆𝗼𝘂'𝗿𝗲 𝘁𝗮𝗹𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁.