Welcome To Wonkette Happy Hour, A New Orleans Bender!

Hooper's drinking his way through New Orleans. Let's tag along.

Greetings, Wonketeers! I’m Hooper, your bartender. In the interest of maintaining this column's high standards, I traveled to New Orleans last weekend. Strictly for research and development purposes, mind you. I’d like to share the results of my investigations with you. It took a great deal of stamina and focus on my part to compile these, but I’m courageous enough to make the effort for my readers. Let’s drink New Orleans together. Here’s part 1 of the itinerary.

Now this is how you disembark a plane.

Day 0: 12:45 PM, Jean Lafitte’s Old Absinthe House

Three hours in the back of a cramped, stuffy 737 has left me stiff and restless. I’ve only been on my feet for fifteen minutes, but I need to clear my head and stretch my legs before starting my research. Time to visit “home base,” an absolute gem amidst the strip clubs and daiquiri shacks, my favorite bar in the Quarter: Jean Lafitte’s Absinthe house. I’ll be back for some of the Green Fairy later, but tonight I need a quick pick-me-up:

Ferrari Shot

1 ½ oz Campari

1 ½ oz Fernet Branca

Pour into a small rocks glass and serve.

It’s a big pour for a Ferrari. It’s been a long trip. I down it gratefully, and all at once. Fernet and Campari go together like Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. They’re absolute chaos, but a hell of a good time. A Ferrari is bitter, mentholated, herbal, and just barely sweet enough to choke down. I’ve fortified myself with one of these before many a shift, and my work has barely begun in the Big Easy. I pay my tab and go looking for a half dozen oysters before calling it a night. Tomorrow, the real work begins.

Day 1: 10:11 AM, Cafe Beignet, Bourbon Street

While my family gets ready to explore the Quarter, I pick up some fortifications for us all. I’m not expecting much more than Zing Zang and vodka in a cup, but this is NOLA. I’m immediately reminded that they take pride in their drinks here.

There’s something magical about a city where you grab three Bloody Marys to go and walk down the street with them.

Quick Bloody Mary

1 oz Worcestershire Sauce

1 oz vodka

2-3 dashes hot sauce

Lemon wedge

Lime Wedge

Zing Zang Bloody Mary Mix

Add lemon, lime, Worcestershire, vodka, and hot sauce to the cup. Muddle gently. Add ice, Zing Zang, and garnishes.

Day 1: 10:15 AM, Jean Lafitte’s Old Absinthe House

Time to start the day properly. The Absinthe Bar is a blackened dive bar covered with business cards from floor to ceiling. It’s a crumbling piece of history, where Jean Lafitte and Andrew Jackson planned their defense of New Orleans. And it contains the most extensive collection of absinthe in America. I try Jade Liqeur’s Nouvelle-Orléans Absinthe Supérieure. My bartender does everything right.

Sorry the picture’s blurry. Many things are getting blurry at this point.

Absinthe Service

Pour 3-4 oz of quality absinthe into a small rocks glass. Place a sugar cube on top of an absinthe spoon over the glass. Using a barspoon, coat the sugar cube with absinthe. Ignite the sugar cube with a wooden match. Add more absinthe to keep the flames fueled as needed. When the sugar cube is melting, pour 3-4 oz of cold water over it to fully dissolve the sugar into the absinthe. Stir and serve with a glass of ice on the side.

I’m pleasantly surprised by this absinthe; it has an earthy, cocoa-like taste that tames and complements the star anise. This is the only place in the world where I can explore different flavors and expressions of absinthe, and I love every second of it. Now I know that I’m in New Orleans. Time to get serious.

Vieux Carre

¾ oz Sazerac Rye

¾ oz Meukow VS Cognac

¾ oz Dolin sweet vermouth

¼ oz benedictine

2 dashes Peychaud’s Bitters

2 dashes Angostura Bitters

I love a good Sazerac; I’ve always viewed it as the New Orleans take on the Old Fashioned. This is the New Orleans Manhattan; lighter, sweeter, more herbaceous, more complex, with a dash of star anise to give it some terroir. I like the Sazerac better, but I’m happy to start my work with one of these, made by expert hands.

Day 1: 11:46 AM, 3rd Block Depot Kitchen

The food is definitely too avant-garde for me here, but it’s a fine place to take a break while my family scours a nearby vintage clothing shop. I decide that a bit of comparison and contrast is in order.

Next time I come here I’m totally ordering the pork cracklings.

Rue Chartres Sazerac

1 ½ oz Sazerac Rye

½ oz Meukow Cognac

½ oz simple syrup

3 dashes Peychaud’s bitters

Dash absinthe

Add the absinthe to a small old-fashioned glass. Roll the glass to coat the interior with absinthe, then shake it out. In a mixing vessel, combine all other ingredients over ice. Stir until the outside of the glass is cold. Strain into the prepared old-fashioned glass. Garnish with a lemon twist.

The bartender pointed out that she preferred a split base of rye and cognac for her Sazeracs, which does bring it a bit closer to a Vieux Carre. Even with the split base, the two drinks remain distinct. The absinthe lends a sharp sweetness to the Sazerac; the vermouth and Benedictine provide a proud, deep, rich sweetness.

And that, my fellow Wonketeers, takes me up until noon of Day 1 on my drinking travels. My liver couldn’t quite keep up this pace all weekend, but I’ve got a few more explorations that I should share with you. We’ll talk about those next week.

My home bar is Hemingway’s Underground, the hottest cocktail bar in pretty little Medina, Ohio. I’m behind the stick Wednesday-Saturday, 4-10. Last call’s at midnight. Swing on by and I’ll make a drink for you… or anything else from our little Happy Hour here at Wonkette.

OPEN THREAD!