Welcome To Wonkette Happy Hour! This Week, We're Giving You A BAR MAKEOVER!

Jon Taffer is NOT ALLOWED.

Greetings, Wonketeers! I’m Hooper, your bartender. A reader asked me to talk about the essentials of a good home bar last week. We’re about to dive into tiki season and porch cocktails soon, so this is a good time to talk about the basics. Pull up a barstool and crane your neck so you can look at the rail. I’ve got some recommended bottles, and a few key recipes, below.

Before we get started, I want to gently disabuse you of the notion that you need a *full* bar at home. You don’t need to have bottles of gin, and whisky, and tequila, and rum, and vodka in the house at all times. A professional bar is equipped to provide any cocktail at any time to a guest. You’re under no such constraints. Far better that you invest in a few bottles that you’ll replenish often than have a bunch of shelf queens gathering dust. If you love Mount Gay rum, keep it on the shelf. Don’t buy a bottle of tequila for the possibility that a guest will show up in your home demanding a margarita.

The one bottle that you should always have on hand, no matter your cocktail base of choice, is triple sec. This sweet orange liqueur shows up in a ton of cocktail recipes, from Long Island Ice Teas to top shelf margaritas. It’s like having dried bay leaves in your kitchen; you don’t think about their flavor often, but they show up in many soups or roasts you make. Far too many home bartenders — and professional bars, for that matter — skimp on this core ingredient. Don’t buy cheap triple sec. The bottom-shelf stuff tastes like boozy, flat orange soda. I’ve been recommending a midrange option, Stirrings All Natural Triple Sec. It has some bergamot and other citrus notes that make it worth your time. If you want to invest in the best, go with Cointreau. It’s pricey, but it will elevate every cocktail you make.

Angostura bitters are also a must. This little bottle is the “salt and pepper” in many great drinks. It smooths out the rough edges on a cocktail and provides a little spice in a boring glass. Orange bitters run a close second in my home bar, but Ango shows up in more classic recipes. Stick to the basics.

Still want some bottle recommendations? Okay, okay, twist my arm. Here are my cheap go-tos in every major category. By “cheap,” I mean “$20, maybe a bit more.” Go below that, and you’ll end up with some sketchy stuff.

Tiki Underground, my other favorite employer of all time.  https: //www.tikiunderground.com/  

Gin: Boodles is my go-to. It’s a classic “London Dry” gin, with clear juniper notes, but it also has a vibrant cast of supporting herbal flavors that make it worthwhile. There are some fantastic citrus-forward gins out there, like Hendricks and Watershed Four Peel. But London Dry gin has been around forever. Most cocktail recipes are written with it in mind. For a basic, best stick to the classics.

Vodka: Tito’s. All vodka is pretty much the same. Tito’s isnice to dogs . Next category.

Rum: I agonized over this one for a bit before settling on Bacardi Anejo 4 Year. Puerto Rican rums are classics; when you imagine “rum flavored,” you're probably thinking Bacardi flavored. Bacardi Gold is harsh and sharp; aging for 4 years in barrels dramatically improves the flavor. And it’s still very affordable. If you use rum in a cake recipe, this rum will make it awesome.

Tequila: I recommend El Jimador Blanco Tequila. It tastes like fresh agave in a sun-drenched Mexican field. The perfect margarita base. Jose Cuervo is the devil’s armpit squeezings. It’s got a little tequila and a lot of garbage Mexican rum in it. Never let it touch your lips.

Bourbon: A hotly debated topic. I’ll stick my hand in the bear trap and choose Four Roses bourbon. It’s a mellow, middle-of-the road bourbon with no surprises, but a ton of flavor. There are a lot of great bourbons out there; keep away from the bottom shelf and you’ll be fine. Skip the Canadian whisky. There are some premium choices that are good, but most of the category is garbage.

Good bar gear is a must. I’ve written about all the tools you need to make good cocktails before, and that advice still stands. I use my two-part shaker every day. Knowing how to use one of these well is crucial, and having a solid rhythm to your cocktail shaking will impress your guests. I do have a three part shaker in the back of my liquor cabinet. It welded itself together in the dishwasher years ago. I’ve never been able to pry it apart.

Aside from that, you do need some ingredients from the fridge to make a good drink. Fresh limes are a must. Any bottled lime juice you buy has a ton of stabilizers added to it that make the juice taste nasty. Plastic bottles provide plastic juice.

You also need a sweetener. Simple syrup sells for about $3 at the liquor store, and my soul hurts every time I see someone buy it. Here’s the recipe for simple syrup, folks:

Simple Syrup

1 cup white sugar

1 cup water

Dump the sugar and water into a saucepan. Simmer over medium high heat until the syrup is clear. Or simmer over low heat for a little longer. Or just dump the sugar and water into a squeeze bottle, give it a good shake, and forget about it for a few hours. It’s sugar water, folks. It makes itself.

With these tools in hand, you’re prepped for a solid summer of drinking. Buckle up, folks. I’ve got some big plans for the year.

In summary and conclusion, drink well, drink often, and tip your bartender — donate to Wonkette at the link below! Seriously, my boss is awesome, if you like reading my recipes please chip in! And if you'd like to buy some bar gear or books from Amazon, please click here! 

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