Greetings, Wonketeers! I’m Hooper, your bartender. And yes, I’ve got another tiki drink on the menu today, because summer is approaching fast, and I adore tiki, and this weekend has an amazing tiki event that I will share with you joyfully after I recover from it. But until then, let’s take a good-but-not-great tiki cocktail from the Internet and give it a few tweaks to make it magnificent. Let’s kick back and enjoy a drink called “The Floor Is Guava.” Here’s the recipe:
The Floor Is Guava
2 ½ oz guava nectar
1 oz Smith and Cross Jamaican Rum
1 oz lime juice
1 oz house grenadine
1-2 dashes Angostura bitters
Topo Chico sparkling water
Pour the guava nectar, rum, and lime juice into your tin. Add 2-3 ice cubes. Shake and pour the cocktail into your glass over crushed ice. Drizzle the grenadine over the cocktail. Dash 1-2 shakes of bitters over the drink. Fill the glass with Topo Chico. Garnish with a maraschino cherry and lime slice.
House Grenadine
8 oz POM pomegranate juice
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon pomegranate molasses
½ teaspoon orange blossom water
Heat all ingredients in a medium saucepan until the sugar is fully dissolved. Pour into a bottle with a tight seal. Lasts for weeks in the fridge.
The original version of this cocktail was written by Erin, from the blog Peanut Butter and Fitness. I liked where the original was going, but I decided to get a little more sophisticated in my rum choice. The recipe specifies “dark rum,” which doesn’t tell us much about the flavor profile. There are a lot of rich-tasting rums with a bit of caramel color added to them, and none of them taste quite the same. Erin likes Diplomatico rum. It’s a nice sipping rum but far too sweet for my taste.
I decided to use Smith and Cross, an aged Jamaican rum that’s very popular with the tiki crowd. Jamaican rum has a quality that’s difficult to describe in a way that sounds remotely appealing. Aficionados call it “hogo.” The exact ingredients that lend Jamaican rum this magical flavor are … well, let’s just call them “unsanitary” and leave it at that. I would describe the scent as something akin to a bunch of bananas you left on the counter and forgot about before going on a two-week vacation. Tasting it resembles the experience of trying a truffle for the first time — the flavor is unique, intense, unlike anything you’ve ever had until then. You’ll either love it or hate it. There is no middle ground. Trust me that, somehow, this actually tastes good. When added to fruit juice, it adds complexity, character, and ripeness that bottled juice lacks. I know, I know, it sounds atrocious, but you should try it at least once.
Jamaican rum and tropical fruit are an easy pairing, but in the original proportions the guava juice and rum weren’t really combining well. It was a glass of rum and guava juice, not a cocktail. Erin’s recipe was pretty stingy with the lime and grenadine — and of course, my house recipe for grenadine is far superior to the premade junk you find at the liquor store. I bumped each ingredient up to a full ounce. I also added a dash of Angostura bitters to bring a touch of bitterness and spice to the drink. The Topo Chico provides bubbles and dilutes the thick, rich guava. Erin originally garnished this drink with a flaming lime shell, a trick I showed you all two weeks ago. I decided to keep things a little calmer with just a lime slice and cherry.
Let’s talk ingredients:
Guava nectar: Anything that’s mostly juice as opposed to sugar is good. Guava nectar is sweet, mild, tropical, and thick; the texture and flavor dictate a lot of our ingredient choices in this glass.
Smith and Cross Jamaican Rum: If funky overripe-banana rum isn’t your thing, I’d suggest Bacardi Anejo. Four years of aging greatly improves the character of Bacardi. Honestly, just about any good rum will be fine here. You might want to bump up the amount of rum to an ounce and a half; Smith and Cross is 114 proof, so more rum flavor from an 80 proof pour might be safer.
Lime juice: Fresh lime, fresh juice. Plastic lime, plastic juice. You know the drill.
House grenadine: My grenadine is super tart, thick, and earthy. Rose’s grenadine is high fructose corn syrup and red food coloring. Take the time to make good grenadine. You won’t regret it.
Angostura bitters: A little bitterness and spice in this drink gives the cocktail more complexity and balances the sweetness of the grenadine and juice.
Topo Chico: The sparkling water is absolutely needed to give the guava juice some loft. Topo Chico is the best, but any sparkling water or club soda will do in a pinch.
Garnish: Pouring the grenadine and bitters in last provides a pretty layered effect, but stirring the drink together before consuming it is a messy affair. Looks like I need to get some good swizzle sticks at the tiki flea market.
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OPEN THREAD!
*rant switch on*
Y’all excuse me for a second. I’m-a need a running start to appropriately break my foot off in this nitwit’s ass.
Tonight, the Times’ Style Book column points out that fighting bullies makes everyone look bad.
Motherfucker, I don’t fuckin’ think so.
The context of this article was the House Oversight hearing that was covered here earlier today, where Marge Greene made an abusive, obnoxious, drunk-ass racist fool of herself.
The columnist posits that fighting fire with fire leaves everyone blind or some bullshit.
As a child I was taught not to hit bullies because they’d get bored and leave me alone. It didn’t work out for me so great. I remember walking down the hall minding my own business and getting pummeled so badly I couldn’t raise my arms far enough to put on a shirt the next day.
When a bully tees off on you for no good reason, you rip their goddamn face off. You fight dirty. Grab them by the balls and yank hard. Knock teeth out. Elbow to the back of the head. Get nasty.
In that spirit, when someone like Marjorie Taylor No-Longer Greene insults you, you give as good as you get. If they use playground rules, you do too. If you don’t, you lose, and you hate yourself later.
Fuck these mincing ninnies. Life is a battle. If you’re a pushover, you get kicked down.
*rant switch off*
I found one of my old lady hens dead, today. I didn't really poke around on her to figure out why. She was all intact, so it wasn't a predator. She might have been egg bound, but I'm not going there. I put her in a feed sack and I'm going to have my husband deal with it. I guess this is why I got chicks. The OG ladies are six, now, and that's within the limits of a chicken's life.
RIP, nameless Hen. Thanks for the eggs. I hope I wasn't a bad owner and that you had a pretty good life.