Welcome To Wonkette Happy Hour, With This Week's Cocktail, Rum!

Really, really good rum. And a cigar.

Dear Lord, I needed this.

Greetings, Wonketeers! I’m Hooper, your bartender. And I am exhausted. I’ve been working every day for the past two weeks. I won’t get a day off until Father’s Day. The daily headlines are a train wreck. It’s just been … you know? Yeah. You know.

So, time to change it up. I spent a bunch of tip money on a bottle of one of the best rums I can get in Northeast Ohio. I’m sitting down on my back porch, sampling this beauty, and indulging in the one cigar I permit myself in a year. Let’s talk about how to enjoy an expensive spirit, why I love rum despite all its flaws, and maybe a few thoughts about booze in general. Time for some rum. Here’s my take on how to enjoy the experience.

Planteray 20th Anniversay XO Rum

3 oz Planteray 20th Anniversary XO Rum

Pour the rum into a small brandy snifter. Warm the rum in your hands, cupping the glass. Smell the rum. Take a note of the various perfumes coming from the glass. Grapefruit? Cocoa? Banana? There are no wrong answers. Take a small sip and let it sit in your mouth, between the tip of your tongue and your teeth. Roll it to the middle of your tongue, then back to the front of your mouth. What do you taste? Hazelnut? Vanilla? How thick is the rum in your mouth? Is it heavy, like syrup? Is it sweet? Ignore the ethanol — some alcohol “burn” is inevitable, but unless it feels “hot” in your mouth, other flavors should predominate.

Finally, swallow. Let the perfumes of the rum wash through the back of your tongue, your sinuses, your throat. What do you smell? What can you taste on the back of your palate? Wait a full minute. You’ll experience different things as time goes on.

If you’re inclined, puff on a cigar once or twice. Notice how the dry aroma and taste of the tobacco interact with the rum. On your next sip, let the rum change and push the flavors of the tobacco down your throat. Keep an ice-cold glass of water nearby to reset your palate when the flavors get muddy. Take your time. There’s no rush.

Continue sipping and smoking the cigar as needed until the world seems a better place.

A little brandy snifter or whiskey glass improves the experience of tasting a top-notch bottle. The aroma of the rum gathers and pools near the narrow lip of the glass, while the wide bottom exposes more of the spirit to the air. Smelling a good rum like this is as important as tasting it.

The burn of the alcohol is inevitable in any spirit. This glass gives you so much to think about, from the rich tropical notes to the heavy, sweet mouth feel, that it’s easy to ignore the sting. But it’s there. You forget the bad when there’s so much good in this little snifter. Or you embrace the sting, knowing that the alcohol will numb your pain quickly. Oh, the stories I could tell about that nasty little truth. I’ve seen a lot in my time as a bartender, and even more working as a liquor store clerk. But for everyone’s peace of mind, I’ll observe the bartender’s code and keep my peace. This little glass of rum is about the here and now, and taking joy in the moment when you can.

Rum is far and away my favorite spirit. Bourbon has too much hype associated with it in 2025, and I find bourbon to be too simplistic at heart. Scotch can be delightfully smoky and rich, but the price point on the good stuff comes close to my monthly mortgage payment. Tequila runs a very close second; I’ve got three bottles of the good stuff in my liquor cabinet now. But rum is incredibly diverse and compelling. Funky Jamaican rum, buttery Trinidad rum, and dark caramel Demerara rum taste almost nothing like each other, but they all cooperate and harmonize in a great tiki drink or stand alone as beautiful experiences.

And, of course, there are pirates. I love pirates. I grew up in Beaufort, North Carolina, one of Blackbeard’s homes. How could I not like rum?

Rum has a wicked history, of course. Molasses, rum, and slaves were the cornerstone of American trade at one point. But instead of dwelling on the darkness, I’m choosing to celebrate the present. The very best rum producers are operated by the descendants of oppressed people living in the Caribbean. Jamaica is working to designate its rum as a protected product, despite the objections of multinational conglomerates. The Caribbean has claimed rum as its own, and celebrating that is worthwhile.

Let’s talk about our only ingredient:

Ingredient shot. As it were. I promise, I don’t smoke these often.

Planteray XO 20th Anniversary Rum: Planteray is another example of the present overcoming the past. Early last year, Maison Ferrand finally got around to changing this name brand from “Plantation” to “Planteray.” It took five years to get there, but eventually, good sense won out.

This is a blended rum, taken from multiple barrels of Bermuda rum aging from 12 to 20 years. The blend then sits in used bourbon barrels for a while, aging further, before being shipped to France, where it’s aged again in used cognac barrels. According to the technical documentation, there’s very little caramel sugar in the final product, less than .1 percent. Many “premium” rums, like Zaya or Diplomatico, are sweetened after aging. Despite being made from molasses or cane syrup, rum isn’t intrinsically sweet. The Planteray has a huge, rich mouth feel, but I don’t get much sugar taste from it. It is very complex, however. And oh, so good.

In summary and conclusion, drink well, drink often, and tip your bartender – donate to Wonkette at the link below!

Wonkette one-time donation!

We aren’t linking to Amazon anymore, because fuck that coward Bezos with a rusty bar spoon. Go read Modern Caribbean Rum instead. It’s a beautiful deep dive into my favorite spirit, a gorgeous exploration of the home of rum.

You can find me on Bluesky at @samuraigrog!

OPEN THREAD! DRINK!