Welcome To Wonkette Happy Hour, With This Week's Cocktail, BEER!

Also, InBev sucks. Permit an old punk bartender to explain why.

A proper beer tasting is done at a messy kitchen counter, with tomato pie in the background. All the experts agree on this.

Greetings, Wonketeers! I’m Hooper, your bartender. Oktoberfest started right after Labor Day here in the Midwest, and it doesn’t really show any signs of slowing down until … well, October, when pumpkin beers take over the store shelves. It is prime beer season in America right now. There’s no time like the present to pour a pint. Even if you don’t like beer, Germany has a very tasty brew waiting just for you. Pull up a barstool and let’s have a beer. 

Beer is a vast subject. We’ve been making it since biblical times. There are dozens of different beer styles, each with a unique flavor profile. Microbreweries have taken these styles and put a unique spin on them in search of a signature beer they can call their own, providing even more choices. It’s reached the point where it’s difficult to know where to begin talking about beer without getting lost in history and technical terms. I decided to start this Friday with one very simple, relatable question that everyone can understand:

Why does Bud Light taste so terrible?

Honestly, it doesn’t. Hear me out. I’m not claiming that Bud Light is good. It’s just not horrible. It’s not anything. There’s an old bartender’s joke: “What do Bud Light and making love in a canoe have in common? They’re both fucking close to water.” And that’s pretty much true. Bud Light uses rice as its core starch, the blandest grain you can brew with. Some hops for preservation, barley for color and flavor, and lots and lots of water. That’s Bud Light for you. If you serve it very cold, it’s kind of pleasant, in the same way that a glass of ice water is pleasant. It’s not even very potent, clocking in at a touch over 4 ABV. 

If you want beer that actually tastes like beer, this is the time to find it. The microbreweries that have spent all summer making pineapple IPA, strawberry crunch cream ale, and other oddities settle down and get back to basics, making pure traditional German beer to show off their chops. Proper German beer obeys the laws of the Reinheitsgebot, laws set down during the time of the Holy Roman Empire. These laws make it very clear that beer can only have three ingredients: Hops, barley, and water — more or less the same recipe as Bud Light. So why is Bud Light so bad when a proper German beer is so good?

If you guessed “corporate shittification,” you might be a regular reader of Wonkette. But you’d also be right. Budweiser has German roots; Inbev is still a Bavarian company. But every corner that could possibly be cut in making Bud Light has been snipped. Bud Light is at least 30 percent rice. It’s “beechwood aged,” but the beechwood has been soaked in baking soda for seven hours, increasing its lifespan but rendering it flavorless. Bud Light is as cheap as possible, and it tastes like it. 

There are a lot of American takes on the German classics available now. Small brewers who actually care about making good beer are making Oktoberfest beers all month. Some brewers, such as my beloved Great Lakes Brewery, turn out German goodness like Dortmunder Gold all year. Well-balanced beer made in the German tradition by people who care about craft is light years better than Bud Light and its ilk.

The folks at InBev know this, of course. And they’re trying to gain some quality beer in the only way a corporation can — by buying it. Around 2019, InBev bought out Platform Brewing, a great Cleveland brewery just as tasty as Great Lakes. It was part of a buying spree that captured Goose Island, Blue Point, and Devil’s Backbone. InBev, being a soulless corporation, immediately ran these companies into the ground. They fired everyone who made good beer, overproduced anything that sold well like Haze Jude, and smothered the innovation they were trying to purchase. The last straw came in 2021, when the employees at Platform’s Columbus taproom walked out under soul-crushing conditions. Platform Beer no longer exists. InBev puts out some products with their iconic skull logo, but they’re all canned cocktails or hard seltzers or other abominations. 

Platform Beer’s epitaph.

So maybe Bud Light isn’t bad, exactly. But InBev is terrible. 

Whew. Okay, after all that, I need a drink. Here’s some bottles that I’m enjoying during this drinking season: 

Steigl Grapefruit Radler: This is a fairly new offering in America from Germany. It’s a combination of grapefruit juice and beer, very much like a summer shandy (which is beer and lemonade). I’ve had versions as light as 2%, half the alcohol content of Bud Light. The malt flavor that dominates “pure” German beer is muted, and combines with the grapefruit wonderfully. It’s a great beer to drink while walking around a fall festival, and a strong recommendation for anyone who doesn’t like conventional beer. 

Pineapple IPA: This particular beer was made by a local brewery in conjunction with a local grocery chain. It’s probably the most common combination of fruit and IPA I’ve seen lately. Imperial Pale Ales, or IPAs, put the hops front and center in the classic hops+barley+water=beer formula. The bitterness of hops supports light fruit flavors wonderfully, especially acidic citrus. 

American Lemon Sour: Another grocery store beer that punches above its weight. Sour beers like this gain pucker power from fruit or the natural brewing process. I prefer them over IPAs; some brewers push the bitterness levels of IPA to near undrinkable standards. 

Southern Tier Pumking Ale: This is an “Imperial” ale, which is another way of saying an IPA. But the mellow pumpkin and spices really make this a treat. You’re going to see a dozen pumpkin ales on the shelves as the season progresses. This one stands out. 

Portersville Strawberry Crunch Cream Ale: Oh, you thought I was joking about how crazy microbreweries can get? This one is definitely fruity and malty. If you love a good Strawberry Surprise, this might be it.

Narragansett Lager: I’m sort of obliged, as a Hooper, to like this beer. It’s the perfect beer to guzzle down while hunting a great white shark — or for a clam bake. It’s no better or worse than Bud Light, I suppose. But it’s a humble beer, “Sold On Merit,” still owned by New England investors. Honestly. I think it’s my favorite. 

In summary and conclusion, drink well, drink often, and tip your bartender — donate to Wonkette at the link below!  And if you'd like to buy some bar gear or books from Amazon, please click here!

You can find me on Threads and Insta at samurai_grog!

OPEN THREAD!