Welcome To Wonkette Happy Hour, With This Week's Cocktail, The Fitty-Fitty Martini!

Well, two cocktails really. I can explain.

You can go with this, or you can go with that, or you can go with us.

Greetings, Wonketeers! I’m Hooper, your bartender. It’s going to be an absolutely mad season at the country club bar this month, with Mother’s Day, Memorial Day, and the re-opening of the golf course. It’s time for me to catch my breath and talk about a simple, classic cocktail, presented in a new way for 2025. Martinis never go out of style, but the old-school recipe doesn’t get much love at the bar anymore. Let’s drink a (sort of, not quite) Fitty-Fitty Martini:

Fitty-Fitty Martini

2 ½ oz Hayman’s of London Old Tom Gin

½ oz Cocci Americano

2 shakes orange bitters

Add all ingredients to a cocktail mixing glass filled with crushed ice. Stir until the outside of the glass is frosty cold. Double-strain into a chilled martini glass. Garnish with a lemon twist.

Fitty Sidecar

2 ½ oz Cocci Americano

½ oz Hayman’s of London Old Tom Gin

2 shakes orange bitters

Soda water

Add Cocci Americano, gin, and bitters to an iced highball glass. Top with soda water. Garnish with a lemon twist.

This isn’t a true “fitty-fitty” martini. Audrey Saunders created the Fitty-Fitty Martini at the Pegu Club in New York City during the ‘90s, when martinis weren’t much more than cold gin or vodka, skip the dry vermouth. Ms. Saunders wrote the Fitty-Fitty to reintroduce vermouth and orange bitters to her audience. I absolutely agree with Ms. Saunders about the value of good aperitif wines and orange bitters, but I’m not fond of her presentation. Vermouth is complex and not particularly sweet; it needs a little introduction before your average drinker learns to love it.

Serving a vermouth-forward highball with a classic martini helps you find and appreciate the complex flavors of a dry vermouth, both in the classic cocktail and in a highball. It’s also a glorious way to kill a lazy Saturday afternoon.

Punch’s article on the Fitty-Fitty opens up with, “The martini spent the better part of the ‘80s and ‘90s as a stripped-down, mostly-gin (or, gasp, vodka) version of itself,” and I had to wince. That accurately describes 95 percent of the martinis I’ve served in my career as a Midwest bartender. Almost every “martini” that I have poured has been ice-cold vodka, served neat in a chilled martini glass, no vermouth.

I love classic martinis, and will happily make one for myself after a long shift. A complex gin and intricate vermouth, served ice cold, in proportions large enough to give you time to appreciate them — what’s not to love? It’s a drink to be sipped, not slurped. You need to take the time to savor a good martini. The gin and vermouth stay with you after each sip. It’s the definition of “civilized.”

The problem with a classic martini in 2025 is the alcohol content. Two and a half ounces of liquor is a lot for one sitting. I’ve disparaged adding soda water to cocktails in the past, but as summer approaches I’m starting to change my mind. Lengthening a spirit-forward cocktail makes it more approachable and porch-weather friendly. Flipping the proportions on a martini and adding soda brings it closer to an Italian spritz. It’s a very nice low ABV “martini,” perfect for lunch or when all that alcohol isn’t in the cards.

Let’s talk ingredients:

Ingredient shot. Tonic water instead of soda would be great here.

Hayman’s of London Old Tom Gin: I chose a very classic “Old Tom” style gin for this pair of drinks. I do enjoy more floral gins like Hendrick’s or Four Peel Gin from Watershed, but I thought a modern version of classic gins like Beefeater would be better suited to displaying the virtues of the classic martini.

Cocci Americano: Cocci Americano is not, technically, a vermouth. Vermouth uses wormwood as its bittering agent; Cocci uses cinchona bark. Cocci gets used as a vermouth in every bar I’ve seen, and it’s far better than most of the cheap vermouths I can buy in Ohio. I’d recommend it in a heartbeat.

Orange bitters: Orange bitters have been a part of the classic martini recipe since its inception, but fell by the wayside as tastes changed. I love orange bitters, so I decided to add them to this experiment in martini-making.

Soda Water: I experimented with a premium soda water for this cocktail. It’s nice, but not nice enough to justify the cost. Feel free to use fizzy water from Canada Dry, or your Soda Stream if you’ve got one.

In summary and conclusion, drink well, drink often, and tip your bartender — donate to Wonkette at the link below!

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We aren’t linking to Amazon anymore, because fuck Bezos with a rusty bar spoon. Go read The Martini Cocktail: A Meditation on the World's Greatest Drink, with Recipes, by Robert Simonson instead. This James Beard and Tales of the Cocktail award-winning book gives you an exhaustive, well-written guide to one of the best cocktails in the world, with recipes to match. If you’re a fan of the classics, this one needs to be on your bookshelf.

You can find me on Bluesky at @samuraigrog!

OPEN THREAD! DRINK!