Welcome to Wonkette Happy Hour, With This Week's Cocktail, The Mele Kalikimaka!

Another holiday tiki drink, because Hooper loves tiki. And rum. Mostly rum.

Greetings, Wonketeers! I’m Hooper, your bartender. I love taking classics and making them fresh, especially when it comes to using holiday favorites in unexpected ways. This cocktail looks strange on paper, but it’s utter genius once you wrap your head around it. Let’s have a Mele Kalikimaka. Here’s the recipe:

Mele Kalikimaka

2 ½ oz Pusser’s Rum

3 oz pineapple juice

1 oz orange juice

1 ½ oz eggnog

Fresh nutmeg for garnish

Shake the first four ingredients with ice. Pour into a hurricane glass or tiki mug. Top with a sprinkle of fresh nutmeg and garnish as desired. Play this song , sip this cocktail, and drift off into island bliss.

This cocktail is the kissing cousin of a classic Painkiller, a drink that’s similar to a pina colada. Add a little orange juice and fresh nutmeg to a pina colada, and bingo — a Painkiller. It’s the touch of nutmeg that makes it. Add some spice to rum and juice and we’re moving in the direction of a true tiki staple, something that takes the qualities of a classic punch and transforms it into a perfect island getaway.

If you ask yourself, “You know what ELSE tastes good in a glass with nutmeg on top?” then you can transform this into a holiday drink. Creme de coconut gives a pina colada body, sweetness, and creaminess. In the right proportions, a good all-natural eggnog can provide the same qualities. From island getaway to Hawaiian Christmas — what could be better for a gray December day?

I’m conflicted about using Pusser’s rum. On the one hand, it’s extremely tasty. It’s the closest thing we could get to classic British navy rum. The owner of Pusser’s bought the recipe from the Navy, and makes an annual donation to the Royal Navy and Marines Charity for the privilege. On the other hand, Pusser’s copyrighted the recipe to the Painkiller, and put a few bars out of business that dared to serve Painkillers that didn’t use Pusser’s. More than a few bars will serve “Brain Drillers” or other cocktails that skip the Pusser’s, just to thumb their nose at the attorneys .

In that spirit, let’s talk ingredients:

Ingredient shot. The Mele Kalikimaka sauntered gently off to the tropics shortly after this photo was taken. Matthew Hooper 

Pusser’s Rum: If you dislike Pusser’s corporate attitude, there are a lot of other good options. Hamilton 86 is extremely close to Pusser’s, as is Mount Gay Black Barrel. Bacardi Dark would be good here if you want a less expensive option. Don’t use an unaged rum like Bacardi White here.

A traditional Painkiller is served in “levels” at a tiki bar. Level 1 is 2 oz. of rum, Level 2 is 3 oz., and so on. At level 4, you’ve got more rum than juice in your glass (and your bartender is probably already calling you an Uber). This does tell us that the juice and spice backbone of this drink is pretty strong. You can add a lot of liquor to the glass and still find it tasty. If you need some serious medicine to make it through the holidays, feel free to go all Mauna Loa on your tropical Christmas cocktail.

Pineapple juice: I always use canned juice instead of fresh. Fresh juice doesn’t have enough acid or body to make a good cocktail. I use the little cans from Dole for all my drinks.

Orange juice: I used bottled juice, but I’d give serious thought to using fresh if I had the option. A little extra sweetness and acidity would be welcome here. I would be open to other juice blends here, like orange mango or even orange-mango-banana.

Eggnog: If you were very, very attentive over the year and made some eggnog in September,like I suggested, then you’re in for a serious treat. Aged eggnog is amazing when you add a little fresh eggnog — the good stuff you just got from the store — to it. In this cocktail it’s wonderful. Go ahead and try it. If you’re lactose intolerant, you can use almond nog or another substitute. It won’t be the same, but it will taste great all on its own. Don’t use cheap “holiday nog” from a carton. That stuff probably uses carrageenan instead of egg as a thickener. (Can you imagine???) That seaweed extract will definitely provide body, but you’ll lose a ton of creaminess and character.

Nutmeg: Fresh nutmeg makes all the difference. Pre-ground nutmeg tastes dusty in the glass; fresh nutmeg is spicy and slightly numbing, like Szechaun peppercorns. Splurge and get the good stuff for the holidays. You won’t regret it.

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OPEN THREAD!