Welcome To Wonkette Happy Hour, With This Week's Cocktail, Vodka Shots!

If you're going to drink the hard stuff, do it in style.

Greetings, Wonketeers! I’m Hooper, your bartender. It’s time to go in depth and talk about the unsung hero of the bar, the most popular and innocuous spirit in America. Most people drink it without even thinking about it. But it’s past time to really dig in and find some jewels in the rough and enjoy this spirit in the real Slavic tradition. Let’s do some shots of vodka. Here’s the recipe:

Vodka Shots, Slavic Style

1 oz quality vodka

Smoked or pickled fish

Pickled beets or cucumbers

Rye bread toast points

Roast beef

Caviar

Serve the vodka in 1 oz shots. The vodka should be very cold, but not ice cold. To begin the evening, take a shot, eat a pickle, then take another shot, in rapid succession. A toast with every shot is mandatory. “Tvoe zdorovie” (“to your health”) is acceptable, but a more specific toast is ideal. Eat what you want, drink often, toast liberally. The last shot of the evening should be “na pososhok” (one for the road), although this tradition should be omitted if you are in fact driving home.

It should be pretty obvious that this is a recipe for a small party as opposed to a single cocktail. And that’s a good thing – drinks are meant to be shared with friends. It’s not about the vodka, it’s about the company (and the salty snacks, and the toasts).

Vodka isn’t really meant to be memorable in itself. The word “vodka” roughly translates into English as “little water.” The French version of vodka, made from grape stems and vineyard leavings, is “eau de vie” — literally, “water of life.” If you’ve ever tried Ciroc vodka, you’re had eau de vie. They just call it vodka in America. Any clear spirit, distilled enough to be drinkable and pleasant, qualifies as vodka. (Yes, moonshine is vodka.) Humans have been distilling some version of this stuff for as long as we’ve had the ability to distill things properly. Sometimes you want a delicious, well-crafted cocktail, but sometimes you just need a drink. Vodka’s the medicine to scratch that itch.

Unfortunately, it’s human nature to overdo a good thing. There’s a lot of cheap terrible vodka out there. There’s also a lot of very popular average vodka out there. Depressingly, they’re both made the same way. Mass-market vodka is made from neutral grain spirits, a “food product” shipped by the tanker truck load all over America. It’s not terribly drinkable straight out of the truck, but if you run it through a charcoal filter often enough it’s okay. It doesn’t matter if it’s Tito’s, Smirnoff, or rock-bottom vodka, it’s all made from the same solvent-quality alcohol, filtered and doctored into drinkability.

Interestingly, Slavic vodka is just as bad, if not worse. A true Russian drinker will insist that you keep the vodka out of your freezer. It should be cold, but if you chill it too much the glycerin and other additives will congeal out of the booze. (Don’t worry about your Stoli or Smirnoff. They’ve been made in America for decades. Pretending your vodka was Russian was a big selling point until recent events.) I’d love to tell you nice things about Ukranian vodka, but from all accounts it’s much worse — basically Everclear and water. Discreetly taking an activated charcoal pill with your Ukrainian booze is advised.

If you truly love vodka, I urge you to shop local. Somewhere near you there’s a microdistillery making good vodka. Vodka’s the first step most microdistillers make before trying something complex, like bourbon or rum. And the vodka is, with very few exceptions, quite tasty. That’s because they aren’t using neutral grain spirits. They’re working with a mash made of real plants, and adding in some special touches as they tinker with the recipe. Tasting vodka can be a very subtle thing, like tasting wine. You might not recognize a flavor until someone suggests it. But it’s worth finding the quality and supporting your neighbors.

To make the point, I grabbed some bottles for a taste test. Voudoux vodka is made right here in my hometown of Medina , and Western Reserve is out of a little suburban neighborhood in Cleveland . Smirnoff is the best selling vodka in the world. And Crown Russ… is $2.50 a pint. I chilled them all, broke out the pickles and snacks, and made some notes.

Taste test lineup. Nobody say I didn't suffer for my calling. The snacks were devoured by my family shortly after this photo was taken. Matthew Hooper 

 First shot - Crown Russ:  It’s not bad. It’s almost tasty. There’s a natural sweetness to alcohol once you get used to the burn, and it was easy to find that in the Crown Russ. It wasn’t bitter in the slightest. If you’re used to the burn in raw drinking alcohol, you could tolerate this. It’s like drinking generic Wal-Mart cola; not good, but not horrible.

 Second shot - Smirnoff:  I expected blandness and got it. Smirnoff is noticeably thicker than the cheap stuff. I’m convinced there’s some glycerin in the bottle. The alcohol burn is there, but less prominent than the cheap pint. It’s average by design. It’s worth noting that the pickles taste wonderful interspersed with vodka shots. Salty snacks want to make you drink more, but the alcohol also makes the salty pickles and smoked fish better.

 Third shot - Voudoux:  This is a deliciously mellow, sweet pour. There’s no alcohol burn at all. It’s not thick, but it has substance in a way that reminds me of rum or bourbon. Admittedly I’m cheering for my home team, but I really do like this stuff. Especially on the third shot. The pickles keep getting tastier.

 Fourth shot:  Western Reserve: At this point, my fourth shot into a vodka taste test, I want you all to know that I think you are my best friends. Srsly.

Anyway, I knew what to expect from this vodka before tasting it. Western Reserve is committed to an all-organic product. That includes feeding their yeast on honey instead of processed sugar. There’s a consistent nectar-like quality in all their products, and it’s easy to pick up on in this vodka. This bottle is a clear example of how a small distiller can make water taste like wine — or in this case, mead. I like the Voudox better, but they’re both much better sippers than the mass market booze.

In summary and conclusion, drink well, drink often, and tip your bartender — donate to Wonkette at the link below! And if you'd like to buy some bar gear or books from Amazon, please click here! I’m going to go take a nap!

OPEN THREAD!