Welcome to Wonkette Happy Hour, With This Week's Special, The Singapore Sling!

Plus your 'clean' non-alcoholic cocktail!

Greetings! I'm Hooper, your bartender. Hold on to your paper umbrellas, folks. We're going hard core tiki. How hard core? Try turn of the century, gin based, what-is-that-weird-liquor hard core. Here's my take on the Singapore Sling. Recipe's below.

Singapore Sling

2 oz. soda water

1 ½ oz. Beefeater gin

¾ oz. fresh lemon juice

½ oz. Demerara syrup

½ oz. Heering Cherry liquor

¼ oz. Grand Marnier

1 dash Angostura bitters

1 dash orange bitters

Add the soda water to the bottom of a highball glass. Add the rest of the ingredients to your mixing glass. Shake, strain, and pour on top of the soda water. Gently add ice to the glass. Garnish with a mint sprig and a lemon wedge topped with a paper umbrella.

This is an old, old cocktail in the tiki bible; it predates Trader Vic's first menu. We're pretty sure that it was first crafted by Ngiam Tong Boon , a Chinese-born bartender who made the drink sometime before 1915. This recipe is inspired by Martin and Rebecca Cate's version from The Smuggler's Cove - my favorite cocktail book ever. If you like tiki, you absolutely must read this book. This is the book that made me a bartender. It is absolutely worth your time.

I love how this cocktail balances herbal, sour, and sweet elements to make an amazing drink. It's complex in the same way a shot of bourbon or a glass of wine is complex. There are layers, and grace notes, and a lingering finish. It's a wild ride. I realize that this one's a lot more work than most of my prior recipes. You might buy a bottle or two that will gather dust. But it's so worth it.

Ingredient shot. You know it's a tiki drink when the ingredients don't all fit into the photo.  

On to the ingredients:

Soda water: The seltzer brand is pretty irrelevant here, but the technique for building the cocktail matters. Don't use more than 2 ounces of soda water. Put the seltzer the drinking cup first. Pour the cocktail over the seltzer – if you need to, swirl the cup a little to make sure everything blends. Then add ice to the glass. The soda water is an ingredient, not a filler. Add too much, and it over-dilutes the cocktail and kills the sweetness.

Beefeater gin: I picked a classic London dry gin that Ngiam Tong Boon would have used at the turn of the century.Beefeater's been around since 1863 , so it's a safe bet. Using a "modern" London dry gin, such as Ford's or Plymouth, would also be a solid option. There's a lot of things going on in this glass, though. A premium gin might get lost in the cocktail.

Fresh lemon juice:  A proper citrus juicer is vital here. Lemon seeds and pulp are no fun in your glass, and a reamer doesn't catch all the extra bits like a juicer does.

Demerara syrup: This is, far and away, my favorite cocktail syrup. There's always a bottle of it kicking around my fridge. The caramel notes anchor the cocktail and give the herbal notes something to stand on. It's easy to make: 1 part sugar, 1 partSugar in the Raw , 1 part water. Heat until all the sugar melts. Nice and easy. It's a killer way to sweeten your morning coffee, too.

Heering Cherry liquor: Okay, this is the tricky one. When you open this bottle and smell it, the first thought in your head will be, "I just bought a huge bottle of cherry cough syrup." It is not even remotely tasty or drinkable neat.

However, before you question my sanity, add a little Coca-Cola and taste it again — just as an experiment. It becomes far more approachable. The flavors bloom. The thick syrup unpacks and stops being cloying. Heering is basically a concentrate, meant to sail from Copenhagen to Singapore and be diluted at its destination. As a secondary ingredient, it totally makes this drink — the herbal, cherry, and sweet notes define a Singapore Sling.

Grand Marnier: Usually a Singapore Sling uses Benedictine, but I like Grand Marnier as an option. If you have Benedictine rattling around in your liquor cabinet, by all means give it a try.

Angostura and orange bitters: Bitters are the glue that hold great cocktails together. They're intensely herbaceous and bitter. Just a few drops make a noisy, clashing cocktail settle down and smooth out. I likeHella Bitters , but the classic Angostura bitters are easy to find and work great here.

Garnishes: The mint sprig is important here. Smelling the mint while you drink the cocktail brightens and perks up the drink. Smack the mint leaves a few times before tossing them on top of the cocktail to release the oils.

There's no good way to make a non-alcoholic Singapore Sling, but some tart cherry juice, lemon juice, and demerara syrup get you in the right neighborhood. Mint gives us some bright herbal notes to round things out. I decided to name this one the Maris Stella, after a convent in Singapore — this is a "virtuous" Singapore Sling, after all. Tart cherry juice is pricey but worth it — I used Lakewood  Organic juice.

Maris Stella

Lemon lime soda (Sprite, Squirt, 7-Up)

4 oz. Tart cherry juice

2 oz. Fresh lemon juice

2 oz. Demerara syrup

Shake and strain into a highball glass. Top with lemon lime soda. Garnish with a mint sprig.

Got any questions? Feel free to e-mail me, or visit me at Tiki Underground in Hudson, Ohio. I'll be happy to help. Please don't forget to tip your bartender — donate to Wonkette at the link below. Also, if you want to buy a copy of Smuggler's Cove, or a citrus juicer, or some tart cherry juice, please use this link. 

OPEN THREAD!