What Else Did Vladimir Putin Steal From the DNC?

Putin personally wants to investigates the data stolen from the DNC hacks.

After the DNC was breached this past June, everyone was upset that some people in the Democratic Party didn't want Bernie Sanders, the godless socialist and millennial hero, to be the Democratic nominee. There were a few murmurs about Russians, but everyone was too busy screaming for the severed head of Debbie Wasserman Schultz as the Democratic National Convention kicked off in Philly that it remained a footnote. Of course it was later discovered that the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee was also hacked and donor ID's and contributions were stolen. But when it was revealed that Hillary Clinton's campaign was breached and voter data was stolen, the shit-storm over Bernie's inevitable betray and the loss of DCCC data and cash grew to a shit-cyclone. Now, we're upgrading the forecast to full blown shit-icane.

The FBI is reportedly warning that the breach may have included 100 more targets, including the private email of Clinton campaign and party officials, and affiliated Democratic organizations like the Democratic Governor's Association.

Federal investigators are now pointing long middle fingers directly at Russia as the perpetrators of the hack, and are said to be sitting the House and Senate Intelligence Committees down for a splainering where they'll undoubtedly remind the clueless Congress critters that "password" is a fucking stupid password.

As fallout from the hack begins to settle, Wikileaks and its pasty phantasm of a leader, Julian Assange, have been making veiled threats and releasing more documents. Earlier this week he super-charged the conspiracy theorists when he jumped on the Trump Train and pegged the murder of a DNC staffer on Hillary Clinton and her shadowy hit squad of sexxxy lady assassins. Assange alluded to the staffer being the source of his information, contradicting federal officials and security experts, before saving face in a Twitter post late Wednesday night. Maybe he was worried about looking like an asshole.

Now that the amount of buggery is so widespread, it's probably safe to assume that someone other than the NSA knows when you're having sex with yourself, regardless of the little paper taped to your laptop camera.

[ The Hill / New York Time ]