What Is Wonkette Ramming Down Your Throat This Fourth Of July?

 This post originally ran ... a different time! But now it is for the Fourth of July, so that you may eat the corn dogs that spring forth from it. 

Corn dogs. It has come to this, and the devil is dancing tonight!

Corn dogs are the terribleness. I was up on Faceborg, drunk, and Trix found me out. I have been dispatched to bring this special summertime delight to Yr Wonket, because this is an urgent, necessary evil. If we are to bear the miseries of this world, we need to be able to tell our poor hearts to live a little now and then.

Almost everyone is one corn dog away from humiliation. It is the food of choice for the hopeless hopefuls. You probably should not have done that, but it’s too late now. TOO LATE.

Can't visit a county fair? No problem! We are taking the low road to perdition from the comfort of our homes. Corn dogs, because all that grease makes everything a little easier to swallow. Here is how you do it:

1 1/4 c. flour

1 tsp. salt

3/4 c. cornmeal

5 tsp. sugar

1 tsp. baking powder

2 eggs, beaten

3/4 c. milk

1 pkg. hot dogs*

8 wooden skewers

Oil, for deep-frying (I used a mix of corn and coconut oil)

* There are eight hot dogs per package -- one for each of your fingers, so you can hang on by your thumbs.

This whole deal should take no more than a half hour.

Mix the dry ingredients, beat in the eggs, and then add milk. Mix well and pour the batter into a tall glass. Wipe off the wieners, because this helps the batter to stick. Execute the immersion process for each, place in hot oil, frying three or four at a time. Cook until golden brown. Serve on skewers and eat as many of these as you possibly can with mustard, spray cheese, or mustard and spray cheese. This is your exit. There is no other way out.

Doesn't this look delicious? Boy, oh boy. Take THAT you bunch of organic-only, GMO-haters. I just batter-dipped your worst nightmare and ate it off a stick. Whoopee, science is FUN!

Eat with caution away from any recording devices. I ain't fooling around here -- this isn't some kind of Bloody Mary in the bathroom mirror nonsense. No good ever comes from eating one of these where you can be seen. Still, absolutely no one can stop you from shot-gunning the spray cheese straight from the can.