Discover more from Wonkette
What Kind of Sweater Puppies Would You Vote For?
The following presentation about tits was written by the Anonymous Tit-Watcher, who is also the Anonymous Lobbyist . Enjoy!
There are few people as obsessed with my tits (and their socio-political meaning) as I am, other than my exes and a few of my readers, so perhaps it stands to reason that I have become intrigued by the range of boobs among the potential First Ladies -- and what they could mean for their husbands' candidacies. To put that in to context, I spent much of yesterday examining the breasts of their predecessors to see what America really wants out of the knockers of the wife of the Commander-in-Chief. My findings, with an accompanying photo gallery (!), after the jump.
The ta-tas of modern first ladies ( which you may view at your leisure in this gallery ) mostly come in 4 varieties: feminine-but-petite boobies (Jackie Kennedy, Rosalynn Carter); don't-look-at-them-I'm-not-a
-sexual-being breasts (Lady Bird Johnson, Pat Nixon, Hillary Clinton); motherly-but-possibly-sexual bazooms (Barbara Bush and Laura Bush -- oh, no, I'm not kidding); and missing-in-action (Betty Ford, Nancy Reagan). With the exception of the Johnson to Nixon transition, however, American has not elected the same kind of boobs twice in a row.
That said, let's split up our current crop of First Lady contenders.
Feminine But Petite
This is our smallest category, no pun intended, comprising the chesticles of Michelle Obama, famous ginger hottie Elizabeth Kucinich and Cindy McCain (who tries her best with what God gave her in this photo). They're not absent, they're not minimized and they're not ignored. It's been a while since we've had these kinds of boobs on a First Lady, so it would seem to be time to get another type of pair in there. But there's really only one contender here.
Don't Look at Me!
In addition to the bosoms on Jackie Dodd and Jackie Tancredo, I'm putting Mrs. Ron Paul, Jill Jacobs Biden and Mrs. Mike Gravel in this category because I can't find any pictures that give a sense of the size of their chests. Most of the rest of our ladies don't seem to have any difficulty getting their girls in the picture. We've not only seen this variety recently in the White House, but one of them is running on her own right now. I'm saying no way.
Whoa! Check Out the Fun Bags on Her!
This large category comprises both the two potential First Ladies that everyone strongly suspects had a little help from a knife to get the dirty pillows they wanted (Judith "Crazy Eyes" Nathan and Jeri "Trophy Wife" Thompson) and those who were obviously blessed by the Hooter Fairy (Ann Romney, Barbara Richardson, Lynne Hunter and Janet Huckabee). Although Laura's got a rack on her, which history tells us means we're in for a change in style, everyone does like the big melons these days. Since, technically, no First Lady has yet come equipped with her own flotation device, I think the big boobie lovers of the world still have a chance here.
MIA
Obviously, Elizabeth Edwards would normally have this category to herself, but since Bill lost all that weight, his man-boobs seem to have deflated, too. As much as both are sort of uplifting medical stories (Is surviving cancer! Managed to get his fat ass to a gym to try and survive his next heart attack!), I'm not thinking they can beat out the big funbags on election day.
Verdict
America is ready for its first set of surgically enhanced, permanently perky and proudly displayed tracts of land in the White House. Team Trophy Wife/Crazy Eyes wins, if only because it will give us a reason to post pictures of political titties for at least 4 years.