What The Hell Did The Feds Want From Michael Cohen? We Are Getting A Glimmer Of An Idea!

Wednesday's late breaking news made some folks scratch their noodles in confusion. The  New York Times  reported that part of the point of the big exciting knock-knock raids on Trump idiot fixer lawyer Michael Cohen's office, apartment, and hotel room was to get any records they could on the "Access Hollywood" tape, the one where Trump describes eating Tic-Tacs and grabbing women by the pussy without their consent. What does that have to do with wire fraud or bank fraud, or even campaign finance violations Cohen is being investigated for? Here's a snippet:

Prosecutors are interested in whether Mr. Cohen, who had no official role in the 2016 campaign,coordinated with it to quash the release of anything detrimental to it and whether that violated campaign finance laws— a new front in the investigation into Mr. Cohen.

Apparently the warrant was BROAD. On top of that stuff, they're looking at Cohen's role in the payoff to porn lady Stormy Daniels, and also a whole passel of stuff about Cohen's own life and times, including his time running a fleet of New York City taxis. And also they're looking for stuff about the National Enquirer -- run by Trump pal David Pecker ------ doing the old "catch and kill" with stories about Trump fucking ladies what are not his wife, wherein they pay the women for the stories and never publish them. This specifically happened with Karen McDougal. How involved with that was Cohen?

And also! And also!

This is just a lot of shit.

Our theory is that this is ALL about massive (we mean MASSIVE) campaign finance violations uncovered by special counsel Robert Mueller in his wide-ranging probe (haha "probe") into conspiracies between the Trump campaign and Russia. AND we think the Russia stuff is related to the payoffs (more on that in a second), but we also think it makes more sense now why Mueller handed off this part of the investigation to be anchored in the "Sovereign" Southern District of New York, where Donald Trump can't even begin to think about fucking with it. (Except by firing Preet Bharara again.)

Let's take a journey back to October 7, 2016. It was a sunny day, unless it was raining where you live, and it was also the most bugfuck nuts news day that ever happened, if you don't count all the news days that have happened since Trump was inaugurated. Early in the afternoon, the Obama administration released a report that should have been a bombshell, directly pointing fingers at Russia for ongoing interference in the election, which would be held a month later. Instead, that news got buried when the "Access Hollywood" tape came out, AND THEN a few minutes after that, WikiLeaks started releasing emails stolen by Russia from Hillary Clinton's campaign chair John Podesta. It was NUTS.

We are guessing investigators are looking at whether Cohen was conspiring with WikiLeaks, perhaps signaling the front operation for Russian intelligence to start releasing the emails as a way to counteract the "Access Hollywood" tape, and also the Obama administration's report on Russian fuckery. If investigators have evidence of that, it's game over for at least one aspect of the Trump-Russia collusion conspiracy. And if Trump knew about it, HOO BOY.

Days later came the $130,000 payout to Stormy Daniels, which was allegedly funded by money Michael Cohen had been saving in his piggy bank to buy this one video game he really wanted, but because he is a very dumb and loyal sycophant who calls his boss "Mis-turrrr Twump," he used it to pay Daniels instead. ALLEGEDLY.

In Michael Wolff's Fire & Fury , Steve Bannon is quoted as saying former Trump idiot thug lawyer Marc Kasowitz (but not really "former," because apparently he's back around!) "took care of" as many as a HUNDRED women who came forward during the campaign, alleging extramarital affairs with Trump and maybe worse. As Josh Marshall notes, the Bannon biography Gin And Crotchrot   Devil's Bargain specifically says Bannon and Kasowitz worked together on this. Stormy Daniels's lawyer Michael Avenatti says COUPLE FEW women have come to him with their own stories. Was Cohen also intimately involved with these efforts, OH AND ALSO how much money changed hands, and was that all reported as campaign contributions? Because if investigators have evidence of that , it is game over for some REALLY MASSIVE CAMPAIGN FINANCE CRIME. And if Trump knew about it, HOO BOY AGAIN.

By the by,  The New Yorker  is out with a new story of a guy the National Enquirer allegedly paid during the campaign for his story about Trump allegedly maybe fathering a lovechild back in the late 1980s with one of his former employees. Gonna guess investigators from SDNY knew that one before The New Yorker did.

Wouldn't it be funny if Trump's wandering dick and his idiot boy fixer's maybe illegal activities to make the victims of said wandering dick keep their mouths shut were what ultimately brought down Trump's presidency? Yes it would, because anything that makes Donald Trump sad and mad and angry and a failure is funny.

Guess we'll all have to just stay tuned and keep watching the news trickle out, ew we said "trickle" in a story about Michael Cohen doing cover-ups for Donald Trump's wandering penis, we will see ourselves out now.

 Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.  

 Are you a fairly regular Wonkette reader and have had a nagging little voice for some time saying “you should throw Wonkette a buck every month”? We would surely appreciate it! 

[ New York Times ]